Last Thursday the agency I work for (which shall remain nameless) had Unity Day - an all day event for the entire staff at the agency's camp upstate, so we could "reconnect" outside of the office. Let's just call it what it really was - a day off from work, where individual program staffs could reconnect with their own cliques in a grassy area with insects.
The day started off in front of the main office, where we waited for the buses to pick us up. A few co-workers and I boarded one bus, unaware that this was the designated "block party" bus. A group of older staff sat in the back of the bus with a boom box, and began playing Spanish music loudly, as they drank liquor. It was 9am. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Spanish music, but at 9am I could have gone without Marc Anthony's "Contra La Corriente." We got to the camp an hour and a half later ... thank goodness, because I think one of the block party groupies was about to start a conga line, and another one was itching to shake maracas down the bus aisle.
I got off the bus, and went to find a bathroom. There was one. The line was borderline "gub-ment" cheese, it was sad, but it gave me and some of my co-workers time to make fun of other people as they arrived. For example, the agency had us wearing matching lime green t-shirts, and some staff members decided to let their inner "Heatherette" out and redesign their shirts by cutting them up. Any who, this one staff member cut off a sleeve cuff and wore it around her head like a headband - she looked like she was about to shoot a new video for Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical." After about 30 minutes, I was able to piddle and move on to lunch.
I was enjoying my food (an array of outdoorsy goodies), when I almost barfed. A staff member from another program decided to be cute and wear a belly shirt and poom-poom shorts. Not a big deal, right? Umm, no. I gathered that this chick had children because of the layers upon layers of loose, stretch marked skin hanging over the top of her shorts. Oh, and she also had a belly button ring. FYI - if you have to lift up a flap of skin to see the belly button ring, you shouldn't have a belly button ring. Now, I know I don't have a model's physique, but I think I have the sense of what not to wear - especially to a staff event. Any who, after seeing this chick jiggle by me, I had to use the bathroom again. My co-worker and I decided to use the bathrooms that the campers have to use ... BIG MISTAKE.
The bathroom/shower cabin looked exactly like the bathroom/shower cabin in Friday the 13th Part I. The bathroom and shower stalls didn't have doors, they had curtains, and you had to move the curtain to see if any one was in there. No thanks, when I want to pee I don't feel like playing "Who's in the stall with the machete?". Oh, and the toilets didn't flush - you basically did your business in a communal bin, like a bus bathroom. Ill. My urban ass was ready to go home after that experience. But, unfortunately, we had a few more hours to kill (no pun intended) at Camp Crystal Lake.
I spent the remainder of the day hanging out with my co-workers, and witnessed belly-shirt girl play softball ... I cringe thinking about it. I also watched one of my co-workers get pissed off over a shish kabob. He was mad excited about getting a shish kabob, and the cook had quite a few on the grill. Well, once they were done, some lady from another program popped up and housed about seven kabobs. My co-worker was heated, but alas, the Kabob Caper got away without a fight.
By the time we were ready to board the bus back to NYC, I had lost my battle of trying to keep nature off of my city purse; I don't do nature. As everyone flocked to the buses, my goal was to get on the bus that didn't have the boom box. I thought I was homefree, until I heard a group of staff members cackling for the dude with the boom box to board my bus. Great, another hour of Elvis Crespo's "Suavamente!" I silently prayed for the batteries to die.
We got back to the main office, and everyone on the bus (excluding me) clapped like we were on a plane that just landed. Ugh, get me off of this bus NOW! I ran from that bus thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to intermingle with those people until next year. Next time, I'm bringing a water bottle filled with, um, "special" water. Bottoms up!
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