Hangin' in the Boonies

Gather 'round kiddies, I'm going to tell you the tale of the city slicker who thought she could handle a weekend in the boonies of Syracuse.

The 5-hour journey began last Thursday, after I helped one of my bestest buddies, AJ, move his belongings into a minivan. SIDE NOTE: AJ, I don't think you need any more shoes ... ever. And, FYI to everyone, Hefty Force Flex bags aren't that impressive. Any who, we arrived in Baldwinsville (small town outside of Syracuse) at around 3am. Before heading to Grandma Bev's house, we went to the Bville version of PathMark ... P & C. I assume the letters stood for Punch and Cut, because the parking lot was almost pitch black, and ripe for a muggin'. AJ purchased contact solution, and then we headed to Grandma's.

Grandma's house, in a word, is big. And at night its big and scary. She has like 50 acres of woods! Woods, people! The only woods I know about are nicely located in the middle of Manhattan, aka Central Park. And, my woods conveniently come with a zoo and hot dog vendors. As soon as I get out of the car, I cling to AJ like a friggin' magnet. We get to the gargage door, and do you know what we find? THE DOOR IS UNLOCKED! What is up with country folk? They basically invite killers into their homes and bake them cookies. I don't know about you, but I read "In Cold Blood," so I know what happens in towns like this one. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open the entire night (which didn't matter because it was dark as hell in the room and I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face). Oh, and let me take this time to apologize to AJ for making him escort me everywhere in the scurry house.

The next day we went to AJ's mom's house. Um, it's huge, located next to a small cemetary, and I think they filmed the Drew Barrymore scene in "Scream," there. It was a cloudy day, and in the early evening it was foggy. When we hopped into the car to head to the mall, I looked around and was reminded of the poster for "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." Oh, hell no. How did I end up here? Where did I put my Xanax?

The following day, Grandma Bev made a huge lunch that caused Lisa (AJ's sister), AJ and me to fall into a three hour food-coma. We started laid out on the living room carpet, but miraculously woke up in recliners. Ahhh, the country life.

Later that night, when Lisa, AJ and I got back to their mother's house, AJ and Lisa had an idea: Get the mail. Let's discuss this idea. In the city, getting the mail is a simple task - just go down to the lobby. But, in B-ville it's not that simple. In the dark of night, we had to walk a little down the road to a mailbox located in front of a delapidated barn. Did I mention it was dark? There were stars for goodness sake! And, I heard insects. Not city insects ... country ones. I ran back to that house like I had a firecracker in my ass.

On Sunday afternoon I hopped on a train back to the city. I sat alone for about two stops, and then some old guy sat next to me and he wanted to talk and shit. Um, I have ear-buds on, what don't you understand? "No, I don't want any of the peanuts you just bought." "Yes, yes, it sure is a long ride." "No thank you, I don't need to know the last time you were on Amtrak." "Do I look like Big Ben? Then stop asking me for the time." I had to fake-sleep half the time.

Despite being scared shitless, I had a wonderful time in the 'Cuse with my buddy AJ. He's moving to Chicago in a few weeks, and I'm going to miss him like crazy. I love you AJ! One Mind.

Crush of the Moment

Just how I like 'em ... wounded.


My crush of the moment is James Franco, star of such films as Tristan & Isolde and Spiderman.

At times he looks androgynous and malnurished, but he's cute as hell, so he still makes my list.

Look What the Cat Dragged ...

1. I'm speechless.

This is a picture of my niece Cheyenne "walking" the family cat.

I really don't know what to say, and she's family so I don't want to scar her for life. I guess I should be supportive ...

You go, Cheyenne! Walk that cat!

How about "Mission Unwatchable"?

Last night JohnPaul and I went to see Mission Impossible III. [YAWN] ... sorry, just saying the title makes me bored.

Needless to say, MI:III wasn't all that great, and didn't seem all that impossible (perhaps because we all saw it happen on ALIAS three seasons ago). Come on Tom! I know you are more creative than this, I mean you spend your time promoting a religion that was friggin' made up by some dude ... now that's creative! Piggyback on L. Ron, and spend more time at the Scientology Celebrity Center; I'm sure then you will think of something.

Oh, and on another note, please, please, please fire the crew member who was in charge of the lighting. The love story with the younger woman was believable until I saw that I could plant corn in your crows feet.

