Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Carrie: When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...




Okay, okay, that one was a little deep, so here's another one just to lighten the mood -



Adam: Come on, give me a little BJ, up and down a couple times, you're done, it's easy!
Samantha: Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!

"What The Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with people that are younger than me calling me "kiddo"? Um, no. Listen here honey, perhaps the bleach is seeping into your cute lil' brain, but I'm older than you. Therefore, if any one is calling any one "kiddo," it would be be calling you, not vice versa. And, who the hell says "kiddo" any more?


#2 For Project Runway fans, what the hell is up with the judges not voting off Angela (or Allison, whatever the hell her names is)? She has a bad attitude, and terrible style too boot! Did you see the outfit she designed this week? It was HIDEOUS. I've seen nicer things sold at K's Fashion on Clinton Street. For goodness sake, she sewed scrunchies onto a skirt! Scrunchies!!! I'm surprised Nina Garcia from Elle didn't faint right then and there.

On another note, I put this picture of Austin Scarlett (PR Season 1) up to represent Project Runway because, well, look at this bitch! He is fierce! And, he sincerely believes he is channeling the spirit of Audrey Hepburn. He isn't even trying to hide it ... he's got gloves, pearls and a friggin' sash around his waist - plus, the lip gloss and 5 o'clock shadow give his look more panache. Geez, this dude is so far out the closet ... well, that's probably because he's hanging out in Ms. Hepburn's armoire.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

What the hell is up with "fun size" candy bars? I'm sorry, but fun-size is like the size of a mattress, not the size of my thumb. When I think of my thumb, I don't think, "Wow! How 'fun' would it be to eat a candy bar this size?"

Eh, for all I know the candy companies wanted to make their fun-sized bars much bigger, but the government said no - in a successful attempt to control how much fun Americans have. Damn them!

Debbie Does Sing-Sing?

The other day my mother was telling me about some prisoners that are suing because they want access to pornographic materials, such as magazines that show boobies, and movies (You know? The ones with awe-inspiring plot lines, and Oscar worthy performances).

My mother sounded like she was against it. I say, give it to them! But, they had better be careful what they wish for.

I mean, we all know that mens be having sex with other mens in prison ... and that's without the added arousing visual stimuli. Just think what would happen if there were copies of JUGS strewn about, and 24-hour viewings of "Forrest Hump."

Ooooo-weeeee! Bubba would have a field day come shower time! Hold on tight to your soap-on-a-rope fellas!

Andy Cooper is in the Mid-East ... Surprise, Surprise

Attention everyone, Anderson Cooper is on the move again ... he's like the arcade game "Whack-A-Mole," you never know where his little head's gonna pop up. Today, he's in the Middle East.

Not like there isn't enough going on over there, Andy, and his Prada-wearing ass, has to show up too. We get it Anderson ... something bad is happening, why else would you be there?

I love me some Andy, he's gorgeous, he's debonair, he's an heir to the Vanderbilt fortune ... whoops, did that pop out? But, it's getting to the point where every time I see him on the news, I think of the Three Amigos:

"Wherever there is injustice, you will find [him]. Wherever there is suffering, [he'll] be there. Wherever liberty is threatened,you will find" ...

Anderson Cooper!

"What the Hell" of the Moment

I have two "What the Hells" today:

1. What the hell is up with soda commercials lately? It's like 7 Up and Coke hired advertising execs that are high on LSD. I noticed 7 Up first during the commercials at a movie theater, and thought to myself, "'This' is supposed to make me want to drink soda?" They had friggin' flowers with Mick Jagger lips on them! Oh, and those two sumo wrestlers running into eachother with a skinny dude in the middle! What the hell are they thinking? Seriously, someone over there needs to lay off the "herb" if you know what I'm saying.

Then, last night at the movies, I saw a Coke commercial that was just as moronic. It had some alien world living inside a Coke machine. These companies are losing their edge, and making me want to drink only water. I mean, polar bears and animated red dots I can deal with, but alien shit, no way. Take that crap to Tommy Cruise, he loves that stuff. And, may be those flowers with lips can find his baby.

