Jesus, is that you?

The other day on the "Today Show," they discussed a man who says that he is Jesus. His name is Dr. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Leave it to a hispanic to say that he is the Son of God ... geez, machismo has gone way too far. Moms and Dads, take heed: this is the shit that happens when you don't hug your kids enough. Or you hug them WAY too much. It's all about moderation.

During the "Today Show," they had clips of Dr. Miranda surrounded by security guards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're Jesus, I'm pretty sure you can dodge a bullet. So, what's up with the security?

Now, I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't shout himself out as the Son of God. Yes, he had an entourage, a posse if you will, but a microphone to call attention to himself and a security detail, He did not.

Any who, on the show this guy says that there is no such thing as sin (how convenient), and that the devil is not real; he's something made up by Hollywood. Has he even read the Bible, you might ask. But of course he has! Although he doesn't believe in sin or Satan, he sure as hell (no pun intended) believes in his followers paying tithes. His followers give him shares to their companies, and much more than the 10% discussed in the Good Book!

K, the Jesus I know and love doesn't seem like the type that comes back to Earth and says, "Hey! Yeah, you know that book you've been reading since, well, since forever? Yeah, um, chuck it, because, um, My Father and I decided to change a few things, and well, it's been decided that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Oh, and Satan's not real, we were just messing with your heads, funny huh? Don't get too excited, because we added some fine print, and you're gonna have to pay us double. Thanks, you're a peach!"

Oh, and as for this guy's followers ... don't get me started ... don't even get me started.

KFed-iquette

Kevin, honey, you must have missed a fews days in "Hardcore Rap 101," because rappers do not stick their pinkies out. That's only during tea-time in England, and since we both know you're not going to hang out with Queen Elizabeth any time soon, please put the piggy down.

Thanks, you're a peach.

Breaking News

Scientists are now saying that Pluto is not a planet, according to the new criteria of what makes something a planet.

Hey, here's my question: Who gives a shit?

After this news, Pluto is gonna mean the same to me now as it did in elementary school ... nothing. It was just the 9th ball we glued to our sad solar system projects.

I don't care about other planets, unless you need to let me know that one is coming toward Earth.

But, thank you scientists for this interesting nugget of information.

Random Thought

Whenever I have McDonald's for breakfast, I always feel like a whore leaving a cheap motel after a "date" - dirty, tainted with guilt, and wondering if I remembered to put my underwear on. All that, just from a sausage biscuit!

Maybe low self-esteem is McDonald's secret ingredient. You eat their food, start to feel like crap, so you go and eat some more of their food... it's a vicious cycle!

And, I'm still not over why they have McNuggets shaped like boots.

AIM Convo of the Moment

Goody: k, the dude that wrote he;s just not that into you is getting his own talk show

CallMe: ugh

CallMe: why?

CallMe: To remind people that others are just not into them?

My Day at Camp Crystal Lake

Last Thursday the agency I work for (which shall remain nameless) had Unity Day - an all day event for the entire staff at the agency's camp upstate, so we could "reconnect" outside of the office. Let's just call it what it really was - a day off from work, where individual program staffs could reconnect with their own cliques in a grassy area with insects.

The day started off in front of the main office, where we waited for the buses to pick us up. A few co-workers and I boarded one bus, unaware that this was the designated "block party" bus. A group of older staff sat in the back of the bus with a boom box, and began playing Spanish music loudly, as they drank liquor. It was 9am. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Spanish music, but at 9am I could have gone without Marc Anthony's "Contra La Corriente." We got to the camp an hour and a half later ... thank goodness, because I think one of the block party groupies was about to start a conga line, and another one was itching to shake maracas down the bus aisle.

I got off the bus, and went to find a bathroom. There was one. The line was borderline "gub-ment" cheese, it was sad, but it gave me and some of my co-workers time to make fun of other people as they arrived. For example, the agency had us wearing matching lime green t-shirts, and some staff members decided to let their inner "Heatherette" out and redesign their shirts by cutting them up. Any who, this one staff member cut off a sleeve cuff and wore it around her head like a headband - she looked like she was about to shoot a new video for Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical." After about 30 minutes, I was able to piddle and move on to lunch.

I was enjoying my food (an array of outdoorsy goodies), when I almost barfed. A staff member from another program decided to be cute and wear a belly shirt and poom-poom shorts. Not a big deal, right? Umm, no. I gathered that this chick had children because of the layers upon layers of loose, stretch marked skin hanging over the top of her shorts. Oh, and she also had a belly button ring. FYI - if you have to lift up a flap of skin to see the belly button ring, you shouldn't have a belly button ring. Now, I know I don't have a model's physique, but I think I have the sense of what not to wear - especially to a staff event. Any who, after seeing this chick jiggle by me, I had to use the bathroom again. My co-worker and I decided to use the bathrooms that the campers have to use ... BIG MISTAKE.

