What ever happened to the neighborhood video store?

I was walking on 14th street yesterday, and I passed by a few neighborhood video stores. What happened to them? It's like with the emergence of such chains as Blockbuster and Hollywood Video, all neighborhood video stores look like all they sell are hardcore porn and dildos. And please, for the love of humanity, you cannot advertise "A History of Violence, " and Jenna Jameson's new movie in the same window!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't we able to just waltz right in to our neighborhood video store several years ago? Now, we have to get buzzed in. I'm sorry, there is no reason for buzzing people in unless you are selling videos where the lead actor is Ron Jeremy. And, most of them are open 24 hours ... why? Who the hell is waking up at 3am with a hankering to go get a copy of The English Patient? No one!!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Carrie: When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...




Okay, okay, that one was a little deep, so here's another one just to lighten the mood -



Adam: Come on, give me a little BJ, up and down a couple times, you're done, it's easy!
Samantha: Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!

"What The Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with people that are younger than me calling me "kiddo"? Um, no. Listen here honey, perhaps the bleach is seeping into your cute lil' brain, but I'm older than you. Therefore, if any one is calling any one "kiddo," it would be be calling you, not vice versa. And, who the hell says "kiddo" any more?


#2 For Project Runway fans, what the hell is up with the judges not voting off Angela (or Allison, whatever the hell her names is)? She has a bad attitude, and terrible style too boot! Did you see the outfit she designed this week? It was HIDEOUS. I've seen nicer things sold at K's Fashion on Clinton Street. For goodness sake, she sewed scrunchies onto a skirt! Scrunchies!!! I'm surprised Nina Garcia from Elle didn't faint right then and there.

On another note, I put this picture of Austin Scarlett (PR Season 1) up to represent Project Runway because, well, look at this bitch! He is fierce! And, he sincerely believes he is channeling the spirit of Audrey Hepburn. He isn't even trying to hide it ... he's got gloves, pearls and a friggin' sash around his waist - plus, the lip gloss and 5 o'clock shadow give his look more panache. Geez, this dude is so far out the closet ... well, that's probably because he's hanging out in Ms. Hepburn's armoire.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

What the hell is up with "fun size" candy bars? I'm sorry, but fun-size is like the size of a mattress, not the size of my thumb. When I think of my thumb, I don't think, "Wow! How 'fun' would it be to eat a candy bar this size?"

Eh, for all I know the candy companies wanted to make their fun-sized bars much bigger, but the government said no - in a successful attempt to control how much fun Americans have. Damn them!

Debbie Does Sing-Sing?

The other day my mother was telling me about some prisoners that are suing because they want access to pornographic materials, such as magazines that show boobies, and movies (You know? The ones with awe-inspiring plot lines, and Oscar worthy performances).

My mother sounded like she was against it. I say, give it to them! But, they had better be careful what they wish for.

I mean, we all know that mens be having sex with other mens in prison ... and that's without the added arousing visual stimuli. Just think what would happen if there were copies of JUGS strewn about, and 24-hour viewings of "Forrest Hump."

Ooooo-weeeee! Bubba would have a field day come shower time! Hold on tight to your soap-on-a-rope fellas!

Andy Cooper is in the Mid-East ... Surprise, Surprise

Attention everyone, Anderson Cooper is on the move again ... he's like the arcade game "Whack-A-Mole," you never know where his little head's gonna pop up. Today, he's in the Middle East.

Not like there isn't enough going on over there, Andy, and his Prada-wearing ass, has to show up too. We get it Anderson ... something bad is happening, why else would you be there?

I love me some Andy, he's gorgeous, he's debonair, he's an heir to the Vanderbilt fortune ... whoops, did that pop out? But, it's getting to the point where every time I see him on the news, I think of the Three Amigos:

"Wherever there is injustice, you will find [him]. Wherever there is suffering, [he'll] be there. Wherever liberty is threatened,you will find" ...

Anderson Cooper!

"What the Hell" of the Moment

I have two "What the Hells" today:

1. What the hell is up with soda commercials lately? It's like 7 Up and Coke hired advertising execs that are high on LSD. I noticed 7 Up first during the commercials at a movie theater, and thought to myself, "'This' is supposed to make me want to drink soda?" They had friggin' flowers with Mick Jagger lips on them! Oh, and those two sumo wrestlers running into eachother with a skinny dude in the middle! What the hell are they thinking? Seriously, someone over there needs to lay off the "herb" if you know what I'm saying.