2. What the hell is up with people who come late to movies and then feel entitled enough to ask people who got to the theater early and found good seats, to move a couple of seats in ... UM HELL NO! You came late, and that isn't my problem. You want good seats? Then get your ass in the theater on time, like every body else. I know you need your Slush Puppy and Raisinets badly, but haven't you ever heard of the buddy rule - you find seats, and then send your friend goes back out into the wild to get the goodies. Ugh, because of your inconsiderate ass, I had to share an arm rest with a stranger.

Soup de Jour

I was walking my dog this afternoon, and I saw a young teenaged girl wearing a t-shirt that said, "I had a cup of BITCH soup today."

I have a few comments:

1. Boy, her parents must be proud.

2. Why a cup? Why not a bowl? - I mean, I'm guessing bitch soup isn't made often, so when you encounter it, you might want to get as much as you can, right?

3. Am I supposed to be scared of you because of what your t-shirt says? Like, "Oh my stars! This kid had bitch soup ... I'm going to walk on the other side of the street so I don't bother her." Um, I don't think so little girl. Let a real bitch give you some advice - #1 Real bitches don't need to advertise, our bitchiness evaporates off of our skin like a fine perfume. Here take a whiff. #2 Real bitches know when to be bitchy. If we're in bitch-mode all day, when we really want to make a point, our bitchiness loses its sting. So, be a bitch in moderation. #3 Your t-shirt looked like it was a size medium, which you obviously were not.

Indecent Exposure

Yesterday I went to a spa and got an hour Swedish massage and an hour facial. I had one issue:

K, please explain to me why the masseuse literally pulled my underwear off, but didn't massage my ass until like a half hour later?

Um, if you're gonna expose the area, you better be doing something to it right away. There is no reason for my ass to be exposed to the world, and cold air conditioning, if you aren't planning to knead it like a ball of dough right then and there.

Iowa Here I Come!

I caught the bouquet at my friend's wedding this past weekend, y'all! Well, snatched it, whatever, same difference. It's mine. Mine, mine, mine!

There were really only 4 single ladies at this event, and I had to be the singlest of them all. It also didn't hurt that the bride's bouquet was a huge bunch of heavy calla lilies. So, according to the laws of physics, that thing wasn't going far ... and neither was I.

I've seen too many wedding blooper videos were crazy ass women throw themselves all over the place for a bunch of flowers. Uh-uh, not this chick. If it comes my way, I'll grab it. But, if it goes in another direction, bitches can have it. Momma didn't raise no fool. Last thing I want is to be remembered as that girl who tore her pantyhose, and broke an ankle for a chance at being the next to marry. Who the hell is gonna marry that chick? That type of act has desperation written all over it.

Any who, I was basically right behind the bride, and when she tossed the bouquet, I just stuck my hand out and grabbed it. It was a very slow-mo "Trinity from The Matrix" move. I looked at another girl who tried to grab it too, and she gave me this look like, "Oh no this NYC bitch didn't!" Oh yes I did, and aren't my new flowers pretty? Step-off you country bumpkin, I need to go to the nearest travel agent and book a flight to Iowa.

On another note, I went to the wedding with JohnPaul. We borrowed my dad's minivan, and JP did the driving. I must say, JP is a very good driver. You go JP! I felt safe the entire time. Well, except when you almost mowed down everyone on the NJ Turnpike just so you could get to the nearest service center for a Cinnabon.

Crush of the Moment ... Again

I went to see Superman Returns last week, and Brandon did not disappoint. I couldn't even speak during the movie, I just grunted whenever JohnPaul asked me something.

At this point (and I'm not ashamed to admit it), I'm borderline obsessed with this man. I need to seriously visit the midwest, because they have been growing some hotties, along with corn. Both Brandon and Ashton Kutcher were born in Iowa, so something has to be up.

Maybe that was God's plan to compensate for how boring that part of the United States is. I mean, midnight cow-tipping and tractor racing gets mundane after awhile. But not some good eye-candy.

Now, let's all bow our heads and thank God for these gifts ... Amen!

Ding-A-Ling ... Mary Kay Calling!

Attention People! I'm selling Mary Kay products! That's right, I've been suckered in ... but that is fine by me, because I love me some make-up and I love me some skin care. Mary Kay has good stuff ... trust me, I would never promote crap (I think that should be my tag-line).

