Tired

Tonight was the premiere of America's Next Top Model Season 88. Hey, when do you think the young chippies will realize that no one that ever won the competition is actually a top model? And no, those "This is my life as a CoverGirl" segments do not count!

Those are some of the cheesiest commercials! Can I get an Amen?

Now on to Jay Manuel. I think he's hot. BUT, you know what? Jay baby, the platinum hair is tired. Yes, it was cute the first time you had it, and maybe even the 2nd. But, now it isn't fun any more. Let it go. Please. How can anyone take your style critiques seriously when you are rocking a played out 'do? Exactly! So I say, you grab a chair as well when it's Frederic Fekkai makeover day on the show.

As for Jay Alexander ... I don't even know where to start. If he was any more of a mess, the Red Cross would have to send in some aid. Yes, he has great legs and can teach a mean walk. But when in the hell was he granted the ability to give constructive criticism when it comes to style? He looks like a prison tranny. And, he makes Jay Manuel look butch ... and butch with tired platinum hair is hard to pull off. Now, Ms. Alexander isn't the gayest person out there; that lovely honor is held by the imcomparable Bobby Trendy. Speaking of which, Bobby needs to come out with a lip gloss line because that bitch wears it like it is life-blood. But I digress. Alls, I'm saying is after millions of years in the fashion industry, these are the gems that Tyra came up with? See, this is what happens when you piss off Naomi.

Finally, at the start of the show Tyra attempted to be cute and perform a step routine. "Attempted" being the operative word here. She was also wearing fatigues, and spewing out lines from military movies. Why? I'll tell you why. Because she's an ass. Can someone please up her dosage?

All this bitching, but you know I'm watching the show next week :o)

Sweet Jesus! What Happened to Britney?

Exhibit A
Once upon a time there was a girl named Britney Spears, and she looked like Exhibit A.

Now she looks like Carol Channing (please see Exhibits B and C).

What the hell has happened?! If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is! I'm serious, in the bald picture Brit Brit looks like she is one stop away from Crazy-Ville. She actually makes Hannibal Lector look sane.

Where is A&E Intervention when you need them? And, where the hell is her mama? My mother, and three sisters, would have snuck up on me and beat my ass back into reality.

Then I would go home and my best friend JohnPaul would beat my ass for letting people take pictures of me looking like a damned fool.

Exhibit B (Ms. Channing with an impersonator)

For real, look like an ass all you want Britney, but don't do it in front of the papparazzi. Do you even want custody of your children in the divorce settlement? Because right now K-Fed is looking like the better parent. Ill, did I just say that? I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

And, where the hell is Jayden James? There are too many questions! It's like the mystery will never cease!

Exhibit C

Also, Britney, if you are going to shave your head, please make sure you have a nice shaped one. You're one step away from looking like Sloth from The Goonies.

Great Jobs

I want to be a weather-person.

What other career is there where you can be wrong 50% of the time, and still keep your job?

Their job is to basically guess. I can so do that!

I think it's going to snow tonight. There I did it.

Now, where's my check?

Giving Credit When It's Due

Things have been a little quiet for J. Lo and I don't think home-girl is getting any credit for some of her accomplishments:

She's been successfully married to the Ghost of Christmas Past for almost 3 years now.

Go Jennifer! I had faith in you from the beginning!

I love Marc Anthony, but you know it's not easy waking up to that face every morning. I know, I know, I'm no spring chicken either. But, have your chef give him an extra plate of chicharrones for heaven's sake! He's withering away before our very eyes.

Flur?

I was on the bus the other day on my way to work when I noticed a woman wearing a fur coat sitting on the bus as well.

What's up with that? You can afford a fur coat, but not a car to drive your ass to work? Get your priorities in check! That chinchilla did not die so you could wear his ass on the M15.

I'm not hating. Although I'm not into wearing dead, furry creatures on my body. I'm just saying, if you are spending a pretty penny on mink, have the accessories to go with it. And, a MetroCard is not a sufficient accessory.

Unless you're wearing a flur-coat! That's it isn't it! You're wearing a flur not a fur! And I bet that bag you're wearing is from CoCo-Canal. Go on girl! Go on with your faux self!

Bringing Sexy Back

I went to see "Hannibal Rising" with my sister Tonya last night, and must say that Gaspard Ulliel (the guy that plays young Hannibal Lecter) makes crazy look tres chic!

I didn't know whether I should be scared shitless, or go shopping with the guy. Seriously. He was obviously wearing designer clothes, and you don't see stylish psychotics too often.

Yes, yes, I know Hannibal is a lunatic. But, he has some good qualities. Besides having fantastic fashion sense, he has good taste in wine. I'm not too sure about his food choices, but no one's perfect. The guy is persistant as hell. I like a man with a goal. And, he's not afraid to get his hands dirty ... literally.

Only problem is, Hannibal has a problem letting go of the past. Honey, I have my own baggage, you need to drop that "my sister was eaten by war criminals" excuse at the door. It gets tired after a while. Move on, and stop trying to bite peoples faces off. Geez.

One Step for Mankind, Two Steps Back for Women

I know you've heard the news about the female astronaut that went ape-shit over a male astronaut. Girl, what the hell were you thinking?!

This chick wore adult diapers for a 900 mile drive just so she wouldn't have to stop on the way! HELLO! Now that's what I call planning.

#1 - Don't ever chase a man. The whole reason its calling chasing is because the dude is running in the other direction ... let it go girl, he don't want you.

#2 - If anyone deserves to be kidnapped and beaten, it's the man not the other woman.

#3 - Don't astronauts make good money? Why not just fly to Orlando instead of driving and sitting in your feces? See, rocket scientists really aren't that bright.