Crushes of the Moment

Hello all, I'm back from my vacation in Chicago, and must say it was Chi-tastic! I'll give you all the interesting details in a little bit. For now, I will give you my two new crushes of the moment.

It has been a while since I've had a crush, so enjoy!

Crush #1: John Legend

A lot of people say that he's gay, and since I think he's cute, he probably is.



Crush #2: Simon Baker

I was watching "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan and Mr. Baker. So, I got into the spirit of things and decided to try something new too. And, that is to actually consider a blonde man attractive.

My kind of town ... Chicago

This afternoon I'm heading to Chicago, Il to see one of my best friends, AJ.

I'm Amtrak-ing it, so you know what that means ... AJ, anything I say to you once I'm off the train tomorrow morning is going to sound mean and angry - please don't take it personal :o) It's only because I spent almost 20 hours sitting next to a stranger who smelled like cheese and looked "un-sundry" (remember that word from New Orleans?) I really need to get back into flying ... this is ridiculous.


I will try my best to blog while I'm away about my escapades in the Windy City!

People ... people who run the risk of losing fans!

If you haven't heard already, Barbra Streisand dropped the "F" bomb on a audience member because he didn't want to hear any more of her political banter and hatred toward Bushy at a concert during her 15th farewell tour.

I don't like Bushy either, honey, but I paid thousands of dollars to hear you sing like a good little birdy, so friggin' sing!

If I wanted to see political skits or hear political commentary, I would be watching Saturday Night Live and Meet the Press for FREE at home. So, take a sippy of water, cue the orchestra, and get to singin'!

When you start adopting babies like Brangelina and not having a titty-attack when your microphone isn't pure eggshell white, than we will really care how you think politically. Right now all you are is a talented celebrity that donates money to Democrats.

It's appreciated, and all, but for right now, let's just sing. Thanks, you're a peach.

Happy Christopher "I raped and pillaged an already discovered land" Columbus Day!

I know this is a big deal, I mean, there was an entire Sopranos episode devoted to it, but I feel wrong celebrating the discovery of America, when it was discovered long before Columbus and his syphilis-infected brethren arrived.

I definitely agree that we should celebrate Italian heritage because there were so many things that they introduced to this country, such as Madonna and tiramisu. But, I don't think we should celebrate a guy who was going the wrong way in the first place. What are we congratulating him for? Bad navigation skills?

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with genetically enhanced fruit? Last week a coworker brought in peaches the size of bowling balls, and today I got something in my fruit salad that could be one of 3 things: A genetically enhanced grape, a genetically enhanced blueberry, or a blue testicle.

I'm not even joking. I plan to carry the blue thingy home and show it to others.

Who is going around telling people that we need large fruits? We have so much food in this country, that people friggin' hang out at the grocery store, why the hell do we need big ass fruit?

Make big chocolate cupcakes, not big fruit.

Special Crush of the Moment

I watched "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," last night, and let me just say that Paul Newman was muy caliente. And, I'm not just saying that because I love his salad dressing!

He's an asshole for 95% of the movie, but my goodness he is gorgeous!

Side note, this is the second Tennessee Williams movie I've watched in one week, and I must say that he was not shy about showcasing dysfunctional families. And, I mean, seriously dysfunctional.

Crush of the Moment

Last night I went to see Marty Scorsese's, "The Departed." It's a must see, my friends.

My crush of the moment is Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio. Gone are the days when Mr. DiCaprio looked like a skinny, pre-pubescent boy sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean because Kate Winslet couldn't make some room on the piece of wood she was floating on.

Today, Leo is a robust specimen! He's 32, 5'11", and the only faults I know of are that he's a modelizer, and a smoker. I'd learn to deal with the smoking real quick ... but I sure ain't taking up anorexia for his ass. So, I guess we wouldn't work out.

If you're interested in a few more calories, give me a call Leo.

Let's call it what it really is

Today's headline reads, "Rice Makes Surprise Visit to Iraq." Let's call it what it really is ... a "secret" trip to Iraq so that she wasn't shot down or otherwise attacked.

Please, calling it a "surprise" makes it seem like Condi woke up yesterday morning and said, "Let's go to Iraq and surprise our friends!"

In all honesty, this trip was probably planned well in advance and kept on the D.L.

Honey, it's not a "surprise" visit when you arrive in the dead of night in an unofficial jet, dressed like someone else.

Why is Hollywood doing this to me?

