One Step for Mankind, Two Steps Back for Women

I know you've heard the news about the female astronaut that went ape-shit over a male astronaut. Girl, what the hell were you thinking?!

This chick wore adult diapers for a 900 mile drive just so she wouldn't have to stop on the way! HELLO! Now that's what I call planning.

#1 - Don't ever chase a man. The whole reason its calling chasing is because the dude is running in the other direction ... let it go girl, he don't want you.

#2 - If anyone deserves to be kidnapped and beaten, it's the man not the other woman.

#3 - Don't astronauts make good money? Why not just fly to Orlando instead of driving and sitting in your feces? See, rocket scientists really aren't that bright.

Twig and Berries

Am I the only one who watches Rome on HBO? This show is CRAZY!

I'm no prude, but my goodness, this show is so debaucherous that even I blush.

People are constantly showing their twigs and berries, and there are boobies every where! And, Marc Athony! Don't even get me started on him!

The plot is good. But, seriously, I'm not gonna hide the fact that I watch it for the twigs and berries.

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with traffic cops?

I agree they are useful, at times. However, all of the traffic police I have seen lately aren't doing anything that the traffic lights don't already do.

When the light is green, they motion for you to go. When the light is red, they tell you to stop.

If you're gonna stand in the middle of the street with your white gloves, friggin' do something productive! What the hell! We've had traffic lights for years - it's not like we don't know that green means go and red means stop.

Watch me get hit by a car now.

"Black boys are delicious ..."

I took my neice to see "Stomp the Yard" yesterday. She is madly in love with Chris Brown, and I must say, after seeing this movie, I wouldn't think twice about pushing my neice to the ground to get to Mr. Brown. Hee, hee.

Chris Brown doesn't have a big role in the movie, but Columbus Short (the guy who plays his brother) does, and my, oh, my is he a cutie.

In fact all the cocoa mens is this movie were hot. The good guys. The bad guys. I didn't know whose side I was on! It was quite confusing.

Bottom line is, the movie was good. It had a good message. And, on a crass note, I wouldn't mind any one of them stomping my yard, so to speak. (I hope you like that one Sissy!)

PS: Chris Brown is cute. But doesn't he sort of remind you of Jim Carrey in "The Mask" when he smiles?

Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

This weekend my sisters (minus Tonya) and I went to a surprise baby shower for a friend. It was almost time for the guest of honor to arrive, but she was by no means right outside the door. Well, my sisters and I were in a corner conversing with another guest, and my sister Sissy laughed out loud ... nothing earth shattering, but she obviously enjoyed what was being said. From across the room another guest says, "Shhhhhhhhh!" Sissy and I made the ONLY eye contact, honey.

Um, did you just "shush" a grown ass woman? I think you did, and that isn't cute.

Listen, little girl (the guest was by no means a child, but she was definitely younger than Sissy and I), you don't "shush" a grown woman unless you want to be punched in the forehead. You do not know The Sisters well enough to "shush" us or even joke about shushing us. And, for your sake it better have been a joke.

Although, joke or not, your ass is on my list of "People I Don't Like from The Get." And, that is not a good place to be. That means from now on, until you prove otherwise, you will receive dirty looks, rolling of the eyes, and snickering from where ever I am located when I'm in the same vicinity as you. But that is not all! No sirree! If you are on my list, that means you are on my sisters lists by default. BOO YAH! It's over honey. And think, this is only for shushing one of us. Get it together girl ... get-it-together!

Pigeons

I was thinking, pigeons don't get enough credit.

They have masterminded this whole bird thing.

First, they deserve some respect for being like the only birds that stay up north during the winter. Pigeons are friggin' in NYC all year. Unlike other birds, pigeons must have some big cajones to do that.

Also, they aren't afraid of people any more. Those bitches will fly at you. Honey, it is you against them ... and until you are able to fly and shit on people's heads, I'm thinking they're gonna win.

Then you have to think about the fact that there are so many of them, yet they have tricked us into not hunting them or eating them. I mean, what the hell makes quail so special? Why do we eat those little birds, and not pigeons? I'll tell you why!