Any who, if you're interested in perusing the selection, go to my MK site: www.marykay.com/corrinenovak, and sign up. My site takes credit cards too!! And, if you're interested in having a facial/skin care/product preview party just let me know. Think about it, you could have this blog in your home in person, for your entertainment. Who else can help make your skin pretty AND make you laugh? The pickins are slim, my friend. I suggest you jump on this wagon while you can! Yee-haw!

Goya ... Oh, Boya!

Yesterday I became the proud Godmother of Madisyn, the gorgeous daughter of one of my bestest friends, Naisha. The ceremony was held at a Pentacostal church in Brooklyn. Naisha isn't a member of the church, her grandmother is, but she wanted her daughter baptized in a private ceremony, so she decided to have it there.

Before we arrived at the church, Naisha warned me, "This is a real Black church. I don't think you've seen one of these." And, she was right. People were shivering, people were shaking, tears were being shed. It was deep. Definitely won't find that at the local Catholic church in my neighborhood. God forbid you clap at something the priest said, Sister Mary Ellen will have you escorted out in a heartbeat.

Any who, the ceremony was set to begin, and in the blink of an eye it was over. I think the whole thing took less than 10 minutes. But, those 10 minutes were chock full o' blog fodder, my friend.

For one, Madisyn was not trying to be held by the pastor. Uh-uh, she wanted her father and no one else. Then, it was blessing time. I was prepared to be blessed with holy water or annointing oil that had been blessed over. I was not prepared to be blessed with Goya olive oil, that was still in the Goya bottle. You read it correctly people ... it was still in the bottle. Humor me, and at least put it in a nice glass bottle. However, before my bangs became salad dressing, the pastor asked me if I was "saved." I said yes, but then I wondered ... what kind of reaction would I have gotten if I said no? I can see it now: People fainting, shivering, crying and olive oil all over the place.

Crush of the Moment

Brandon Routh


Take a good look at the new "Man of Steel" [tee hee hee -- imagine a 10 year old snickering]. Brandon is the complete package [tee hee hee] ladies. He's tall (6 feet 3 inches), gorgeous, and has amazing hair; so thick and lustrous. Do you think he uses Pantene Pro-V?

If I was Lois Lane, I would make stuff up every 10 minutes just so he could come and save me:

- Superman! I broke a nail!

- Superman! I can't find my keys!

- Superman! I dropped my pen, can you pick it up? No, face the other way ... yeah, that's it.

Superman hits theaters on June 28th. This is gonna be a good summer ladies!!

Who the hell do you think you are? The voice of God?

"Don't I look warm and cozy
in the billion-dollar coat
my fans paid for?"

It's that time of year again! Miss Streisand has emerged from her groundhog hole (which I'm sure has an interior of egg-shell white), to grace us with her "last" [wait ... wait, I'm laughing] concert. And, just like Barbra's last-last concert, her ticket prices are crazy high.

Barbra can you hear me? ... Bitch, please. You need to stop.

Stop coming out every other year with your sad routine of, "I'm shy and have stage-fright ... but I'll put on a concert for 1 trillion dollars a ticket!". Sure you have a beautiful voice, it's amazing, kudos to you. But, you are not the voice of God, so stop charging prices like every time you sing a note an angel pops out of your ass. Now, that I'd pay for!

I mean, you don't even do anything. You just stand at center-stage, wearing your tired Donna Karan gown, with one hand on a white microphone and the other on a bar stool. If I'm paying $800 to see you, you had better pull a rabbit out of somewhere. Oh, and FYI, white microphones are tacky and look like vibrators. Break a leg!

Um, Get Your Own 3rd World Country

According to the Associated Press, someone from Britney Spears' and Kevin Federline's camp has contacted the Namibian government about going there to have their second child.

Britney, please stop being tacky. There are so many other developing nations that you could pick, why go to the one where Angie and Brad just left. Come on, you're worth more than some sloppy seconds. You have a whole mess of places in South America, and Eastern Europe. How about returning to your home state of Louisiana ... they need attention too. See how fast the world forgot about Hurricane Katrina now that the next hurricane season has started a'brewin'?

Say no to Brit and KFed Namibia! For your own sakes! You don't want that type of recognition. And, when the hell did they ever donate any money to African nations? Does Britney even know that there aren't any 7-Eleven's or Starbucks there? Um, Brit, just because Starbucks sells Namibian Roast Frappacinos does not mean there is a Starbucks in Namibia.

