Fire Down Below!

It's here! It's here!

The 2007 FDNY Calendar of Heroes has arrived for our viewing pleasure, as well as to help us plan our days for the next year ... my goodness the fire mens are so helpful!

I've seen the pictures, and I am pleased. However, there are some months where I'm like, "Hey there buddy, put your shirt back on!"

For the most part, the calendar has succeeded in its goal - To make women call in the fire department for no good reason except to see some mens.

I don't know about you, but I'm seriously questioning my ability to light a match. I just might need the fire mens this weekend to show me how to do it correctly so I don't set my apartment on fire.

Thank you six packs, I mean fire mens, for all your hard work. Go Fort Pitt!!

Pet Peeves

Hey, Dineen, you know what annoys me? When people have 8 friggin' methods of contact, and never answer any calls.

You know that piece of plastic that fits nicely on your ear? Well, when it makes a noise, pick it up!

What the Hell of the Moment

Although I hate it, I wore panty hose today.

As I removed the hosiery from the box, I noticed the size chart on the side - It goes from A to B, then B to Q. What?! Where the hell is C thru P?

I realize many women need a size larger than B, but Q? That's a stretch (no pun intended).

I assume the Q stands for Queen.

No doubt every woman wants to be a queen ... but no one wants to be called friggin' queen-sized. That shit should only be used when discussing mattresses.

This had to be a man's doing. Yeah, a man with an A sized pee-pee.

Insolence?

Hey Guerlain, how about giving your latest perfume a name that doesn't require a trip to the dictionary.

Insolence? It doesn't even sound pretty. It rhymes with impotence for goodness sake! I did my research and the definition of insolence is: Contemptuously rude or impertinent behavior or speech. What?! The friggin' definition needs a definition!

A perfume is supposed to have a simple pretty name, like Beautiful, or Lovely. What the hell do you plan on calling your next fragrance? Revulsion? How about Noxious? No, no Putrid ... that's a keeper.

Plus, you have Hilary Swank as the spokes model. I love Hil, but she isn't really well-known for being the most attractive of actors. So, you have 2 strikes against you. The only positive is that the bottle is nice. For your sake, I hope it smells good.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

What is so unclear about: a) Lights off, b) I'm under the covers, c) My eyes are closed, and d) I'm snoring?

Obviously I'm sleeping. Why do you continue to insist on having a conversation with me at midnight using your "day-time" voice?

And it's never a simple conversation, like "Cory, did you feed the dog?" It's always something like, "Cory, what do you think about the president's recent visit to Iraq? Do you think it was a good idea for scientists to demote Pluto from a planet to a star? What are you're thoughts about Martin Scorcese? Do you think he's been screwed out of an Oscar for political reasons?"

I DON'T KNOW MOM! I'M SLEEPING!

Why don't you try having these conversations with me in the morning between your marathon viewings of Cold Case and HBO Autopsy. Geez.

Oh, and I notice you have a cold with a cough. How about taking a break from sucking down your nicotine sticks? I kinda have a feeling that they might make the cough worse.

Love, Cory

When Animals Act Like Animals

Recently a lot of hullabaloo has occurred because Shamu went ape-shit on a trainer at Sea World.

Now, news channels are devoting loads of time to this issue, and showing a lot of footage of animals attacking people. Then they interview experts, and ask questions like, "Why did the animals attack?, What caused the animal to act in such a way?" Um, I don't know. Maybe it's because they're fucking wild animals!

Why are people surprised when animals do what comes natural to them? I don't care how many hoops Shamu can jump through, they don't call them Killer Whales for nothing.

Shamu has been doing this dog & pony show for years, bitch was probably fed-up with something and went "diva" on their asses. She was like, "Um, what kind of fish is this? Flounder! Oh no you didn't just feed me flounder! I told you I only eat salmon! I'll show you how to treat the star of your show!" Of course I know Shamu can't speak English, so it probably sounded more like this, "Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The same thing happened with Siegfried and Roy and the tiger attack a few years back. People were all shocked when the tiger went crazy during a show. Why? It's a tiger, not Morris the Cat. You can feed a tiger caviar, and have him living in the lap of luxury - it still doesn't take away from the fact that by nature, if Fluffy is hungry and mistakes your sequin-costume wearing ass for a snack, you're going down. Meow!