Then, last night at the movies, I saw a Coke commercial that was just as moronic. It had some alien world living inside a Coke machine. These companies are losing their edge, and making me want to drink only water. I mean, polar bears and animated red dots I can deal with, but alien shit, no way. Take that crap to Tommy Cruise, he loves that stuff. And, may be those flowers with lips can find his baby.

2. What the hell is up with people who come late to movies and then feel entitled enough to ask people who got to the theater early and found good seats, to move a couple of seats in ... UM HELL NO! You came late, and that isn't my problem. You want good seats? Then get your ass in the theater on time, like every body else. I know you need your Slush Puppy and Raisinets badly, but haven't you ever heard of the buddy rule - you find seats, and then send your friend goes back out into the wild to get the goodies. Ugh, because of your inconsiderate ass, I had to share an arm rest with a stranger.

Soup de Jour

I was walking my dog this afternoon, and I saw a young teenaged girl wearing a t-shirt that said, "I had a cup of BITCH soup today."

I have a few comments:

1. Boy, her parents must be proud.

2. Why a cup? Why not a bowl? - I mean, I'm guessing bitch soup isn't made often, so when you encounter it, you might want to get as much as you can, right?

3. Am I supposed to be scared of you because of what your t-shirt says? Like, "Oh my stars! This kid had bitch soup ... I'm going to walk on the other side of the street so I don't bother her." Um, I don't think so little girl. Let a real bitch give you some advice - #1 Real bitches don't need to advertise, our bitchiness evaporates off of our skin like a fine perfume. Here take a whiff. #2 Real bitches know when to be bitchy. If we're in bitch-mode all day, when we really want to make a point, our bitchiness loses its sting. So, be a bitch in moderation. #3 Your t-shirt looked like it was a size medium, which you obviously were not.

Indecent Exposure

Yesterday I went to a spa and got an hour Swedish massage and an hour facial. I had one issue:

K, please explain to me why the masseuse literally pulled my underwear off, but didn't massage my ass until like a half hour later?

Um, if you're gonna expose the area, you better be doing something to it right away. There is no reason for my ass to be exposed to the world, and cold air conditioning, if you aren't planning to knead it like a ball of dough right then and there.

Iowa Here I Come!

I caught the bouquet at my friend's wedding this past weekend, y'all! Well, snatched it, whatever, same difference. It's mine. Mine, mine, mine!

There were really only 4 single ladies at this event, and I had to be the singlest of them all. It also didn't hurt that the bride's bouquet was a huge bunch of heavy calla lilies. So, according to the laws of physics, that thing wasn't going far ... and neither was I.

I've seen too many wedding blooper videos were crazy ass women throw themselves all over the place for a bunch of flowers. Uh-uh, not this chick. If it comes my way, I'll grab it. But, if it goes in another direction, bitches can have it. Momma didn't raise no fool. Last thing I want is to be remembered as that girl who tore her pantyhose, and broke an ankle for a chance at being the next to marry. Who the hell is gonna marry that chick? That type of act has desperation written all over it.

Any who, I was basically right behind the bride, and when she tossed the bouquet, I just stuck my hand out and grabbed it. It was a very slow-mo "Trinity from The Matrix" move. I looked at another girl who tried to grab it too, and she gave me this look like, "Oh no this NYC bitch didn't!" Oh yes I did, and aren't my new flowers pretty? Step-off you country bumpkin, I need to go to the nearest travel agent and book a flight to Iowa.

On another note, I went to the wedding with JohnPaul. We borrowed my dad's minivan, and JP did the driving. I must say, JP is a very good driver. You go JP! I felt safe the entire time. Well, except when you almost mowed down everyone on the NJ Turnpike just so you could get to the nearest service center for a Cinnabon.

Crush of the Moment ... Again

I went to see Superman Returns last week, and Brandon did not disappoint. I couldn't even speak during the movie, I just grunted whenever JohnPaul asked me something.

At this point (and I'm not ashamed to admit it), I'm borderline obsessed with this man. I need to seriously visit the midwest, because they have been growing some hotties, along with corn. Both Brandon and Ashton Kutcher were born in Iowa, so something has to be up.

Maybe that was God's plan to compensate for how boring that part of the United States is. I mean, midnight cow-tipping and tractor racing gets mundane after awhile. But not some good eye-candy.

Now, let's all bow our heads and thank God for these gifts ... Amen!