Pigeons have successfully created a public relations campaign to give themselves a bad image. Street Cred, if you will. Make people think you are nasty, scavaging, dirty, city pigeons and no one will mess with you. It's genius!

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with religiously-based email forwards?

I know you know what I'm talking about. Those emails that are 8 pages long, are typically some sappy story about being a good person and all that jazz, at the end it says to send the email to 500 of your friends, and if you don't it means you don't love Jesus.

Listen here, I'm pretty sure Jesus knows I love him without me having to bombard my friends' mailboxes with cacamamie stories and a side of guilt. No thanks. I get enough guilt-trips from my own family. Seriously, I can't have lunch with one sister without the other making some guilt-inducing comment. Plus, what if I don't have 500 friends? Am I doomed to go to hell because I don't have a big enough network to shout-out my love for the Big "J"?

I mean, seriously, do you really think when you're at the Pearly Gates Jesus is going to be like, "Umm, sorry Frank, you can't come in ... remember that email you got 25 years ago that said if you deleted it you didn't love me? Yeah well, it was for real. I hope you like the heat ... toodles."

Crush of the Moment

Cesar Millan aka The Dog Whisperer



At first I thought he was gay. I mean, any time I see a man that knows how to dress, is nicely groomed and has gel in his hair, I just assume. But to my surprise, Mr. Millan is straight, married and a father of two sons.

I don't know what it is, maybe all that "pack leader" mumbo-jumbo, but whenever The Dog Whisperer is on, I must watch it.

I try his techniques, but my dog Breeze just isn't ready to hear any of that crap. She just stares at me with her head titled to the left.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2007 every one!

I rang in the new year with my family yesterday, and boy was that fun. People got to my house about 12 hours before the ball dropped, so by midnight we couldn't stand the sight of one another.

Once 12am hit, people practically had their coats on when they went around to give each other kisses.

The night wasn't all bad. We played a board game, and I lost 5 minutes into it. And, we watched "Armageddon" - a movie about the end of the world ... just what I like to see 20 minutes before the new year is set to begin. Thanks STARZ channel.

Despite all this, I don't regret spending the last minutes of 2006, and the first minutes of 2007 with my fabulous family. One thing is for sure, we are never bored when we're together. Well, I can't speak for my father or my sisters' husbands, but I know the ladies aren't bored. And, let's face it, that's really all that matters.

Happy New Year!

Fire Down Below!

It's here! It's here!

The 2007 FDNY Calendar of Heroes has arrived for our viewing pleasure, as well as to help us plan our days for the next year ... my goodness the fire mens are so helpful!

I've seen the pictures, and I am pleased. However, there are some months where I'm like, "Hey there buddy, put your shirt back on!"

For the most part, the calendar has succeeded in its goal - To make women call in the fire department for no good reason except to see some mens.

I don't know about you, but I'm seriously questioning my ability to light a match. I just might need the fire mens this weekend to show me how to do it correctly so I don't set my apartment on fire.

Thank you six packs, I mean fire mens, for all your hard work. Go Fort Pitt!!

Pet Peeves

Hey, Dineen, you know what annoys me? When people have 8 friggin' methods of contact, and never answer any calls.

You know that piece of plastic that fits nicely on your ear? Well, when it makes a noise, pick it up!

What the Hell of the Moment

Although I hate it, I wore panty hose today.

As I removed the hosiery from the box, I noticed the size chart on the side - It goes from A to B, then B to Q. What?! Where the hell is C thru P?

I realize many women need a size larger than B, but Q? That's a stretch (no pun intended).

I assume the Q stands for Queen.

No doubt every woman wants to be a queen ... but no one wants to be called friggin' queen-sized. That shit should only be used when discussing mattresses.

This had to be a man's doing. Yeah, a man with an A sized pee-pee.

Insolence?

Hey Guerlain, how about giving your latest perfume a name that doesn't require a trip to the dictionary.

Insolence? It doesn't even sound pretty. It rhymes with impotence for goodness sake! I did my research and the definition of insolence is: Contemptuously rude or impertinent behavior or speech. What?! The friggin' definition needs a definition!

A perfume is supposed to have a simple pretty name, like Beautiful, or Lovely. What the hell do you plan on calling your next fragrance? Revulsion? How about Noxious? No, no Putrid ... that's a keeper.

