Spring Cleaning!

It's that time of year again! And, looky, looky what have we here:

How Yooooou Doin'?
Apparently, not well. Matt LeBlanc has filed for divorce from his wife, Melissa. I don't understand how you can date someone for years, but not even three years after you marry, you break up. What the hell! You could have saved your family and friends the trouble of buying a whole mess of crap from Williams Sonoma, if you would have just remained living in sin. I'm not sure who's at fault, because in California no one ever takes the blame (irreconcilable difference, anyone?), but if it's Matt, I hope Melissa takes him for all that Joey Tribbiani money.



Does Louis Vuitton Build Homes?
Because the tranny-esque Kimora Lee Simmons is gonna be out on her ass soon, and you know b*tch ain't trying to move back in with her mama. Hmm, maybe Russell will be nice enough to let her live in that closet of her's that's bigger than some countries.

I personally love when a couples' PR rep makes a statement like, "Both parties continue to respect and admire eachother ..." Blah, blah, blah. When there are millions of dollars at stake, ain't no one respecting and admiring. More like hiring a private detective to find old pics of Kimora when she was a man, so Russell can get full custody of the kiddies.

Happy hunting!

Ru-Fi-Oooooooooh!

I was just about to start watching "A History of Violence" with the scrumptious, and let's not forget talented, Mr. Viggo Mortensen, when a preview for an upcoming Antonio Banderas movie appeared on the screen.

The new Banderas movie is called "Take the Lead," and is about a man who teaches ballroom dance to a bunch of high school hooligans. No big whoop, right? I thought so too, until I saw the actor who plays one of the hooligans, and then I almost gagged. It was none other than Rufio (Dante Basco) from "Hook" with Robin Williams. Remember him? He was the kid who became the self-proclaimed leader of the Lost Boys, while Peter was off becoming a lawyer or some crap like that.

Now, I was going to let this discovery slide, but then it hit me! Um, "Hook" was made in 1991, and Rufio was like 10. So, how in the hell is this dude playing a high school problem-child 15 years later? That's right peeps, Rufio is 31 years old (seriously, he was born in 1975), and he is playing a teen-ager.

(Did Michael try to get you to
drink Jesus Juice?)

Obviously, Rufio has good genes, an amazing dermatologist, or knows where the Fountain of Youth exists (No wonder he was one of Michael's favorites ... Yep, Dante was in Michael Jackson's "MoonWalker" video-movie thingee ... I bet he has some tales to tell about Neverland [pun intended].)

On a similar note, how hard is it to find a teen-ager to play a teen-ager in a movie? Is there a shortage in Hollywood to the point where casting agents need to recruit 31 year olds to act 16? Because, I know a few grown ass men that do a really good impression of a teen-ager. Maybe they need to be shipped out to LA.

"No, no, its okay ... you look just like baby inside."

Goody: [TrueL] is getting his ass waxed as we speak
D993: lmao
D993: why?
Goody: hes done it before. hes going to LA this week
D993: didnt he tell u that he wasnt gonna be here for ur birthday?
Goody: yeah
D993: so why u yellin at him
Goody: huh? who said i was yelling at him
D993: o i thought u were upset with him
Goody: where did you read that?
Goody: i said he was getting his ass waxed, and hes going to la
D993: "Goody: jp is getting his ass waxed as we speak"
D993: i didnt know literally
Goody: no ass
D993: haha
D993: well what the hell
Goody: seriously, hot wax is being poured in his crack
D993: lmao
D993: ahahahahahah
Goody: i was all confused
D993: me too

Follow Up: TrueL called me after the waxing and said it hurt like crazy. He said he broke into a sweat and had tears in his eyes. But, the nice Russian lady tried to comfort him by saying, "No, no, it's okay ... you look just like baby inside."