The bathroom/shower cabin looked exactly like the bathroom/shower cabin in Friday the 13th Part I. The bathroom and shower stalls didn't have doors, they had curtains, and you had to move the curtain to see if any one was in there. No thanks, when I want to pee I don't feel like playing "Who's in the stall with the machete?". Oh, and the toilets didn't flush - you basically did your business in a communal bin, like a bus bathroom. Ill. My urban ass was ready to go home after that experience. But, unfortunately, we had a few more hours to kill (no pun intended) at Camp Crystal Lake.

I spent the remainder of the day hanging out with my co-workers, and witnessed belly-shirt girl play softball ... I cringe thinking about it. I also watched one of my co-workers get pissed off over a shish kabob. He was mad excited about getting a shish kabob, and the cook had quite a few on the grill. Well, once they were done, some lady from another program popped up and housed about seven kabobs. My co-worker was heated, but alas, the Kabob Caper got away without a fight.

By the time we were ready to board the bus back to NYC, I had lost my battle of trying to keep nature off of my city purse; I don't do nature. As everyone flocked to the buses, my goal was to get on the bus that didn't have the boom box. I thought I was homefree, until I heard a group of staff members cackling for the dude with the boom box to board my bus. Great, another hour of Elvis Crespo's "Suavamente!" I silently prayed for the batteries to die.

We got back to the main office, and everyone on the bus (excluding me) clapped like we were on a plane that just landed. Ugh, get me off of this bus NOW! I ran from that bus thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to intermingle with those people until next year. Next time, I'm bringing a water bottle filled with, um, "special" water. Bottoms up!

Crush of the Moment

Dane Cook


Dane is an incredibly talented, and popular comedian. He's my crush of the moment because not only is he hilarious ... he's hilarious and hot. He's tall too, so yay!

And, according to Dane's My Space account, he's single. (No, I am not one of his 3 million friends).

Visit Dane's site if you want a good laugh: www.danecook.com

Here's just a little smidgen of Dane's humor -

"No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst.. when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you know, you're like at a pool party or something... "I'm gonna go in the deep end, watch my dive. Watch my dive." Right, and then you dive in. And the second you get to the bottom you're like, "GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHERE'S THE SURFACE?!!" And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "Ohhh! Jesus Christ, Timmy! Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss!.. Your son almost killed me with his uh, Daffy Duck raft over here, John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool.. Float away from me! Float away!""

Please Stop

Dear Janet:

I don't know if you've been keeping track, but I have, and you're 40 years old. Now, I will be the first to agree that you look good. However, you need to stop dressing like you're 19.

Also, I've grown tired of seeing your ta-tas. Please put them away. They are losing their shape, and scare me.

Once you put your bitties in a safe place, inform the troll you call a boyfriend that there is a bridge that needs him to hide under it.

Thanks, you're a peach! -- Cory

It's Like Halley's Comet

The commericial for Step Up was just on, with that scrumptious Channing Tatum (that is such a pornstar name). Any who, according to the voice-over dude, a movie like this comes but once every 10 years. Apparently, because of this fact, we should run to the theaters right away.

Um, someone needs to do their research, because movies about wanna-be ruff-necks that dance and fall in love with the sweet, virgin-like chick, come out every other month. Snap out some new ideas people. It doesn't matter what the characters names are, audiences will still think the dude is Johnny Castle, and the chick is Baby/Frances Houseman.

Plus, are they playing teenaged characters? Because they are both in their late 20s. Well, Channing is my age, so, um, he's in his EARLY 20s ... yeah, that's it.

Who am I kidding? You know I will be the first one in the theater with my bucket of popcorn ... I mean, we're talking about Channing Tatum here! He's a hottie. I just hope he doesn't pull a David Beckham ... you know, looking all hot and macho, but sounding like a proper English lady.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Charlotte: Imagine, being blind and not being able to see a beautiful day like today. Can you think of anything worse?

Anthony: Stonewashed jeans and a matching jacket.

Crush of the Moment

On my way to work yesterday morning, Law & Order was filming a scene on Delancey Street. Do you know who was in that scene, my friends? None other than Mr. Big himself, Chris Noth. The 6'1", 52 year old actor was in my presence!

I would seriously commit a crime if I knew he was the cop assigned to frisk me. It wouldn't be anything serious, probably just shop lifting or something of that nature. Is that even worthy of a frisking? I don't think so ... guess I'mma have to assault someone.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: Ladies! Seamen, twelve o'clock!

