Fully Recovered

Over a week ago, my best friend JohnPaul came to visit from Los Angeles. Oh, what a weekend it was! My liver hurts.

First, we all met at Benny's for dinner and drinks. It was also an opportunity to meet Raf's new "friend;" we shall call him Zeddy. Of course, any new friend is going to be analyzed by the group, that is just how it is. I was liking Zeddy, until he said that coke (and I'm not talking cola) is his weakness. Oh hell no. Chocolate is a weakness. Manolo Blahnik shoes are a weakness. Coke is an addiction, honey. And, FYI, denial is the first step, so congrats on meeting a milestone. Any way, from that point on I was trying to get Raf's attention by giving him the "death ray" stare. But, it was to no avail. In any case, a spot in my heart warmed up for Zeddy when he paid for dinner, and my drinks for the rest of the night.

Without going into too much detail about what happened later that night, suffice it to say that Raf needed to talk to someone badly in the morning. So what did he do? He texted (is that a word?) me from 5:30am until 9am about going to the beach, claiming he needed a friend. Please, he just didn't want to go to the nudie beach alone. He told me if I wanted to leave the beach as soon as we got there, then we would leave. Lies! We went to his mom's house first, and she packed enough food for us to camp on the beach for a week. I was a prisoner in Long Island!

We got to the beach, and planted ourselves next to a group of Raf's beach friends. My vagina was shy, so I didn't go nude this time. But the ta-tas were fine, so they were out and about. The waves were treacherous, and since I didn't want a repeat performance of my last nudie beach visit (stop laughing Raf), I decided to stay away from the ocean. But, no. One of Raf's friends apparently worked for the Atlantic Ocean Association and kept insisting that we go in the water. Every time we moved he was like, "Are you going in? Are you going in?" No bitch, I'm not going in! Now take your twig and berries and get the hell away from me! Luckily I got home (6 hours later) without a sunburn ... hooray for SPF 50!

Sunday afternoon it was brunch time at one of our favorite places. Truth be told, any place that keeps the liquor coming is a favorite of ours. Any way, we laughed, we drank, we talked, we drank, we cried from laughter, and we drank some more. It was fabulous. Then we left the restaurant, and went to Diana's to drink (see picture above). Speaking of that picture, Deni, why do you have your hand on my ankle? I wasn't going to go any where. Possessive much?

Alas, JP had to leave us on Monday, and after I got over my hangover, I was sad. Not sure if it was because I was sober, or because JP left NYC. Just kidding JP! You know from the message I left on your voicemail that I was missing you from the moment I left you in a drunken stupor on Diana's couch.

As is customary when JP visits, I had a wonderful time (from what I can remember). I can't wait until December! We are going to ring in the New Year like never before!!! Love you!!

Isn't It Ironic?

On my bus ride to work this morning I noticed a wall of a brick building that was spray painted with a picture of the Earth, and a message about treating the planet well.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't spray paint have a crazy amount of chemicals that harm the planet?

Of course we have to treat the Earth better, now that your spray paint put a new friggin' hole in the O-Zone. Thanks.

Trapped in the Closet

Can someone tell me why this bitch is still in the closet?

I was walking to the bus this morning and saw an advertisement for this crap. Wasn't R. Kelly in the closet when I was in high school?

R, nobody cares any more, so you can come out now. We're all still getting over the fact that you pee-peed on a 12 year old girl, do you really think we care about what's going in the closet?

Dear Criss ...

You're 40. And no matter how much "bling" you wear, and how much gel you put in your spikey hair, you're 40. Please stop making a fool of yourself.

Oh, and, getting rolled over by a steam roller is not magic. You gettting away with that tired look, now that's magic.

Smooches,

C

Crush of the Moment

John Barrowman

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have taken a liking to BBC-America programming. Well, starting in a few short weeks is a new show called "Torchwood," and John Barrowman is one of the main characters.

Now, me and John go way back, because I crushed on him when he was on the short-lived series, "Central Park West." I realize, I might be the only person that actually watched the show. In any case, I thought he was hot then, and he sure as hell is hot now.

And since I think he's hot, wouldn't you know it - he's gay. But, wait! He's not just gay. He's gay and married. Married to a man, of course. And I believe his partner is hot as well. So, go John and your hot man! I will respect your marriage, and not try to break you two up.

Side Note: Can someone do a check to find out how many of my Crushes are actually straight?

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

I did it, people! After almost a decade of travelling via Amtrak, I finally got on a plane ... not once, but twice (had to come back home, of course)!

I went to Europe, y'all. Where did I go, you ask? Ireland. I spent a marvelous week with my father and my Aunt Emily on the Emerald Isle.

Words cannot express how beautiful and magical Ireland is; and a week is just not enough time to dwell there. I've been home for almost a week and I still can't believe I went there! But, I have the pictures to prove it.

My dad and I were unsuccessful in our search for the "wee" people. In fact, most of the Irish people we encountered were taller than us. However, I do believe that "wee" people exist, and some probably live in the nose-hair of our tour guide. Seriously, his nose-hair was out there.