Plus, you have Hilary Swank as the spokes model. I love Hil, but she isn't really well-known for being the most attractive of actors. So, you have 2 strikes against you. The only positive is that the bottle is nice. For your sake, I hope it smells good.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

What is so unclear about: a) Lights off, b) I'm under the covers, c) My eyes are closed, and d) I'm snoring?

Obviously I'm sleeping. Why do you continue to insist on having a conversation with me at midnight using your "day-time" voice?

And it's never a simple conversation, like "Cory, did you feed the dog?" It's always something like, "Cory, what do you think about the president's recent visit to Iraq? Do you think it was a good idea for scientists to demote Pluto from a planet to a star? What are you're thoughts about Martin Scorcese? Do you think he's been screwed out of an Oscar for political reasons?"

I DON'T KNOW MOM! I'M SLEEPING!

Why don't you try having these conversations with me in the morning between your marathon viewings of Cold Case and HBO Autopsy. Geez.

Oh, and I notice you have a cold with a cough. How about taking a break from sucking down your nicotine sticks? I kinda have a feeling that they might make the cough worse.

Love, Cory

When Animals Act Like Animals

Recently a lot of hullabaloo has occurred because Shamu went ape-shit on a trainer at Sea World.

Now, news channels are devoting loads of time to this issue, and showing a lot of footage of animals attacking people. Then they interview experts, and ask questions like, "Why did the animals attack?, What caused the animal to act in such a way?" Um, I don't know. Maybe it's because they're fucking wild animals!

Why are people surprised when animals do what comes natural to them? I don't care how many hoops Shamu can jump through, they don't call them Killer Whales for nothing.

Shamu has been doing this dog & pony show for years, bitch was probably fed-up with something and went "diva" on their asses. She was like, "Um, what kind of fish is this? Flounder! Oh no you didn't just feed me flounder! I told you I only eat salmon! I'll show you how to treat the star of your show!" Of course I know Shamu can't speak English, so it probably sounded more like this, "Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The same thing happened with Siegfried and Roy and the tiger attack a few years back. People were all shocked when the tiger went crazy during a show. Why? It's a tiger, not Morris the Cat. You can feed a tiger caviar, and have him living in the lap of luxury - it still doesn't take away from the fact that by nature, if Fluffy is hungry and mistakes your sequin-costume wearing ass for a snack, you're going down. Meow!

Here are some words of wisdom: 1) Stop trying to domesticate wild animals, no one wants to hang out with you and your pet lion. Thanks, but I like my limbs. 2) Wild animals were not meant to jump through hoops, etc., to entertain people. If you're not interesting enough to entertain a crowd on your own, don't train an animal to do your work for you. That's just sad. 3) Don't have a titty attack every time an animal fights back. How would you like it if someone starved you, and then whipped your ass until you jumped in the air and performed a flip that by nature you were not meant to do? I know I'd bite someone. Hell, even now, if I'm hungry and tired, you better keep away.

Rocky 6? Oh, come on!

Dude, seriously, why? What would possess you to make another Rocky movie? Isn't your wife's skin care line doing well on The Home Shopping Channel?

For the love of God, Rocky 5 was stretching it a bit! And, the only reason I watched it was because some of it was filmed in my neighborhood, and I kinda had a crush on your son, Sage.

I'm all for under-dog stories, who doesn't love those? But this is a "dig up a dead dog and 'Pet Sematary' it back to life" type of story. And, we all know what happened to the family cat, the little kid, and that guy's wife when they came back to life in the movie... it wasn't pretty.

Listen, I'm proud of you for being in your 60's and still having pecks and six-pack abs. Go you! But when Talia Shire doesn't agree to come back and play Adrian, and your real son doesn't sign on to play your son in the movie (and we all know he isn't busy, the last thing we saw him in was "Daylight") then I say that is a sign from above that you shouldn't make part 6. Rocky is a lovable character, he isn't Freddy Kruger ... let his ass go. Mickey and Apollo must be rolling in their graves!

And, why is Paulie still around? Wasn't it his fault you went bankrupt in part 5 and had to move back into the slums? Send him packing. But, bring back that robot thing from Rocky 4 ... that was hot.