Britney Betta Recognize

Last night on Dateline NBC the yummy Matt Lauer interviewed Ms. Britney Spears. It was a heartfelt discussion about her experiences with the paparazzi, and life as a wife and new mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was feeling for Brit during the entire interview ... that was until she blamed the streets of New York City for her inability to simultaneously carry a drink in one hand and her son in the other.

That's right people, Brit said that the day she almost dropped her son was because of the paparazzi (no shit), and because the streets of NYC are uneven (again, no shit). However, this was not your first time in NYC Britney. If you know the streets are messed up, you shouldn't wear long ass jeans, big clunky shoes, and carry a drink and your son all at one time. Can't one of your man-servants hold your drink? You can't be that parched, it's not like you were running a marathon.

Other than that tiny comment, I was on Britney's side. Leave her alone world! Can't you see she's going through it? Have you no shame?

Oh, and another thing, what the hell was up with her fake eyelashes? One was coming off. You have all those people around to help you, and no one told you that one of your lashes was coming off? Fire them all, girl. And, hire me. I will definitely tell you the truth. You're beautiful, I sing "Toxic" every time I go out for karaoke. I'm a fan. But please, just wash your face, brush your hair and take off that purple Brucci nail polish. I'm all for letting yourself go (you should see me on weekends), but for the love of humanity, the Courtney Love-look is soooo not working for you.

Crush of the Moment

John Lloyd Young

John recently won a Tony award for his portrayal of Franki Valli in this year's best musical winner, "Jersey Boys."

I think he's a hottie, and I'm completely comfortable with the fact that he can sing like he got his scrotom ripped off by a rabid pitbull.

Eh, this crush has a girlfriend too. Boy, do I know how to pick 'em.

UPDATE: My father and my nephew Jonathan went to see "Jersey Boys" last night. They said it was amazing, they got to shake hands with the cast and got their autographs ... including my crush of the moment!! What Jonathan doesn't know, is that I plan to steal his signed PlayBill ... hee hee hee.

"What The Hell!" of the Moment

I promised myself that I wouldn't talk about work on my blog, but I just have to vent about this.

What the hell is up with people asking me questions about shit they can read on electronic case notes? "Oh, Corrine, what's going on with so-and-so?" Gee, I don't know. Why doesn't your lazy ass point and click your mouse and read it for yourself? My title is Case Manager, not Personal Case Note Reader. What's the point of me typing the note if you're not going to read it yourself?

Can you tell it's almost Friday?

In Memoriam

Several months ago I bought a great pair of brand name shoes on sale for $15. I know!! Isn't that amazing?! They were gorgeous: Lavender and black, with a nice high heel, and classic looking. I wore them once, and couldn't wait to wear them again. Last night I decided to work my entire outfit for today around those shoes.

This morning I woke up, did my make up, put on my dress, and when I opened my shoe box I was stunned! The shoes had been devoured by my 4 month old German Shepherd, Breeze. I freaked out, but regained my composer by the time I got to work. Then it hit me ....

The shoes were in the box when I found them. Although Breeze is intelligent, I don't think she is capable of taking shoes out of the box, eating them, and then placing them back in the box with the top on. So, someone, and I'm not going to name names, but it rhymes with "Tom", must have found the shoes after they were all beat up, put them away, and never told me about their demise.

Don't think you're going to get away with this 'Tom." You think someone who watches "CSI," and "Cold Case Files," 24 hours a day would know have to cover up a crime scene.

UPDATE: I spoke to "Tom," and she denies she had anything to do with the shoes. However, her eyes were shifty, so I don't believe her. 'Tom" sits on a throne of lies! Lies, I say!

Oh my, just want I've always wanted!

I was just on the telephone with my mother, and she says to me, "Oh, by the way, someone at my job threw out a book called 'What Men Want,' so I brought it home for you. It's by the computer. I thought it would be something you'd be interested in reading."

Thanks Mom. Thank you for the passive-aggressive attempt at basically saying, "When the hell are you going to get hitched, and get up out of our apartment?!" Geez Mom, your subtly is inspiring .... no, really, it is.

Oh look! What a coincidence, someone at my job just threw out a book, and it's called, "Lay Off: The Single Girls Guide to Living with her Parents." Ooooh, looks like a real page turner!