Headline

During my lunch minute at work I like to visit CNN.com to get an update on the news, and because its the only website that isn't blocked by my job's computer system.

I was skimming through the headlines, and saw this one mixed in with the usual murders and political news - "100-foot deep Andes lake disappears." Uh, what?!

So, I click on the link, and this is the first sentence:

"SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) -- A five-acre glacial lake in Chile's southern Andes has disappeared -- and scientists want to know why." No shit.

Can someone explain to me how a body of water disappears and this isn't headline news? Was it on the CNN crawl? I haven't seen anything mentioned all night on the news channels.

How friggin' careless about the environment are we that nature can disappear and we just shrug it off as if Britney showed her hoo-haa again?

You know who should be the most pissed? The couple that thinks they just bought lakeside property. Come move-in day ... Where's the f--king lake!

Dear Joan

Dear Joan,

I hate to break it to you, but it's 2007, not 1985, and frosted pink lipstick is not in style any more.

I realize it worked on Knots Landing, but you've been rocking the same lipcolor for decades, and I ask that you please stop.

You are a beautiful woman, don't let the other sexpots from the 1980s get all the camera time (especially that bitch Victoria Principal! She is looking fantastic, and bringing in the dough with her skin care line).

You're fab, just follow the rule that your lips should not be the same color as your skin, and you'll be fine.

The Name Game

One of my nephews has a prom coming up, and his date's name is ... well, let's just say for her next birthday her parents should just get her a pole.

I'm sure she's a nice girl. But, what is up with parents naming their kids, especially their daughters, names that belong on the marquee at Scores?

Girls already have a bad rep, especially blondes, when it comes to intelligence. Naming your daughter Bambi isn't going to help her get taken seriously on job interviews.

I'm not leaving any one out here. There are parents that name their kids with names that are meant for grandparents. Have you ever seen a popular kindergartener named Harriet? I rest my case.

Parents, think about what you're gonna do to your unborn children. Think before you name. The only people that can carelessly name their children are celebrities, and if you're reading my blog, chances are you're not a celebrity.

Reality Shows

I love "So You Think You Can Dance." Not just because there are lots of young, sweaty man-boys writhing on stage, undulating their bodies and questioning their sexuality. Not at all. What I appreciate is the fact that the judges are relative nobodies in Hollywood that actually know what they are talking about.

I'm tired of shows like American Idol and America's Got Talent with judges that wouldn't know talent if it kicked them in the winky. Well, except for Paula, I love me some "Cold Hearted Snake." And anyone who says they didn't rock to "Straight Up," or watch the video for "Rush, Rush" over and over sits on a throne of lies. Lies I say!

The judges on "So You Think You Can Dance" are actually dancer/choreographers, so they know what's up. Except for the English dude, who is he? Is it a prerequisite to have an English guy on the judges panel?

Kyle XY

I'm sure you have seen the posters/advertisements for the show "Kyle XY." I've never watched the show, you know why? Because it takes more than a picture of a confused guy without a belly button to get me to watch a show.

A missing belly button, really? Is that supposed to pique my interest? How about a missing leg? Have you ever met Johnny One Leg? Well, I have. And, boy does he have some stories.

Crush of the Moment

Craig. Daniel Craig.

I realize that I'm 20 years late in watching "Casino Royale," the latest James Bond flick. But, I was never a 007 enthusiast. However, things change.

Daniel Craig is hot. I throughly enjoyed watching him use his big gun.

And, really, is there anything better than a man in tailored clothes? I think not.

If you're looking for a new Bond Girl, I'm right here. My name can be: Coco Nutts, or Sandy Syphillis (guess what my weapon is).

Wiggy Wiggy

What is up with movies that have amazing special effects, but the wigs that the actors wear look like shit?

I don't understand how you can make it look like the Silver Surfer is actually flying through a New York City sky, but Jessica Alba's hair looks like an ash-blonde rats nest. Jessica Alba is hot, couldn't they have done without the wiggy?

On another note, do you really expect the audience to believe that Jessica Alba's character wants to marry Mr. Fantastic? He's like 20 years older than her.