Here are some words of wisdom: 1) Stop trying to domesticate wild animals, no one wants to hang out with you and your pet lion. Thanks, but I like my limbs. 2) Wild animals were not meant to jump through hoops, etc., to entertain people. If you're not interesting enough to entertain a crowd on your own, don't train an animal to do your work for you. That's just sad. 3) Don't have a titty attack every time an animal fights back. How would you like it if someone starved you, and then whipped your ass until you jumped in the air and performed a flip that by nature you were not meant to do? I know I'd bite someone. Hell, even now, if I'm hungry and tired, you better keep away.

Rocky 6? Oh, come on!

Dude, seriously, why? What would possess you to make another Rocky movie? Isn't your wife's skin care line doing well on The Home Shopping Channel?

For the love of God, Rocky 5 was stretching it a bit! And, the only reason I watched it was because some of it was filmed in my neighborhood, and I kinda had a crush on your son, Sage.

I'm all for under-dog stories, who doesn't love those? But this is a "dig up a dead dog and 'Pet Sematary' it back to life" type of story. And, we all know what happened to the family cat, the little kid, and that guy's wife when they came back to life in the movie... it wasn't pretty.

Listen, I'm proud of you for being in your 60's and still having pecks and six-pack abs. Go you! But when Talia Shire doesn't agree to come back and play Adrian, and your real son doesn't sign on to play your son in the movie (and we all know he isn't busy, the last thing we saw him in was "Daylight") then I say that is a sign from above that you shouldn't make part 6. Rocky is a lovable character, he isn't Freddy Kruger ... let his ass go. Mickey and Apollo must be rolling in their graves!

And, why is Paulie still around? Wasn't it his fault you went bankrupt in part 5 and had to move back into the slums? Send him packing. But, bring back that robot thing from Rocky 4 ... that was hot.

I'll probably go to the theater to see the movie, but I swear, if there is a scene where your old ass is punching slabs of meat, I am so outta there.

Ta-Da!

This Thanksgiving holiday, David Blaine plans to wow us with his "magic" once again.

Apparently, he plans to remain shackled in a spinning ball thingee for a few days, and then he will attempt to de-shackle. All this, during a 2 day Target (Tar-Jay) sale. I guess Tar-Jay is sponsoring him or something. I'm more excited for the sale, really.

David, honey, spinning in a ball all shackled up is not magic. I know people who feel like they do that once they finally get their weekend hit of "E," and I ain't talking about the channel.

Don't get me wrong, you're good at what you do. But what you do is hold your breath, crash diet and pee through a catheter, not magic. I can hold my breath too .............................................................................................................. Oh damn, I almost blacked out. And half of Hollywood crash diets, but I won't name names ... [COUGH, Kate Bosworth, COUGH].

I kid, I kid. I wish you much luck on your new tricky. Perhaps I'll say hello to you when I'm taking advantage of the Tar-Jay sale.

PS: I love that whole "mysterious/sleepy" eye look you have going. It's very, "I come with a lot of childhood baggage, but I repress it and perform senseless acts for attention." It's hot.

Crush of the Moment

Spartacus from Lazy Town


In many ways, this crush of the moment is wrong ... very, very wrong. I was watching my nephew a few days ago and began searching channels for something interesting to watch with him. I found a show on some Nickelodeon channel called "Lazy Town," and I see a grown ass man with rock hard biceps trying to teach kids about teamwork.

Look at this guy! I don't know whether I should be applauding him for working with children, or checking to see if he's on a pedophile website. There is just something about grown men and kids that gives me the skeevies.

On another note, take off that friggin' floppy hat and that "I stuck my finger in an electric socket" mustache, and he's hot! Plus, I think his eyes are trying to tell me something in this picture ... this is weird. I'm going to stop now.

Fat Suits

Can someone please tell me why beautiful people on entertainment shows are still dressing up in fat-suits in order to show their viewers that big people are discriminated against?

The past few weeks I have seen both Maria Menounos and Vanessa Minnillo parade around in fat/ugly suits to prove that big and unattractive people aren't embraced by society. DUH!

Ladies, I realize you're trying to do your part for society and all, but please stop. We knew big and unattractive people were discriminated against before your skinny asses were born.

Plus, you do this segment every year, did you think people's perceptions were going to change? Hello! Plus, of course you weren't able to get into Hyde in a fat-suit ... Tara Reid couldn't even get in there.

On another note, is there a shortage of fat people or something? Why do you have to dress some skinny bitch up in a suit to prove discrimination? Why not just put a camera on an authentically large individual? Idiots. And why do they always dress them up in ugly clothes? Not all big people have bad style, geez. Did you ever think that maybe people are discriminating against you because your clothes look horrendous and your wig is bad?