Not only were the people tall, but I didn't see one unattractive Irish man. They are gorgeous. Of course, that could be all the Guinness talking, but who the hell cares! After a pint we're all hot, no?

Bottom Line: Ireland is amazing, and I can't wait to visit again!

PS: I'd like to give a shout-out to the makers of Ativan and Xanax; thanks to you I didn't go "Twilight Zone Shatner Crazy" on either flight.

Separated at Birth

Captain Jack Sparrow

and

Britney Spears

[Britney's photo provided by PerezHilton.com]

Dose of Reality

Charlie Sheen (41) is engaged ... again.

The lucky lady's name is Brooke Mueller (29). And why she said "yes" is unbeknownst to me, and probably every clear-thinking person in America.

Honey, seriously, have you ever heard the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." If any dog knows about tricks, it's Charlie. And, I'm not talking about the "sit" and "fetch" kinda tricks. Well, maybe I am, I don't know what those Heidi Fleiss bitches got paid to do for him.

Any way, don't believe him when he says he was only in Heidi's "black book" because they are in the same bowling league.

Oh, and good luck with the Baby Mama Drama that is bound to come your way home girl.

No seriously, I wish you crazy kids the best of luck.

Crush of the Moment

Zac Efron

I'm not sure if crushing on Zac Efron makes me a craddle-robber or a lesbian. Dude looks purrty like a lady at times, don't 'cha think? I swear he wears blush. And check out his eyebrows! Can someone say "Anastasia?"

On another note, check out Zac's "Hairspray" co-star Queen Latifah at a recent premiere:

I thought she was P. Diddy's mother for a moment (see below).

Queen, save the wigs for the movie set. They ain't working anywhere else.

Headline

During my lunch minute at work I like to visit CNN.com to get an update on the news, and because its the only website that isn't blocked by my job's computer system.

I was skimming through the headlines, and saw this one mixed in with the usual murders and political news - "100-foot deep Andes lake disappears." Uh, what?!

So, I click on the link, and this is the first sentence:

"SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) -- A five-acre glacial lake in Chile's southern Andes has disappeared -- and scientists want to know why." No shit.

Can someone explain to me how a body of water disappears and this isn't headline news? Was it on the CNN crawl? I haven't seen anything mentioned all night on the news channels.

How friggin' careless about the environment are we that nature can disappear and we just shrug it off as if Britney showed her hoo-haa again?

You know who should be the most pissed? The couple that thinks they just bought lakeside property. Come move-in day ... Where's the f--king lake!

Dear Joan

Dear Joan,

I hate to break it to you, but it's 2007, not 1985, and frosted pink lipstick is not in style any more.

I realize it worked on Knots Landing, but you've been rocking the same lipcolor for decades, and I ask that you please stop.

You are a beautiful woman, don't let the other sexpots from the 1980s get all the camera time (especially that bitch Victoria Principal! She is looking fantastic, and bringing in the dough with her skin care line).

You're fab, just follow the rule that your lips should not be the same color as your skin, and you'll be fine.

The Name Game

One of my nephews has a prom coming up, and his date's name is ... well, let's just say for her next birthday her parents should just get her a pole.

I'm sure she's a nice girl. But, what is up with parents naming their kids, especially their daughters, names that belong on the marquee at Scores?

Girls already have a bad rep, especially blondes, when it comes to intelligence. Naming your daughter Bambi isn't going to help her get taken seriously on job interviews.

I'm not leaving any one out here. There are parents that name their kids with names that are meant for grandparents. Have you ever seen a popular kindergartener named Harriet? I rest my case.

Parents, think about what you're gonna do to your unborn children. Think before you name. The only people that can carelessly name their children are celebrities, and if you're reading my blog, chances are you're not a celebrity.

Reality Shows

I love "So You Think You Can Dance." Not just because there are lots of young, sweaty man-boys writhing on stage, undulating their bodies and questioning their sexuality. Not at all. What I appreciate is the fact that the judges are relative nobodies in Hollywood that actually know what they are talking about.

I'm tired of shows like American Idol and America's Got Talent with judges that wouldn't know talent if it kicked them in the winky. Well, except for Paula, I love me some "Cold Hearted Snake." And anyone who says they didn't rock to "Straight Up," or watch the video for "Rush, Rush" over and over sits on a throne of lies. Lies I say!

The judges on "So You Think You Can Dance" are actually dancer/choreographers, so they know what's up. Except for the English dude, who is he? Is it a prerequisite to have an English guy on the judges panel?

Kyle XY

I'm sure you have seen the posters/advertisements for the show "Kyle XY." I've never watched the show, you know why? Because it takes more than a picture of a confused guy without a belly button to get me to watch a show.

A missing belly button, really? Is that supposed to pique my interest? How about a missing leg? Have you ever met Johnny One Leg? Well, I have. And, boy does he have some stories.

Crush of the Moment

Craig. Daniel Craig.

I realize that I'm 20 years late in watching "Casino Royale," the latest James Bond flick. But, I was never a 007 enthusiast. However, things change.

Daniel Craig is hot. I throughly enjoyed watching him use his big gun.