Recently a slew of horror prequel movies have been made with the goal of explaining the roots of the original movie.

Practically every one who knows me, knows how I feel about scary movies, especially The Exorcist, so they know I'm not happy about this new fad.

My question is this: Who the hell is losing sleep because they need to know how the dude from Chainsaw Massacre got screwed up enough to kill people? I guessing he was abused ... really, really badly. Can't we just assume that's what happened and move on with our lives?

I know I'm not waking up at night thinking, "You know, the original Exorcist, didn't scare the shit out of me enough. I really don't spend enough time in therapy talking about how it's affected my adult life and my need to sleep with the light on at all times. I think they need to make another one so I never have a good night's rest ... ever."

Yeah, that's what I need. Hollywood keep 'em coming. War and terrorism aren't scary enough, I need to know about the inner workings of the mind of a southern serial killer and how to thwart demonic possession. Thanks. By the way, Step Up sucked.

My Oprah "Break Up" Theory Rings True ... Again

Several months ago I had a theory, and I posted it on this blog (see Feb. 4, 2006 entry). Basically, my theory was that celebrity couples break up soon after they go on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Well, my theory has been proven true once again because Tony Parker and Eva Longoria have officially called it quits.

We all saw this one coming, so it shouldn't be a surprise ... Oprah's energy had something to do with it, I just know it.

In any case, Eva, seriously, when you aren't married to a man, refrain from publicly talking about marrying him, having kids with him, etc. Because when the break up occurs, you look like an ass. Especially when he isn't running around and shouting you out as THE one. And, as far as I know, Tony wasn't doing that. In fact, I don't even recall hearing him speak. I just remember him standing next to you smiling. Did he even know he was dating you?

As for my theory, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw must be doing some serious praying for their relationship, because they were on Oprah several times. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys!

Mom's Quote of the Moment

The Scene

I was in my room this morning getting ready for work, and my mother opened my bedroom door. (Yes, I still live with my parents, shut up).

Mom: What day is today?

Me: It's Friday.

Mom: Shit!

Ahhh, she has such a way with words.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Miranda: He kind of ... licked my butt.

Samantha: Be specific. Do you mean the cheeks, or...?

Miranda: It was more localized than that.

Carrie: Wait a minute. Are we ... are we talking tookus lingus?

Tyra-Tainment

Hi, I'm Tyra (aka The Unauthentic Oprah).

Y'all know that one of my favorite shows is America's Next Top Model ... don't throw stones just yet! My career is based in hardcore reality, so when I get home I love to watch nonsense, and that just what ANTM is ... nonsense. I love it!

This season is chock full 'o nonsense in the form of Tyra Banks. Every one knows that Tyra is in every episode, but she still tries to surprise the contestants by popping up places. Bitch, please, we know you are there, so do us a favor and stop popping out of closets and from under capes. I am a big fan of capes, but please, you are not David Copperfield. There ain't nothing special coming out from under that cape other than the same old tired Tyra that was here yesterday. I wish one day when she does her "surprise" visit, the contestants just stare at her and say, "Oh, hi Tyra," and go about eating their salad. Bitch would die.

As for the contestants, what is up with them having mini-strokes every time Tyra Mail appears? Ladies, it's an obscure clue regarding your next challenge, not an invite to Jesus' Second Coming extravaganza. Friggin' breathe, read the damn thing and move on.

This season the ladies are so-so, and only a few are what I would consider beautiful. And, as usual there is always a signature bitch in the group, and this season's pick is Monique. I told JohnPaul last night, if I was on the show, I would be the first chick sent home for giving another girl a busted lip. Monique walks around like every one should accommodate her ... um, no. And, then she's on the phone with her mother, I assume, and is talking about how she is a child of God and needs to be respected. Yes, schnuckums, you are a child of God, but you're not God. Now, I'm a child of God too, so that makes us sisters. As your sister, I should have to right to put a knot in your head for saying ignorant crap. Dumb ass.

Yesterday was the make-over episode, and THE Frederic Fekkai was doing their hair. These chicks had the nerve to complain! They didn't want to change too much. HELLO! You're competing to be a model ... models do just that ... stand there and don't speak. Models are blank slates that are supposed to express the vision of the artist. Shut your trap and friggin' deal with the fact that you're hair is one inch shorter and a little lighter. If you wanted to stay the same, you should have entered a pageant. Start practicing your wave, honey.