What are you possibly gaining from this research Entertainment Tonight/Access Hollywood? The segment always ends with, "They were so mean to me, I almost cried," and that's it! What the hell! Give me something a little more profound, like how you want Hollywood to embrace real women. Don't waste my time with a skinny tart crying.

What the Hell of the Moment

I realize this is a very random "What the Hell?" but, it must be shared. Now that the holidays are coming, more and more Thomas Kinkade images are popping up.

We've all seen his work - little babbling brooks, with a cottage that has one light on, lighthouses in the distance, etc. The images are found in the form of mugs, commemorative plates, AVON products and such. My "What the Hell?" has to do with his paintings.

Are you aware that Kinkade-lovers pay top dollar for his paintings, and they aren't even originals ... and they know this! Trust me, I saw an expose on 60 Minutes!

Mr. Kinkade makes one real painting, and then his factory reprints them and sells them for hundreds of dollars. They even have galleries of reprinted paintings for patrons to purchase (say that 3 times fast!). Isn't a store filled with reprinted paintings called a poster shop, not a gallery? Dress it up with a nice frame all you want, it still doesn't take away from the fact that thousands of the same painting were created and when you want to sell your shit, it will be worth about a buck fitty.

Crushes of the Moment

Hello all, I'm back from my vacation in Chicago, and must say it was Chi-tastic! I'll give you all the interesting details in a little bit. For now, I will give you my two new crushes of the moment.

It has been a while since I've had a crush, so enjoy!

Crush #1: John Legend

A lot of people say that he's gay, and since I think he's cute, he probably is.



Crush #2: Simon Baker

I was watching "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan and Mr. Baker. So, I got into the spirit of things and decided to try something new too. And, that is to actually consider a blonde man attractive.

My kind of town ... Chicago

This afternoon I'm heading to Chicago, Il to see one of my best friends, AJ.

I'm Amtrak-ing it, so you know what that means ... AJ, anything I say to you once I'm off the train tomorrow morning is going to sound mean and angry - please don't take it personal :o) It's only because I spent almost 20 hours sitting next to a stranger who smelled like cheese and looked "un-sundry" (remember that word from New Orleans?) I really need to get back into flying ... this is ridiculous.


I will try my best to blog while I'm away about my escapades in the Windy City!

People ... people who run the risk of losing fans!

If you haven't heard already, Barbra Streisand dropped the "F" bomb on a audience member because he didn't want to hear any more of her political banter and hatred toward Bushy at a concert during her 15th farewell tour.

I don't like Bushy either, honey, but I paid thousands of dollars to hear you sing like a good little birdy, so friggin' sing!

If I wanted to see political skits or hear political commentary, I would be watching Saturday Night Live and Meet the Press for FREE at home. So, take a sippy of water, cue the orchestra, and get to singin'!

When you start adopting babies like Brangelina and not having a titty-attack when your microphone isn't pure eggshell white, than we will really care how you think politically. Right now all you are is a talented celebrity that donates money to Democrats.

It's appreciated, and all, but for right now, let's just sing. Thanks, you're a peach.

Happy Christopher "I raped and pillaged an already discovered land" Columbus Day!

I know this is a big deal, I mean, there was an entire Sopranos episode devoted to it, but I feel wrong celebrating the discovery of America, when it was discovered long before Columbus and his syphilis-infected brethren arrived.

I definitely agree that we should celebrate Italian heritage because there were so many things that they introduced to this country, such as Madonna and tiramisu. But, I don't think we should celebrate a guy who was going the wrong way in the first place. What are we congratulating him for? Bad navigation skills?

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with genetically enhanced fruit? Last week a coworker brought in peaches the size of bowling balls, and today I got something in my fruit salad that could be one of 3 things: A genetically enhanced grape, a genetically enhanced blueberry, or a blue testicle.

I'm not even joking. I plan to carry the blue thingy home and show it to others.

Who is going around telling people that we need large fruits? We have so much food in this country, that people friggin' hang out at the grocery store, why the hell do we need big ass fruit?

Make big chocolate cupcakes, not big fruit.

Special Crush of the Moment

I watched "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," last night, and let me just say that Paul Newman was muy caliente. And, I'm not just saying that because I love his salad dressing!

He's an asshole for 95% of the movie, but my goodness he is gorgeous!

Side note, this is the second Tennessee Williams movie I've watched in one week, and I must say that he was not shy about showcasing dysfunctional families. And, I mean, seriously dysfunctional.