And, really, is there anything better than a man in tailored clothes? I think not.

If you're looking for a new Bond Girl, I'm right here. My name can be: Coco Nutts, or Sandy Syphillis (guess what my weapon is).

Wiggy Wiggy

What is up with movies that have amazing special effects, but the wigs that the actors wear look like shit?

I don't understand how you can make it look like the Silver Surfer is actually flying through a New York City sky, but Jessica Alba's hair looks like an ash-blonde rats nest. Jessica Alba is hot, couldn't they have done without the wiggy?

On another note, do you really expect the audience to believe that Jessica Alba's character wants to marry Mr. Fantastic? He's like 20 years older than her.

Random Thought

Why is David Hasselhoff a judge on "America's Got Talent"?

Oh, and as for this picture I found, I never in my life wanted to see puppies abused in such a way.

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with people wanting my dog to play with their dog during our morning walk?

People, it's 7am, I'm dressed for work and wearing heels! Do you not notice that my dog is an extremely energetic and nosey German Shepherd? Throw me a bone.

I apologize if I don't appear friendly and eager to allow my beast of a dog to pounce on your little dog. But, seriously, it's a work day. I realize you may have the time to frolic, but I don't. The morning walk is just for Breeze to do her business. If you want your dog to play with her, meet up with her at the dog run at around 3pm.

And, stop giving me dirty looks when I make Breeze turn the other way so as to avoid your dog. I don't want dirt on my shoes and dog hair on my clothes. It's nothing personal. Thanks.

Tragedy

Barry Gibb was on American Idol yesterday, and he was wearing a sheer black button-down shirt. Why Barry? Why? Sure you were hot in the 70's, maybe even the 80's, but there comes a time when a Has-Been-Hottie needs to face Father Time. And that, Barry, means dressing your age and cutting your damned hair. We get it, you have a good head of hair. And yes, it was cute when it blew in the wind during the Staying Alive video as you and your brothers sauntered down the streets like ruffians. But, the hair isn't cute any more. Here's an idea, you want to look younger, how about you shave off that Grizzly Adams beard you've been rocking since 1973. Just a thought. As for the clothing, I have no desire to see 60-something year old chest. And no, 60-something year old chest does not look sexy underneath sheer clothing.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned!

Take heed fellas, and realize that eventually all of your skeletons will pop out of the closet with a collective "Heeeeeeeey!" And, in the case of Dina McGreevey (estranged wife of former NJ governor, and self-proclaimed "Gay-American," Jim McGreevey), skeletons, as well as her husband, came out of the closet.



Taking the opportunity to share her side of the story, Dina appeared on Oprah this afternoon to discuss the debacle that was her marriage, and to promote her new book ("Silent Partner"), of course! No one goes on Oprah without having written a book ... FYI. I hope blogs count :o/

Oprah asked the important questions, like "Did you know he was gay?," "Were there any signs?", and "Why in the hell were you smiling during Jim's 'outing' speech?" Oprah, honey, that was no smile. That was holding back the "crazy", that's what that was.

As can be seen in the above picture, that is not the smile of a content woman. That is the smile of, "Okay motherf--ker, you want me to play 'happy' for your press conference, I will. But, when we get home I'm going to pluck out your pubes, one by one. That's right, your pubes." Can you blame the woman? Her husband basically told her that the life she knew was a sham. He's lucky to be alive!

And, now Jim's is trying to get sole custody of the couple's young daughter. Uh, what? Dude, you didn't know if you were coming or going until 3 years ago, you gotta be kidding, right? And, he's accusing Dina of being in denial. No shit! Her life was shattered, and she has to make a new one. That takes time. Plus, do you really want to point the "denial" finger, Mr. I married 2 women had 2 children, but then went to dirty rest stops on the highway to mess with men because I didn't want people to know I was gay? If Dina's in denial, at least she's in it alone. You're ass brought a load of innocent people into your Denial Extravaganza. No fair.

The Oprah interview was entertaining, but I could tell Oprah wanted to shake Dina, or something. And, I agree. You were scorned, woman! Get angry! Get even! Get everything! But, no. Dina was civilized, and that is when I realized why Jim married her. She really is the perfect political wife. This woman dated Jim for about 5 years, was never invited to Jim's parents home. And, she was never allowed to meet Jim's first daughter. What! Now that deserves a slap!

Girl, what were you thinking? You married a man who flat-out had secrets ... were you that surprised when he dropped the homo-bomb on you? It's like you had the word "Gullible" written on your forehead. Honey, he saw you coming, and I say that with love.

On another note, where were Dina's friends during the courtship? A good set of sisters, or girlfriends, would have solved this mystery a long time ago. I can see my sister Sissy now, "Girl, whatchu mean he hasn't let you see his parents house? He's got problems." Then Dineen would roll out a blueprint of his parents' home and how we were going to break in and do a little pre-marital investigation. All the while, Tonya would be saying that what we were thinking about doing is wrong and we should stop. And, then Sissy and Dineen would agree and put the blueprint away ... until Tonya left the room. Sisters are great.