Thank you Denise, for making Hollywood fun again

I just wanted to send a shout out to my girl Denise Richards for taking the Hollywood divorce to a whole new level. Go Denise! Not only have you decided to drag your soon-to-be ex-husband Charlie Sheen through the mud with crazy accusations (that are most likely true) but you have completely defeated the purpose of divorcing in LA ... irreconciliable differences! You could have just cited that and moved on. But, no, you said let's make it nasty. I love it!

Did you leave it at that? Oh hell no! You're too smart to just rip your ex-husband to shreds - you decided to prance around with Heather Locklear's soon-to-be ex-husband Richie Sambora. That takes talent and skill! Be careful though, Heather will make sure you never get your hands on Loreal Preference hair color ever again. Let's see how long Richie stays after he sees your roots.

Remind me never to visit South Carolina

I just read an article titled, "Bill would make sale of sex toys illegal in South Carolina."

You know some politician who's jealous that his wife has more fun with a battery-operated device than with him, started this mess. There's gonna be a lot of angry women in SC. And, summer's coming too! They're gonna be hot and angry. Oooooh weeeee, I give it until the day after the official start of summer before this stupid piece of legislation is thrown out.

With all the problems in the world, the last thing we need to do is focus on banning the sale of sex toys. Come on all you SC politicians! Get yourselves some anal beads, and call it a day.

Why did the chicken cross Delancey Street?

To save his ass that's why.

A few days ago Dineen calls me at around 7:30am to tell me that a chicken ran away from the Spanish poultry slaughter house by Delancey Street, and was now crossing Delancey Street.

What's on the other side of the street you ask? The Happy Wok Chinese take-out restaurant. This little fella better make a right on Clinton Street, or his ass is fried ... literally.

What Do Vampires Do Best?

Suck. And, if that's the case, then Lestat: The Musical did a helluva job. It was bad y'all, and I feel bad saying that because I was so excited to see it. But, by Act II I was looking in my PlayBill trying to count how many songs were left until the travesty was over.

Let me move on to something positive before my mascara runs ...



On a good note, a new musical comedy called The Drowsy Chaperone is a must see. It has everything you want in a Broadway show: Singing, comedy, amazing costumes, dancing and no intermission! Seriously, why do shows still have intermission? Does any one ever get to use the bathroom before the 2nd Act starts? And, theater seats are too damned cramped for me to keep getting up and down, up and down, for people. I paid to see a friggin' show, not to work on my leg muscles. PEE BEFORE YOU GO TO THE SHOW AND SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!

"What The Hell?!" of the Moment

What the hell is up with sales receipts? I bought a small bottle of water this evening at Duane Reade, and the cashier gave me a receipt that looked like a friggin' Miss America sash.

What could possibly be so important to warrant further printing? All I need to see is the item and proof that I paid for it. That's it. I don't need a coupon, my lucky numbers for the day, my horoscope , or the history of how Duane met Reade and they lived happily ever after selling Vicks Vapor Rub and sanitary napkins. Plus, aren't we supposed to be conserving paper? Asses.

"What The Hell?!" of the Moment

Every weekday morning, on my way to work, I have to cross the street at Delancey & Clinton. It's the location where most cars getting off of the Williamsburg Bridge turn, so you can probably guess that it's a busy area, especially during rush hour.

Can someone please explain to me where the friggin' fire is? Because without fail, every morning, individuals seem to have a problem waiting for the signal that allows them to cross Delancey & Clinton safely.

Singles, people in groups, people with small children, just prance (not run, but prance) across the busy ass street like they're invisible. GET THE #$%& OUT OF THE WAY! And, that's just what's going on in my mind while I'm standing on the corner waiting for the signal. I can just imagine what drivers think.

What the hell is so special on the other side of the street, that you have to risk your life to get over there? It's Delancey Street for goodness sake! What? Is there a hot sale at Rainbow? Is PePe's Joyeria giving away jewelry for free? NO HE ISN'T! So, slow your asses down!

Crush of the Moment

Bradley Cooper
(Failure to Launch, Wedding Crashers)

Do I need to even post a reason why he is my crush of the moment? Look at him! I wanna swim in those baby-blues.

But, in case you want some stats, here ya go:

Bradley was born in Philly (YAY, I lived there once) in 1975, and he's 6'1" tall. Annnnnd, my thorough Google-ing has shown that he is unmarried. You know what that means? Now that I've tagged him, a 'lil gay dust will be sprinkled on him (right AJ?).