Last episode the ladies had to do a nude photoshoot, and of course there was one of those, "I'm a lady, I don't want to expose myself, boo hoo!" Have you ever watched ANTM before? Every season there is a nude photo shoot! Did you think they would change things for little old you? Hell no they ain't! They don't care about Molly Sue and her religious beliefs, so drop your drawers, show some ta-tas and smile pretty.

Damn, this show is getting me all emotional. I need a drink now.

Random Thought

In an unfortunate turn of events, football player Terrell Owens attempted suicide. I don't watch football that much, so I don't know much about Mr. Owens, but today my complaint is with headline writers.

I was introduced to this sad bit of news by a headline on MyWay.com that read, "Police Say NFL Star Owens Tried Suicide."

Okay, maybe my mind is just not capable of grasping the concept, but I thought you could either attempt or commit suicide, what's this trying business?

I realize that try is probably a synonym for attempt, but still, it doesn't sound right. You try jet skiing, you try Indian food ... and if you don't like them you don't try them any more. You don't try suicide, and say, "Wow, didn't really like that ... never gonna do that again."



On a serious note, suicide (whether attempted or committed) is difficult for everyone involved. I send out prayers to Mr. Owens and his family.

The Search is Over

Ladies, the search is over. I found a Big Hunk.

During my lunch hour today, I went to the candy store and saw a box of Big Hunks' (chewy nougat with peanuts). I said to the lady in front of me on the line, "Big Hunk? This is where he's been all this time?"

I grabbed one. Hey, I don't see Big Hunks that often, so when you see one, you take one. Plus, what makes him even more special is the fact that he's low fat! Hello! A hunk that cares about his health ... now that's hot.

Go out and get your Hunk today!

Sex and the CIty Quote of the Day

Charlotte: Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.

Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.

Lessons I've Learned

They say you learn something new everyday. So, I wanted to share some of the new tidbits of knowledge that I have learned so far this week:

#1 I bought bag of quinoa (pronounced keen-wa, whatever. It's good in salads). Any way, I learned that when you buy a bag chock full o' tiny grains, you should cut the bag open with a scissor instead of ripping the bag open like a savage animal with your bare hands. Let's just say my dog Breeze had a field day and her nose looked like the cover of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces."

#2 Finger foods and bowling do not mix. I went to a staff bowling event today, and the bowling alley provided finger foods. Yeah, um, every few minutes I have to stick my fingers in the holes of a bowling ball that have been occupied by countless strangers before me; I really don't feel like sticking my piggies in my mouth right after I gutterballed. How about we invite some utensils to the festivities? I came to bowl, not to find a reason for a Hepatitis shot. Thanks.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with NASA saying that three objects from the shuttle came off and are now floating in space, but everything is okay for a landing?

Um, no. If those pieces weren't important, why the hell did they even need to be on the shuttle at all?

Bitches are crazy. Are you telling me that now we put things on the shuttle just for decoration? "No worries America, it's just the fuzzy dice that we hung from the shuttle dashboard that fell off." Fuzzy dice my ass.

#2 What the hell is up with former NJ governor Jim McGreevey. This bitch only came out of the closet two years ago and already has a life partner! Oooooh no! He didn't even have to work that hard, his man just emerged out of the mist and now they're living in a fab mansion in Jersey. Where the hell is my life partner? I've been "out" of the hetero closet for 26 years!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.

Charlotte: What happens to it?

Samantha: Nothing; I just never go back.

Carrie: Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?

Samantha: That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.

Miranda: And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

Freudian Slip?

About 45 minutes ago I went to Sissy's house to drop off Brandi's Mary Kay purchase. Side Note: Girl, you are gonna love the
mini-microdermabrasion kit ... your skin is gonna feel like a baby's ass, trust me. Moving on ... Sis asked me to walk her to the store so she could pick up a bottle of her "crack," aka Diet Pepsi.

As we were leaving the store, Sis starts telling me about this handsome young attorney at her law firm. Well, you know me, I start asking my usual question: Is he single? I added how I love legal terms, and shared some with Sis. Such as Habeas Corpus and E Pluribus Unum. In any case, Sis chimed in and said, "Yeah, what's that other one? Cum loud?"

Um, no Sis. That would be Cum Laude and it's pronounced "Koom Loudah." But, now that I know what's on your mind, I'll bid you good night.

Off Sissy went into the night, to that charmer of a husband, who told me when I was up in her apartment that he couldn't get up to kiss me hello because he had diarrhea.