Crush of the Moment

Last night I went to see Marty Scorsese's, "The Departed." It's a must see, my friends.

My crush of the moment is Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio. Gone are the days when Mr. DiCaprio looked like a skinny, pre-pubescent boy sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean because Kate Winslet couldn't make some room on the piece of wood she was floating on.

Today, Leo is a robust specimen! He's 32, 5'11", and the only faults I know of are that he's a modelizer, and a smoker. I'd learn to deal with the smoking real quick ... but I sure ain't taking up anorexia for his ass. So, I guess we wouldn't work out.

If you're interested in a few more calories, give me a call Leo.

Let's call it what it really is

Today's headline reads, "Rice Makes Surprise Visit to Iraq." Let's call it what it really is ... a "secret" trip to Iraq so that she wasn't shot down or otherwise attacked.

Please, calling it a "surprise" makes it seem like Condi woke up yesterday morning and said, "Let's go to Iraq and surprise our friends!"

In all honesty, this trip was probably planned well in advance and kept on the D.L.

Honey, it's not a "surprise" visit when you arrive in the dead of night in an unofficial jet, dressed like someone else.

Why is Hollywood doing this to me?

Recently a slew of horror prequel movies have been made with the goal of explaining the roots of the original movie.

Practically every one who knows me, knows how I feel about scary movies, especially The Exorcist, so they know I'm not happy about this new fad.

My question is this: Who the hell is losing sleep because they need to know how the dude from Chainsaw Massacre got screwed up enough to kill people? I guessing he was abused ... really, really badly. Can't we just assume that's what happened and move on with our lives?

I know I'm not waking up at night thinking, "You know, the original Exorcist, didn't scare the shit out of me enough. I really don't spend enough time in therapy talking about how it's affected my adult life and my need to sleep with the light on at all times. I think they need to make another one so I never have a good night's rest ... ever."

Yeah, that's what I need. Hollywood keep 'em coming. War and terrorism aren't scary enough, I need to know about the inner workings of the mind of a southern serial killer and how to thwart demonic possession. Thanks. By the way, Step Up sucked.

My Oprah "Break Up" Theory Rings True ... Again

Several months ago I had a theory, and I posted it on this blog (see Feb. 4, 2006 entry). Basically, my theory was that celebrity couples break up soon after they go on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Well, my theory has been proven true once again because Tony Parker and Eva Longoria have officially called it quits.

We all saw this one coming, so it shouldn't be a surprise ... Oprah's energy had something to do with it, I just know it.

In any case, Eva, seriously, when you aren't married to a man, refrain from publicly talking about marrying him, having kids with him, etc. Because when the break up occurs, you look like an ass. Especially when he isn't running around and shouting you out as THE one. And, as far as I know, Tony wasn't doing that. In fact, I don't even recall hearing him speak. I just remember him standing next to you smiling. Did he even know he was dating you?

As for my theory, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw must be doing some serious praying for their relationship, because they were on Oprah several times. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys!

Mom's Quote of the Moment

The Scene

I was in my room this morning getting ready for work, and my mother opened my bedroom door. (Yes, I still live with my parents, shut up).

Mom: What day is today?

Me: It's Friday.

Mom: Shit!

Ahhh, she has such a way with words.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Miranda: He kind of ... licked my butt.

Samantha: Be specific. Do you mean the cheeks, or...?

Miranda: It was more localized than that.

Carrie: Wait a minute. Are we ... are we talking tookus lingus?

Tyra-Tainment

Hi, I'm Tyra (aka The Unauthentic Oprah).

Y'all know that one of my favorite shows is America's Next Top Model ... don't throw stones just yet! My career is based in hardcore reality, so when I get home I love to watch nonsense, and that just what ANTM is ... nonsense. I love it!

This season is chock full 'o nonsense in the form of Tyra Banks. Every one knows that Tyra is in every episode, but she still tries to surprise the contestants by popping up places. Bitch, please, we know you are there, so do us a favor and stop popping out of closets and from under capes. I am a big fan of capes, but please, you are not David Copperfield. There ain't nothing special coming out from under that cape other than the same old tired Tyra that was here yesterday. I wish one day when she does her "surprise" visit, the contestants just stare at her and say, "Oh, hi Tyra," and go about eating their salad. Bitch would die.

As for the contestants, what is up with them having mini-strokes every time Tyra Mail appears? Ladies, it's an obscure clue regarding your next challenge, not an invite to Jesus' Second Coming extravaganza. Friggin' breathe, read the damn thing and move on.