Enjoy him while you can ladies, because knowing how I am, he's gonna be next week's Page Six blind item. Damn, damn, damn.

Kids These Days

Dineen and I entered the elevator in my apartment building this evening. The elevator is being renovated, and we noticed that wooden boards were placed on the floor. In the corner, we saw that someone had taken a marker and drew [side note: is that a word?] a big heart with the initials "FN" and "EC". I said to Dineen, "Do we have kids in this building?" Laughing, she says, "No."

We go upstairs to my parents apartment and hang out for a while. Then the mystery is discovered! Our father, Fred, marked up the elevator floor with that 'lil shout out of love to our mother, Elizabeth. What, are they 10?

After I threw up, I realized how cute it is that Dad would do that. Aww, you crazy kids you!

Come On! Who are you trying to kid?

Recently, my sister Dineen and I went to see "The Wedding Singer on Broadway." Good show, go see it ... but that is besides the point. My rant today is about men who wear toupees.

I'm not against toupee/wig wearers. I am, however, against men who wear artificial hair pieces that look NOTHING like natural hair. Rather, they look like old bathroom mats that a cat clawed at frequently ... MEOW!

Alls I'm saying is, if you're not ready to face the fact that you're bald, and want to wear a piece, at least purchase a piece that has some resemblance to human hair ... Not some flammable tarp that city-dwellers use to make their apartment balconies look like they really grow grass. You're not fooling any one.

Embrace your baldness. You probably look much better bald any way. I mean, look at these fine bald men:

Spring Cleaning!

It's that time of year again! And, looky, looky what have we here:

How Yooooou Doin'?
Apparently, not well. Matt LeBlanc has filed for divorce from his wife, Melissa. I don't understand how you can date someone for years, but not even three years after you marry, you break up. What the hell! You could have saved your family and friends the trouble of buying a whole mess of crap from Williams Sonoma, if you would have just remained living in sin. I'm not sure who's at fault, because in California no one ever takes the blame (irreconcilable difference, anyone?), but if it's Matt, I hope Melissa takes him for all that Joey Tribbiani money.



Does Louis Vuitton Build Homes?
Because the tranny-esque Kimora Lee Simmons is gonna be out on her ass soon, and you know b*tch ain't trying to move back in with her mama. Hmm, maybe Russell will be nice enough to let her live in that closet of her's that's bigger than some countries.

I personally love when a couples' PR rep makes a statement like, "Both parties continue to respect and admire eachother ..." Blah, blah, blah. When there are millions of dollars at stake, ain't no one respecting and admiring. More like hiring a private detective to find old pics of Kimora when she was a man, so Russell can get full custody of the kiddies.

Happy hunting!

Ru-Fi-Oooooooooh!

I was just about to start watching "A History of Violence" with the scrumptious, and let's not forget talented, Mr. Viggo Mortensen, when a preview for an upcoming Antonio Banderas movie appeared on the screen.

The new Banderas movie is called "Take the Lead," and is about a man who teaches ballroom dance to a bunch of high school hooligans. No big whoop, right? I thought so too, until I saw the actor who plays one of the hooligans, and then I almost gagged. It was none other than Rufio (Dante Basco) from "Hook" with Robin Williams. Remember him? He was the kid who became the self-proclaimed leader of the Lost Boys, while Peter was off becoming a lawyer or some crap like that.

Now, I was going to let this discovery slide, but then it hit me! Um, "Hook" was made in 1991, and Rufio was like 10. So, how in the hell is this dude playing a high school problem-child 15 years later? That's right peeps, Rufio is 31 years old (seriously, he was born in 1975), and he is playing a teen-ager.

(Did Michael try to get you to
drink Jesus Juice?)

Obviously, Rufio has good genes, an amazing dermatologist, or knows where the Fountain of Youth exists (No wonder he was one of Michael's favorites ... Yep, Dante was in Michael Jackson's "MoonWalker" video-movie thingee ... I bet he has some tales to tell about Neverland [pun intended].)

On a similar note, how hard is it to find a teen-ager to play a teen-ager in a movie? Is there a shortage in Hollywood to the point where casting agents need to recruit 31 year olds to act 16? Because, I know a few grown ass men that do a really good impression of a teen-ager. Maybe they need to be shipped out to LA.

"No, no, its okay ... you look just like baby inside."