I'll probably go to the theater to see the movie, but I swear, if there is a scene where your old ass is punching slabs of meat, I am so outta there.

Ta-Da!

This Thanksgiving holiday, David Blaine plans to wow us with his "magic" once again.

Apparently, he plans to remain shackled in a spinning ball thingee for a few days, and then he will attempt to de-shackle. All this, during a 2 day Target (Tar-Jay) sale. I guess Tar-Jay is sponsoring him or something. I'm more excited for the sale, really.

David, honey, spinning in a ball all shackled up is not magic. I know people who feel like they do that once they finally get their weekend hit of "E," and I ain't talking about the channel.

Don't get me wrong, you're good at what you do. But what you do is hold your breath, crash diet and pee through a catheter, not magic. I can hold my breath too .............................................................................................................. Oh damn, I almost blacked out. And half of Hollywood crash diets, but I won't name names ... [COUGH, Kate Bosworth, COUGH].

I kid, I kid. I wish you much luck on your new tricky. Perhaps I'll say hello to you when I'm taking advantage of the Tar-Jay sale.

PS: I love that whole "mysterious/sleepy" eye look you have going. It's very, "I come with a lot of childhood baggage, but I repress it and perform senseless acts for attention." It's hot.

Crush of the Moment

Spartacus from Lazy Town


In many ways, this crush of the moment is wrong ... very, very wrong. I was watching my nephew a few days ago and began searching channels for something interesting to watch with him. I found a show on some Nickelodeon channel called "Lazy Town," and I see a grown ass man with rock hard biceps trying to teach kids about teamwork.

Look at this guy! I don't know whether I should be applauding him for working with children, or checking to see if he's on a pedophile website. There is just something about grown men and kids that gives me the skeevies.

On another note, take off that friggin' floppy hat and that "I stuck my finger in an electric socket" mustache, and he's hot! Plus, I think his eyes are trying to tell me something in this picture ... this is weird. I'm going to stop now.

Fat Suits

Can someone please tell me why beautiful people on entertainment shows are still dressing up in fat-suits in order to show their viewers that big people are discriminated against?

The past few weeks I have seen both Maria Menounos and Vanessa Minnillo parade around in fat/ugly suits to prove that big and unattractive people aren't embraced by society. DUH!

Ladies, I realize you're trying to do your part for society and all, but please stop. We knew big and unattractive people were discriminated against before your skinny asses were born.

Plus, you do this segment every year, did you think people's perceptions were going to change? Hello! Plus, of course you weren't able to get into Hyde in a fat-suit ... Tara Reid couldn't even get in there.

On another note, is there a shortage of fat people or something? Why do you have to dress some skinny bitch up in a suit to prove discrimination? Why not just put a camera on an authentically large individual? Idiots. And why do they always dress them up in ugly clothes? Not all big people have bad style, geez. Did you ever think that maybe people are discriminating against you because your clothes look horrendous and your wig is bad?

What are you possibly gaining from this research Entertainment Tonight/Access Hollywood? The segment always ends with, "They were so mean to me, I almost cried," and that's it! What the hell! Give me something a little more profound, like how you want Hollywood to embrace real women. Don't waste my time with a skinny tart crying.

What the Hell of the Moment

I realize this is a very random "What the Hell?" but, it must be shared. Now that the holidays are coming, more and more Thomas Kinkade images are popping up.

We've all seen his work - little babbling brooks, with a cottage that has one light on, lighthouses in the distance, etc. The images are found in the form of mugs, commemorative plates, AVON products and such. My "What the Hell?" has to do with his paintings.

Are you aware that Kinkade-lovers pay top dollar for his paintings, and they aren't even originals ... and they know this! Trust me, I saw an expose on 60 Minutes!

Mr. Kinkade makes one real painting, and then his factory reprints them and sells them for hundreds of dollars. They even have galleries of reprinted paintings for patrons to purchase (say that 3 times fast!). Isn't a store filled with reprinted paintings called a poster shop, not a gallery? Dress it up with a nice frame all you want, it still doesn't take away from the fact that thousands of the same painting were created and when you want to sell your shit, it will be worth about a buck fitty.