This season the ladies are so-so, and only a few are what I would consider beautiful. And, as usual there is always a signature bitch in the group, and this season's pick is Monique. I told JohnPaul last night, if I was on the show, I would be the first chick sent home for giving another girl a busted lip. Monique walks around like every one should accommodate her ... um, no. And, then she's on the phone with her mother, I assume, and is talking about how she is a child of God and needs to be respected. Yes, schnuckums, you are a child of God, but you're not God. Now, I'm a child of God too, so that makes us sisters. As your sister, I should have to right to put a knot in your head for saying ignorant crap. Dumb ass.

Yesterday was the make-over episode, and THE Frederic Fekkai was doing their hair. These chicks had the nerve to complain! They didn't want to change too much. HELLO! You're competing to be a model ... models do just that ... stand there and don't speak. Models are blank slates that are supposed to express the vision of the artist. Shut your trap and friggin' deal with the fact that you're hair is one inch shorter and a little lighter. If you wanted to stay the same, you should have entered a pageant. Start practicing your wave, honey.

Last episode the ladies had to do a nude photoshoot, and of course there was one of those, "I'm a lady, I don't want to expose myself, boo hoo!" Have you ever watched ANTM before? Every season there is a nude photo shoot! Did you think they would change things for little old you? Hell no they ain't! They don't care about Molly Sue and her religious beliefs, so drop your drawers, show some ta-tas and smile pretty.

Damn, this show is getting me all emotional. I need a drink now.

Random Thought

In an unfortunate turn of events, football player Terrell Owens attempted suicide. I don't watch football that much, so I don't know much about Mr. Owens, but today my complaint is with headline writers.

I was introduced to this sad bit of news by a headline on MyWay.com that read, "Police Say NFL Star Owens Tried Suicide."

Okay, maybe my mind is just not capable of grasping the concept, but I thought you could either attempt or commit suicide, what's this trying business?

I realize that try is probably a synonym for attempt, but still, it doesn't sound right. You try jet skiing, you try Indian food ... and if you don't like them you don't try them any more. You don't try suicide, and say, "Wow, didn't really like that ... never gonna do that again."



On a serious note, suicide (whether attempted or committed) is difficult for everyone involved. I send out prayers to Mr. Owens and his family.

The Search is Over

Ladies, the search is over. I found a Big Hunk.

During my lunch hour today, I went to the candy store and saw a box of Big Hunks' (chewy nougat with peanuts). I said to the lady in front of me on the line, "Big Hunk? This is where he's been all this time?"

I grabbed one. Hey, I don't see Big Hunks that often, so when you see one, you take one. Plus, what makes him even more special is the fact that he's low fat! Hello! A hunk that cares about his health ... now that's hot.

Go out and get your Hunk today!

Sex and the CIty Quote of the Day

Charlotte: Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.

Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.

Lessons I've Learned

They say you learn something new everyday. So, I wanted to share some of the new tidbits of knowledge that I have learned so far this week:

#1 I bought bag of quinoa (pronounced keen-wa, whatever. It's good in salads). Any way, I learned that when you buy a bag chock full o' tiny grains, you should cut the bag open with a scissor instead of ripping the bag open like a savage animal with your bare hands. Let's just say my dog Breeze had a field day and her nose looked like the cover of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces."

#2 Finger foods and bowling do not mix. I went to a staff bowling event today, and the bowling alley provided finger foods. Yeah, um, every few minutes I have to stick my fingers in the holes of a bowling ball that have been occupied by countless strangers before me; I really don't feel like sticking my piggies in my mouth right after I gutterballed. How about we invite some utensils to the festivities? I came to bowl, not to find a reason for a Hepatitis shot. Thanks.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with NASA saying that three objects from the shuttle came off and are now floating in space, but everything is okay for a landing?

Um, no. If those pieces weren't important, why the hell did they even need to be on the shuttle at all?

Bitches are crazy. Are you telling me that now we put things on the shuttle just for decoration? "No worries America, it's just the fuzzy dice that we hung from the shuttle dashboard that fell off." Fuzzy dice my ass.

#2 What the hell is up with former NJ governor Jim McGreevey. This bitch only came out of the closet two years ago and already has a life partner! Oooooh no! He didn't even have to work that hard, his man just emerged out of the mist and now they're living in a fab mansion in Jersey. Where the hell is my life partner? I've been "out" of the hetero closet for 26 years!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.

Charlotte: What happens to it?