Miranda: I pray when I turn around there are sailors, because with her, you never know.

Toilet Talkers

It always weirds me out when I encounter a Toilet Talker in the ladies room. Now, I can handle it if it's a family member or close friend. However, when it's someone you just met, it's weird.

Hello! You're on the bowl and having a regular conversation with me. How important is what you have to say to me that you can't wait until we're outside the bathroom to discuss it?

Did you find Hoffa? Do you know who was behind the grassy knoll when JFK was assassinated? Do you know the truth about Baby Suri? I doubt it! So, finish tinkling, and then talk to me when you get outside.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: I'm always surprised when anyone leaves New York. I mean, where do they go?

Miranda: The real world?

Samantha: A homeless man showed me his dick on the way here. It doesn't get any realer than that.

What ever happened to the neighborhood video store?

I was walking on 14th street yesterday, and I passed by a few neighborhood video stores. What happened to them? It's like with the emergence of such chains as Blockbuster and Hollywood Video, all neighborhood video stores look like all they sell are hardcore porn and dildos. And please, for the love of humanity, you cannot advertise "A History of Violence, " and Jenna Jameson's new movie in the same window!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't we able to just waltz right in to our neighborhood video store several years ago? Now, we have to get buzzed in. I'm sorry, there is no reason for buzzing people in unless you are selling videos where the lead actor is Ron Jeremy. And, most of them are open 24 hours ... why? Who the hell is waking up at 3am with a hankering to go get a copy of The English Patient? No one!!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Carrie: When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...




Okay, okay, that one was a little deep, so here's another one just to lighten the mood -



Adam: Come on, give me a little BJ, up and down a couple times, you're done, it's easy!
Samantha: Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!

"What The Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with people that are younger than me calling me "kiddo"? Um, no. Listen here honey, perhaps the bleach is seeping into your cute lil' brain, but I'm older than you. Therefore, if any one is calling any one "kiddo," it would be be calling you, not vice versa. And, who the hell says "kiddo" any more?


#2 For Project Runway fans, what the hell is up with the judges not voting off Angela (or Allison, whatever the hell her names is)? She has a bad attitude, and terrible style too boot! Did you see the outfit she designed this week? It was HIDEOUS. I've seen nicer things sold at K's Fashion on Clinton Street. For goodness sake, she sewed scrunchies onto a skirt! Scrunchies!!! I'm surprised Nina Garcia from Elle didn't faint right then and there.

On another note, I put this picture of Austin Scarlett (PR Season 1) up to represent Project Runway because, well, look at this bitch! He is fierce! And, he sincerely believes he is channeling the spirit of Audrey Hepburn. He isn't even trying to hide it ... he's got gloves, pearls and a friggin' sash around his waist - plus, the lip gloss and 5 o'clock shadow give his look more panache. Geez, this dude is so far out the closet ... well, that's probably because he's hanging out in Ms. Hepburn's armoire.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

What the hell is up with "fun size" candy bars? I'm sorry, but fun-size is like the size of a mattress, not the size of my thumb. When I think of my thumb, I don't think, "Wow! How 'fun' would it be to eat a candy bar this size?"

Eh, for all I know the candy companies wanted to make their fun-sized bars much bigger, but the government said no - in a successful attempt to control how much fun Americans have. Damn them!

Debbie Does Sing-Sing?

The other day my mother was telling me about some prisoners that are suing because they want access to pornographic materials, such as magazines that show boobies, and movies (You know? The ones with awe-inspiring plot lines, and Oscar worthy performances).

My mother sounded like she was against it. I say, give it to them! But, they had better be careful what they wish for.

I mean, we all know that mens be having sex with other mens in prison ... and that's without the added arousing visual stimuli. Just think what would happen if there were copies of JUGS strewn about, and 24-hour viewings of "Forrest Hump."

Ooooo-weeeee! Bubba would have a field day come shower time! Hold on tight to your soap-on-a-rope fellas!

Andy Cooper is in the Mid-East ... Surprise, Surprise

Attention everyone, Anderson Cooper is on the move again ... he's like the arcade game "Whack-A-Mole," you never know where his little head's gonna pop up. Today, he's in the Middle East.

Not like there isn't enough going on over there, Andy, and his Prada-wearing ass, has to show up too. We get it Anderson ... something bad is happening, why else would you be there?

I love me some Andy, he's gorgeous, he's debonair, he's an heir to the Vanderbilt fortune ... whoops, did that pop out? But, it's getting to the point where every time I see him on the news, I think of the Three Amigos:

"Wherever there is injustice, you will find [him]. Wherever there is suffering, [he'll] be there. Wherever liberty is threatened,you will find" ...

Anderson Cooper!