Goody: [TrueL] is getting his ass waxed as we speak
D993: lmao
D993: why?
Goody: hes done it before. hes going to LA this week
D993: didnt he tell u that he wasnt gonna be here for ur birthday?
Goody: yeah
D993: so why u yellin at him
Goody: huh? who said i was yelling at him
D993: o i thought u were upset with him
Goody: where did you read that?
Goody: i said he was getting his ass waxed, and hes going to la
D993: "Goody: jp is getting his ass waxed as we speak"
D993: i didnt know literally
Goody: no ass
D993: haha
D993: well what the hell
Goody: seriously, hot wax is being poured in his crack
D993: lmao
D993: ahahahahahah
Goody: i was all confused
D993: me too

Follow Up: TrueL called me after the waxing and said it hurt like crazy. He said he broke into a sweat and had tears in his eyes. But, the nice Russian lady tried to comfort him by saying, "No, no, it's okay ... you look just like baby inside."

Tyrone Biggums Sighting

Last week my mother landed herself in the hospital because of a stiff shoulder. Of course, a trip to the emergency room is never without some fun (especially when three out of four of my mom's daughters are in the same room). After hanging out in a private area in the emergency unit, mom was taken by a nurse to the x-ray room across the way. Dineen, Sissy and I followed, of course. Mom was planted outside the x-ray room, where she had to wait until she was called. Sis and I were against one wall, and Dineen and mom were against the other. While waiting, this man, who had a strange resemblance to Tyrone Biggums (Chappelle Show) emerged from one of the rooms. Tyrone had his head buried into a greasy Quiznos sandwich. He must have enjoyed it, because he was moaning, groaning and licking his lips as he devoured it. He had mayo all over his mouth. Sis was just getting over the stomach flu, and was about to hurl, until Tyrone starting talking to me. "Mmmmmm, this is so good!," he said. "I'm glad you're enjoying it," was my response as I scurried to Dineen's side of the hallway. Meanwhile, Dineen is moving away like she doesn't know me. Tyrone inched forward, and continued to compliment his food item with words and grunts. Then, while looking at my chest, Tyrone said, "You're pretty." I responded nicely, while Sissy was searching her Coach bag for a blunt object to beat his ass. Eventually, Tyrone was escorted to another room; that's when Dineen started to say that he was my soulmate. Ha ha ha, very funny. Well, it turns out that Tyrone returned to our area of the emergency unit shortly after, and I heard him telling someone else they were pretty. Bastard! I thought we had something real.


Crush of the Moment


My crush of the moment is Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central (Mon. - Thurs. @ 11:30pm). Say what you will, I think he is handsome and funny as hell. Watch the show!!

Shark Attack

On last night's episode of "The Apprentice," the winning team was rewarded with a trip to an aquarium and a chance to swim with sharks.

What the hell kind of prize is that?

I used to think Trump's lunch/dinner rewards were stupid, but swimming with sharks takes the cake. Trump should fire himself for approving that one.

Fly me off to Maralago for lunch and golf, reward me with diamonds ... But, a trip to an aquarium? No thanks. I did that in kindergarten - it didn't impress me then, and it sure as hell won't impress me now.

Crush of the Moment

Boris Kodjoe

This weekend I saw "Madea's Family Reunion," and Mr. Kodjoe played one of the main characters; a sensitive and caring bus driver named .... who the hell cares!

This man is beautiful, and is probably the only man who can get away with a name like Boris. I know he was born in Germany, and Boris is probably a typical name, but still, it doesn't exactly flow like honey.

Ladies, Boris is married to his co-star from Soul Food (ShowTime Series). But, for the moment, he's mine.


Hmmm, it looks like Boris is thinking something naughty. Good, we have something in common, 'cause my thoughts aren't exactly of the purest nature right now.

Ashes to Ashes

Goody: k
True L: ?
Goody: so diceys [my dog who recently passed away] ashes are supposedly being delivered today by the mail-person
True L: awww
Goody: soooo, our mail person delivers a package a little bit ago
Goody: and its a lil heavy, so im like, this is it! im going to open it
Goody: i opened it .... (drum roll please)
Goody: its the cigarettes my parents order [over the internet]
True L: no way!
Goody: lol
Goody: yep
Goody: but, there is a package at the post office that my dad has to pick up, so that might be dicey
True L: most prob that one
True L: I would assume ashes need to be signed for etc..
Goody: who knows, alls im saying is i was about to cry over some benson & hedges/misty lights 120s