Samantha: Nothing; I just never go back.

Carrie: Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?

Samantha: That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.

Miranda: And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

Freudian Slip?

About 45 minutes ago I went to Sissy's house to drop off Brandi's Mary Kay purchase. Side Note: Girl, you are gonna love the
mini-microdermabrasion kit ... your skin is gonna feel like a baby's ass, trust me. Moving on ... Sis asked me to walk her to the store so she could pick up a bottle of her "crack," aka Diet Pepsi.

As we were leaving the store, Sis starts telling me about this handsome young attorney at her law firm. Well, you know me, I start asking my usual question: Is he single? I added how I love legal terms, and shared some with Sis. Such as Habeas Corpus and E Pluribus Unum. In any case, Sis chimed in and said, "Yeah, what's that other one? Cum loud?"

Um, no Sis. That would be Cum Laude and it's pronounced "Koom Loudah." But, now that I know what's on your mind, I'll bid you good night.

Off Sissy went into the night, to that charmer of a husband, who told me when I was up in her apartment that he couldn't get up to kiss me hello because he had diarrhea.

Virtual Happy Hour

Despite the fact that we are on different coasts, and different time zones, JohnPaul and I have decided to do something special in order to remain connected by the hip ... we've implemented Virtual Happy Hour.

Although we talk pretty much 5 times a day, and IM/text each other at every possible hour (JP, sorry about that 8am Eastern/5am Pacific reminder that Orlando Bloom was going to be on the Ellen Show, but I just knew you HAD to be informed), yesterday afternoon we decided that at 9:30pm Eastern/6:30pm Pacific (yes, you're going to see this time difference thingee a lot) we were both going to make a cocktail, get on the phone, and drink it together over fascinating conversation ... such as Britney & KFed naming their new kid Sutton Pierce (yeah, I know), and Whitney's (13 years late) file for divorce from the ever so classy Bobby Brown ... he's single ladies, go grab him before he's arrested again!

Side Note: I love the fact that before our "date" JP left me a message telling me what he planned to drink later that evening.

Our Virtual Happy Hour included a toast to a thriving friendship despite distance, and a simultaneous "clink" of our glasses on our cells' mouthpiece on the count of 3.

Fifteen minutes into it, I was tipsy. I didn't think so, but JP said he could here it in my voice ... whatever. JohnPaul and his incredible tolerance were going strong. And, as my night was coming to a close, his evening was just beginning.

Bottom line, if you have a friend that you can't be with, give them a call and set up a virtual date. And, if you want to include alcohol it's even more fun ... YAY!

Bottoms up!

... Another Door Opens

"A memory lasts forever.

Never does it die.

True friends stay together.

And never say goodbye."

- Anonymous

As many of you know, a part of my soul is moving to Los Angeles to follow his dream. JohnPaul has been working on moving to LA for some time, and to see his dream come to fruition fills me with such happiness, as well as a stronger belief in the power of prayer. This blog entry is dedicated to one of the loves of my life: JohnPaul Rivera.

JohnPaul, I remember the first time we met in 1996; when you snuck up on me in the laundry room. According to your version of the tale, I was bitchy. Me? NEVER! In any case, something was there, and a friendship began. We couldn't be more different, yet we are incredibly alike. We've been through ups and downs, in our own lives and with one another, and because of my friendship with you I've known unconditional love and respect.

No matter what the issue was, good or bad, I would always say (and you can ask Dineen & Sissy), "I love that man." Ten years later, I still love you.

Not only are you talented, but you're funny as hell, a great shoulder to cry on, an incredible listening ear, and a fantastic critic. Together we make critiquing/analyzing others a fine art! And, you share ... through you I have met other great friends, and I thank you for that.

Although I'm sad to see you go, I'm so proud of you and wish you only success. I will visit you even if it takes a week on Amtrak! However, if anyone can get me on a plane, it's you (and a few Xanax).

No matter where you are on this big planet, you will always be the boy next door in the "G" building that I fell in love with.

I love you JohnPaul. Have a safe trip, and call me when you get there!

Jesus, is that you?

The other day on the "Today Show," they discussed a man who says that he is Jesus. His name is Dr. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Leave it to a hispanic to say that he is the Son of God ... geez, machismo has gone way too far. Moms and Dads, take heed: this is the shit that happens when you don't hug your kids enough. Or you hug them WAY too much. It's all about moderation.

During the "Today Show," they had clips of Dr. Miranda surrounded by security guards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're Jesus, I'm pretty sure you can dodge a bullet. So, what's up with the security?