Random Thought

Why is David Hasselhoff a judge on "America's Got Talent"?

Oh, and as for this picture I found, I never in my life wanted to see puppies abused in such a way.

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with people wanting my dog to play with their dog during our morning walk?

People, it's 7am, I'm dressed for work and wearing heels! Do you not notice that my dog is an extremely energetic and nosey German Shepherd? Throw me a bone.

I apologize if I don't appear friendly and eager to allow my beast of a dog to pounce on your little dog. But, seriously, it's a work day. I realize you may have the time to frolic, but I don't. The morning walk is just for Breeze to do her business. If you want your dog to play with her, meet up with her at the dog run at around 3pm.

And, stop giving me dirty looks when I make Breeze turn the other way so as to avoid your dog. I don't want dirt on my shoes and dog hair on my clothes. It's nothing personal. Thanks.

Tragedy

Barry Gibb was on American Idol yesterday, and he was wearing a sheer black button-down shirt. Why Barry? Why? Sure you were hot in the 70's, maybe even the 80's, but there comes a time when a Has-Been-Hottie needs to face Father Time. And that, Barry, means dressing your age and cutting your damned hair. We get it, you have a good head of hair. And yes, it was cute when it blew in the wind during the Staying Alive video as you and your brothers sauntered down the streets like ruffians. But, the hair isn't cute any more. Here's an idea, you want to look younger, how about you shave off that Grizzly Adams beard you've been rocking since 1973. Just a thought. As for the clothing, I have no desire to see 60-something year old chest. And no, 60-something year old chest does not look sexy underneath sheer clothing.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned!

Take heed fellas, and realize that eventually all of your skeletons will pop out of the closet with a collective "Heeeeeeeey!" And, in the case of Dina McGreevey (estranged wife of former NJ governor, and self-proclaimed "Gay-American," Jim McGreevey), skeletons, as well as her husband, came out of the closet.



Taking the opportunity to share her side of the story, Dina appeared on Oprah this afternoon to discuss the debacle that was her marriage, and to promote her new book ("Silent Partner"), of course! No one goes on Oprah without having written a book ... FYI. I hope blogs count :o/

Oprah asked the important questions, like "Did you know he was gay?," "Were there any signs?", and "Why in the hell were you smiling during Jim's 'outing' speech?" Oprah, honey, that was no smile. That was holding back the "crazy", that's what that was.

As can be seen in the above picture, that is not the smile of a content woman. That is the smile of, "Okay motherf--ker, you want me to play 'happy' for your press conference, I will. But, when we get home I'm going to pluck out your pubes, one by one. That's right, your pubes." Can you blame the woman? Her husband basically told her that the life she knew was a sham. He's lucky to be alive!

And, now Jim's is trying to get sole custody of the couple's young daughter. Uh, what? Dude, you didn't know if you were coming or going until 3 years ago, you gotta be kidding, right? And, he's accusing Dina of being in denial. No shit! Her life was shattered, and she has to make a new one. That takes time. Plus, do you really want to point the "denial" finger, Mr. I married 2 women had 2 children, but then went to dirty rest stops on the highway to mess with men because I didn't want people to know I was gay? If Dina's in denial, at least she's in it alone. You're ass brought a load of innocent people into your Denial Extravaganza. No fair.

The Oprah interview was entertaining, but I could tell Oprah wanted to shake Dina, or something. And, I agree. You were scorned, woman! Get angry! Get even! Get everything! But, no. Dina was civilized, and that is when I realized why Jim married her. She really is the perfect political wife. This woman dated Jim for about 5 years, was never invited to Jim's parents home. And, she was never allowed to meet Jim's first daughter. What! Now that deserves a slap!

Girl, what were you thinking? You married a man who flat-out had secrets ... were you that surprised when he dropped the homo-bomb on you? It's like you had the word "Gullible" written on your forehead. Honey, he saw you coming, and I say that with love.