Now, I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't shout himself out as the Son of God. Yes, he had an entourage, a posse if you will, but a microphone to call attention to himself and a security detail, He did not.

Any who, on the show this guy says that there is no such thing as sin (how convenient), and that the devil is not real; he's something made up by Hollywood. Has he even read the Bible, you might ask. But of course he has! Although he doesn't believe in sin or Satan, he sure as hell (no pun intended) believes in his followers paying tithes. His followers give him shares to their companies, and much more than the 10% discussed in the Good Book!

K, the Jesus I know and love doesn't seem like the type that comes back to Earth and says, "Hey! Yeah, you know that book you've been reading since, well, since forever? Yeah, um, chuck it, because, um, My Father and I decided to change a few things, and well, it's been decided that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Oh, and Satan's not real, we were just messing with your heads, funny huh? Don't get too excited, because we added some fine print, and you're gonna have to pay us double. Thanks, you're a peach!"

Oh, and as for this guy's followers ... don't get me started ... don't even get me started.

KFed-iquette

Kevin, honey, you must have missed a fews days in "Hardcore Rap 101," because rappers do not stick their pinkies out. That's only during tea-time in England, and since we both know you're not going to hang out with Queen Elizabeth any time soon, please put the piggy down.

Thanks, you're a peach.

Breaking News

Scientists are now saying that Pluto is not a planet, according to the new criteria of what makes something a planet.

Hey, here's my question: Who gives a shit?

After this news, Pluto is gonna mean the same to me now as it did in elementary school ... nothing. It was just the 9th ball we glued to our sad solar system projects.

I don't care about other planets, unless you need to let me know that one is coming toward Earth.

But, thank you scientists for this interesting nugget of information.

Random Thought

Whenever I have McDonald's for breakfast, I always feel like a whore leaving a cheap motel after a "date" - dirty, tainted with guilt, and wondering if I remembered to put my underwear on. All that, just from a sausage biscuit!

Maybe low self-esteem is McDonald's secret ingredient. You eat their food, start to feel like crap, so you go and eat some more of their food... it's a vicious cycle!

And, I'm still not over why they have McNuggets shaped like boots.

AIM Convo of the Moment

Goody: k, the dude that wrote he;s just not that into you is getting his own talk show

CallMe: ugh

CallMe: why?

CallMe: To remind people that others are just not into them?

My Day at Camp Crystal Lake

Last Thursday the agency I work for (which shall remain nameless) had Unity Day - an all day event for the entire staff at the agency's camp upstate, so we could "reconnect" outside of the office. Let's just call it what it really was - a day off from work, where individual program staffs could reconnect with their own cliques in a grassy area with insects.

The day started off in front of the main office, where we waited for the buses to pick us up. A few co-workers and I boarded one bus, unaware that this was the designated "block party" bus. A group of older staff sat in the back of the bus with a boom box, and began playing Spanish music loudly, as they drank liquor. It was 9am. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Spanish music, but at 9am I could have gone without Marc Anthony's "Contra La Corriente." We got to the camp an hour and a half later ... thank goodness, because I think one of the block party groupies was about to start a conga line, and another one was itching to shake maracas down the bus aisle.

I got off the bus, and went to find a bathroom. There was one. The line was borderline "gub-ment" cheese, it was sad, but it gave me and some of my co-workers time to make fun of other people as they arrived. For example, the agency had us wearing matching lime green t-shirts, and some staff members decided to let their inner "Heatherette" out and redesign their shirts by cutting them up. Any who, this one staff member cut off a sleeve cuff and wore it around her head like a headband - she looked like she was about to shoot a new video for Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical." After about 30 minutes, I was able to piddle and move on to lunch.

I was enjoying my food (an array of outdoorsy goodies), when I almost barfed. A staff member from another program decided to be cute and wear a belly shirt and poom-poom shorts. Not a big deal, right? Umm, no. I gathered that this chick had children because of the layers upon layers of loose, stretch marked skin hanging over the top of her shorts. Oh, and she also had a belly button ring. FYI - if you have to lift up a flap of skin to see the belly button ring, you shouldn't have a belly button ring. Now, I know I don't have a model's physique, but I think I have the sense of what not to wear - especially to a staff event. Any who, after seeing this chick jiggle by me, I had to use the bathroom again. My co-worker and I decided to use the bathrooms that the campers have to use ... BIG MISTAKE.

The bathroom/shower cabin looked exactly like the bathroom/shower cabin in Friday the 13th Part I. The bathroom and shower stalls didn't have doors, they had curtains, and you had to move the curtain to see if any one was in there. No thanks, when I want to pee I don't feel like playing "Who's in the stall with the machete?". Oh, and the toilets didn't flush - you basically did your business in a communal bin, like a bus bathroom. Ill. My urban ass was ready to go home after that experience. But, unfortunately, we had a few more hours to kill (no pun intended) at Camp Crystal Lake.

I spent the remainder of the day hanging out with my co-workers, and witnessed belly-shirt girl play softball ... I cringe thinking about it. I also watched one of my co-workers get pissed off over a shish kabob. He was mad excited about getting a shish kabob, and the cook had quite a few on the grill. Well, once they were done, some lady from another program popped up and housed about seven kabobs. My co-worker was heated, but alas, the Kabob Caper got away without a fight.

By the time we were ready to board the bus back to NYC, I had lost my battle of trying to keep nature off of my city purse; I don't do nature. As everyone flocked to the buses, my goal was to get on the bus that didn't have the boom box. I thought I was homefree, until I heard a group of staff members cackling for the dude with the boom box to board my bus. Great, another hour of Elvis Crespo's "Suavamente!" I silently prayed for the batteries to die.

We got back to the main office, and everyone on the bus (excluding me) clapped like we were on a plane that just landed. Ugh, get me off of this bus NOW! I ran from that bus thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to intermingle with those people until next year. Next time, I'm bringing a water bottle filled with, um, "special" water. Bottoms up!

Crush of the Moment

Dane Cook


Dane is an incredibly talented, and popular comedian. He's my crush of the moment because not only is he hilarious ... he's hilarious and hot. He's tall too, so yay!

And, according to Dane's My Space account, he's single. (No, I am not one of his 3 million friends).

Visit Dane's site if you want a good laugh: www.danecook.com

Here's just a little smidgen of Dane's humor -

"No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst.. when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you know, you're like at a pool party or something... "I'm gonna go in the deep end, watch my dive. Watch my dive." Right, and then you dive in. And the second you get to the bottom you're like, "GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHERE'S THE SURFACE?!!" And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "Ohhh! Jesus Christ, Timmy! Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss!.. Your son almost killed me with his uh, Daffy Duck raft over here, John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool.. Float away from me! Float away!""

Please Stop

Dear Janet:

I don't know if you've been keeping track, but I have, and you're 40 years old. Now, I will be the first to agree that you look good. However, you need to stop dressing like you're 19.

Also, I've grown tired of seeing your ta-tas. Please put them away. They are losing their shape, and scare me.

Once you put your bitties in a safe place, inform the troll you call a boyfriend that there is a bridge that needs him to hide under it.

Thanks, you're a peach! -- Cory

It's Like Halley's Comet

The commericial for Step Up was just on, with that scrumptious Channing Tatum (that is such a pornstar name). Any who, according to the voice-over dude, a movie like this comes but once every 10 years. Apparently, because of this fact, we should run to the theaters right away.

Um, someone needs to do their research, because movies about wanna-be ruff-necks that dance and fall in love with the sweet, virgin-like chick, come out every other month. Snap out some new ideas people. It doesn't matter what the characters names are, audiences will still think the dude is Johnny Castle, and the chick is Baby/Frances Houseman.

Plus, are they playing teenaged characters? Because they are both in their late 20s. Well, Channing is my age, so, um, he's in his EARLY 20s ... yeah, that's it.

Who am I kidding? You know I will be the first one in the theater with my bucket of popcorn ... I mean, we're talking about Channing Tatum here! He's a hottie. I just hope he doesn't pull a David Beckham ... you know, looking all hot and macho, but sounding like a proper English lady.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Charlotte: Imagine, being blind and not being able to see a beautiful day like today. Can you think of anything worse?

Anthony: Stonewashed jeans and a matching jacket.

Crush of the Moment

On my way to work yesterday morning, Law & Order was filming a scene on Delancey Street. Do you know who was in that scene, my friends? None other than Mr. Big himself, Chris Noth. The 6'1", 52 year old actor was in my presence!

I would seriously commit a crime if I knew he was the cop assigned to frisk me. It wouldn't be anything serious, probably just shop lifting or something of that nature. Is that even worthy of a frisking? I don't think so ... guess I'mma have to assault someone.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: Ladies! Seamen, twelve o'clock!

Miranda: I pray when I turn around there are sailors, because with her, you never know.