On another note, where were Dina's friends during the courtship? A good set of sisters, or girlfriends, would have solved this mystery a long time ago. I can see my sister Sissy now, "Girl, whatchu mean he hasn't let you see his parents house? He's got problems." Then Dineen would roll out a blueprint of his parents' home and how we were going to break in and do a little pre-marital investigation. All the while, Tonya would be saying that what we were thinking about doing is wrong and we should stop. And, then Sissy and Dineen would agree and put the blueprint away ... until Tonya left the room. Sisters are great.

Chin Fuzz

I watch Dancing with the Stars. Let me know when you stop laughing, so I can continue ... you ready?

Two "stars" on the show are rocking a similar look, and I just don't get it.

Apolo Anton Ohno and Billy Ray Cyrus have chin fuzz. Why? Do you really think that is attractive? It's not.

You look like a vagina has grown on your face. And that, my friend, is something you do not need.

You are attractive men. The only time I want to see a man with chin fuzz is when I walk into a KFC ... Colonel Sanders, anyone?

I can understand Billy wanting to appear edgy and young for the Hannah Montana Disney crowd, but what the hell is Apolo's excuse? Other than he just started growing facial hair and he's just excited (he's like 22 years old).

Oh, and Billy please put down the flat iron. It will only lead to breaky ends, achy breaky ends. (Sorry, I just had to say that).

Peer Pressure is Alive and Well

News flash ... peer pressure does not end in high school. Last Friday I was out to dinner and drinks (lots and lots of drinks) with Dineen and Erin.

Now, I'm not gonna say what it is they pressured me into. But I will say this ...

HONEY, IT DID NOT TAKE MUCH PRESSURE! Tee, hee, hee!

So what if I was 3-sheets to the wind! I had fun ... I think. Well, hell, from what I remember I had fun, and that's what counts!

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with sushi being served at baseball games?

You read it correctly. Sushi was on the menu at Shea Stadium yesterday. Hot dogs, I get. Cheese fries, make sense. Beer and soda, stadium staples. But, sushi? And I love sushi! But at a baseball game? It just doesn't seem right. Who the hell are we trying to impress?

If you don't like a NY hotdog (made from God's knows what type of meat) than you just shouldn't be at a baseball game. I'm all for being healthy, but the only people who should be worrying about their weight at a game are the players as they run the bases. I'm happy to sit my chunky ass down and eat a fatty snack and sugar-filled soda while the people I paid to see run and sweat. Thank you very much.

Et tu, Oprah!

After the horrific events that unfolded the other day at Virginia Tech, the media has done what it does best --- milk the situation for everything its worth. And, Oprah surprisingly joined the bandwagon.

Now, I agree that the public needs to know the pertinent information about what occurred. But, I do not need to see hours upon hours of the same videos, pictures, and interviews. What does that do for the public, really? It inevitably will cause the people who were there to relive it, and that doesn't help. And, it causes those who have experienced it from afar to vicariously relive it. That's not closure ... that's retraumatization.

News should be exactly what it is called ... new. So please stop showing me the same shit over and over again. Thank you.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected by this senseless act of violence.

On another note, all day today the issue of motive has been discussed. Why did he do it? I'll tell you why ... BECAUSE HE WAS CRAZY! Plan and simple.

We don't need to dress "crazy" up. "Crazy" is fine by itself. "Crazy" is an entree that doesn't require a sidedish.

There, I saved CNN a few hours.

Jeepers Cats!

My sister Tonya sent me a forward with pictures of painted cats. Here are some of the pics:

Who in the hell paints their cats?

White people, that's who.

According to the forward, it costs about $15,000 to paint your cat.

What the #$%@!

There are people who have no food to eat, and we have people painting cats - something is just wrong with that.

I could understand if your cat asked you to paint them, but look at these animals ... they do not look like they are happy with their new looks.

The purple cat looks like a Skittle that was dipped in a hazardous material.

I appreciate the patriotism in the next cat, but what is that star in the middle of his forehead? A target?

As for the final cat, where are it's ears?

Random Thought

What is in asparagus that makes your pee-pee smell so weird? There! I said it!

Don't get me wrong, I don't sniff pee. But, when you eat asparagus, it is hard to not notice the sudden change in the air. What is it? I want to know. Educate me, please.

Critic's Corner: 300

I just finished watching a bootleg copy of "300," although on the DVD itself, it read, "Trescientos." In any case, I really have no idea what happened in the movie. All I know is that I saw a whole lot of writhing, sweaty, muscular abs. And, for that, "300" gets 4 stars.

I also want to give credit to the actress who played Leonides' wife (Lena Headey) because she had a furrowed brow the entire movie. Congratulations for not using Botox so that movie-goers could actually see emotion in your face. Nicole Kidman could learn a few things from you - her face is tighter than a drum. The only emotion she can portray at this point is constipation.

Bottom line, if you're in the mood to see a group of men with hot bods, wielding swords and stabbing eachother, this is the movie for you. Enjoy!

Crush of the Moment

Henry Cavill


Ugh, I can't even say anything.

He's just beautiful ... let's leave it at that.

Oh, and he's tall, and he has a British accent, and you can see him on Showtime's "The Tudors."

I need to go to Europe, this is ridiculous.

Por Favor, No Comer en la Funeraria

As many of you may know, my fire-cracker of a grandmother, Mariana, passed away a few weeks ago. The funeral home where her arrangements were made did a good job overall, but here are some areas in which they were lacking:

1. There was no office for the "office". When you walked in there was a desk, that's it. And, behind that desk was a lady wearing her funeral-best, which included a pair of Chinatown dollar-store slippers. She wore these fashionable slippers with socks. At least do my family the decency, and not wear socks with your slippers! Lady, this a funeral home, have some respect and put on some shoes. Forgive me if I don't appreciate you welcoming guests as though you are chilling on your front porch. In addition to the footwear, since the office was out in the open, so was the sign that read "All fees must be paid on the day of funeral service." Thank you for that. There was also a sign that said to not eat in the funeral chapel. Really? Because I wanted to bust out my bag of Onion Rings and pop open a bottle of Tropical Fantasy. Are people that tacky that a sign is needed? That is sad.

2. The funeral service was to begin at 3pm. Little did we know, but my grandmother was being prepared in the Bronx, although the funeral home is in Manhattan. Was my grandmother in the chapel an hour before guests were to arrive? No. My grandmother arrived at 2:30pm, and she was brought in through the front door. Just what arriving mourners need to see. My mother and I waited in an unused chapel while Flip Flop and her lackey prepped the area. As we waited, I comforted my mother with words like, "These idiots are cutting it pretty close, aren't they?"

3. On the board in the front area, they had a sign with my grandmother's name. They spelled it incorrectly by one letter. As my mother is telling Flip Flop this tidbit of information, the woman is making excuses for the mix up. Hey, shut the hell up and take your little fingers and put an "A" where you put an "I." Are you seriously going to argue with the daughter of the deceased about a friggin' letter? I think she knows how to spell her mother's name. And mom, you need to stop ... you tried to blame the spelling mishap on dad by saying, "Mi esposo no sabe, es americano." Oh no you didn't.

4. Eventually, I had to use the bathroom in the joint. When I went down there, what did I find? The casket gallery is right next to the bathroom! What the hell! Get a door and put a sign that says DO NOT ENTER, don't have that shit all exposed to everyone who goes down there to take a leak! Needless to say, I used the buddy method every time I went down there. That's right ... Dineen and I were potty-partners.

Now, the next thing I am going to discuss happened in the limo at the cemetery. I was in the limo with Papi, Aunt Cookie, cousin Lisa, my mother and grandma's sister Elsa. As we are sitting in the car waiting to get out to sit by the grave my mother and Elsa are discussing how the grave is in a very nice area. So then my mother says, "Oh yeah, Elsa, there is a plot in there for you too." SURPRISE! What the hell kind of out-of-nowhere statement is that, mom? Why don't you just tell the woman to jump in and try it out? Gotta love my mother.

How do you even appropriately thank someone for a gift like a cemetery plot? "Gee, Liz, um, thank you for thinking of me ... dead. You're really too kind."