Tyrone Biggums Sighting

Last week my mother landed herself in the hospital because of a stiff shoulder. Of course, a trip to the emergency room is never without some fun (especially when three out of four of my mom's daughters are in the same room). After hanging out in a private area in the emergency unit, mom was taken by a nurse to the x-ray room across the way. Dineen, Sissy and I followed, of course. Mom was planted outside the x-ray room, where she had to wait until she was called. Sis and I were against one wall, and Dineen and mom were against the other. While waiting, this man, who had a strange resemblance to Tyrone Biggums (Chappelle Show) emerged from one of the rooms. Tyrone had his head buried into a greasy Quiznos sandwich. He must have enjoyed it, because he was moaning, groaning and licking his lips as he devoured it. He had mayo all over his mouth. Sis was just getting over the stomach flu, and was about to hurl, until Tyrone starting talking to me. "Mmmmmm, this is so good!," he said. "I'm glad you're enjoying it," was my response as I scurried to Dineen's side of the hallway. Meanwhile, Dineen is moving away like she doesn't know me. Tyrone inched forward, and continued to compliment his food item with words and grunts. Then, while looking at my chest, Tyrone said, "You're pretty." I responded nicely, while Sissy was searching her Coach bag for a blunt object to beat his ass. Eventually, Tyrone was escorted to another room; that's when Dineen started to say that he was my soulmate. Ha ha ha, very funny. Well, it turns out that Tyrone returned to our area of the emergency unit shortly after, and I heard him telling someone else they were pretty. Bastard! I thought we had something real.


Crush of the Moment


My crush of the moment is Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central (Mon. - Thurs. @ 11:30pm). Say what you will, I think he is handsome and funny as hell. Watch the show!!

Shark Attack

On last night's episode of "The Apprentice," the winning team was rewarded with a trip to an aquarium and a chance to swim with sharks.

What the hell kind of prize is that?

I used to think Trump's lunch/dinner rewards were stupid, but swimming with sharks takes the cake. Trump should fire himself for approving that one.

Fly me off to Maralago for lunch and golf, reward me with diamonds ... But, a trip to an aquarium? No thanks. I did that in kindergarten - it didn't impress me then, and it sure as hell won't impress me now.

Crush of the Moment

Boris Kodjoe

This weekend I saw "Madea's Family Reunion," and Mr. Kodjoe played one of the main characters; a sensitive and caring bus driver named .... who the hell cares!

This man is beautiful, and is probably the only man who can get away with a name like Boris. I know he was born in Germany, and Boris is probably a typical name, but still, it doesn't exactly flow like honey.

Ladies, Boris is married to his co-star from Soul Food (ShowTime Series). But, for the moment, he's mine.


Hmmm, it looks like Boris is thinking something naughty. Good, we have something in common, 'cause my thoughts aren't exactly of the purest nature right now.

Ashes to Ashes

Goody: k
True L: ?
Goody: so diceys [my dog who recently passed away] ashes are supposedly being delivered today by the mail-person
True L: awww
Goody: soooo, our mail person delivers a package a little bit ago
Goody: and its a lil heavy, so im like, this is it! im going to open it
Goody: i opened it .... (drum roll please)
Goody: its the cigarettes my parents order [over the internet]
True L: no way!
Goody: lol
Goody: yep
Goody: but, there is a package at the post office that my dad has to pick up, so that might be dicey
True L: most prob that one
True L: I would assume ashes need to be signed for etc..
Goody: who knows, alls im saying is i was about to cry over some benson & hedges/misty lights 120s

Crush of the Day

K, my crush of the day is Paul Rudd (star of such movies as "Clueless", "The Object of My Affection" and "The 40-year-old Virgin").

I first fell for Paulie when I saw him in "The Object of My Affection" (one of AJ's favs). I don't know if I fell for his piercing blue eyes, his gorgeous hair, or the fact that he played a gay character ... because we all know how I feel about gays (I love 'em, and I just can't get enough of 'em!).

Look at him though - isn't he dreamy? Unfortunately, I can't look at his chest hair because I can just hear my mom making some crass comment about how she loves men with chest hair, and probably wouldn't kick Paulie out of the sack. Ugh, I hate when I give myself visuals! And I refuse to let one taint my image of Paulie!

Although he's married, eat your hearts out ladies, for today I declare myself Mrs. Rudd!

Well, Hello There Little Golden Man

The 78th Annual Academy Awards were on this past weekend, and oh, what a celebration it was! Chock full o' trannies, pimps and intolerance (all beautifully expressed through interpretive dance, of course!). I loved it! Only in Hollywood can important social issues be made into miniature slow motion dance recitals, yay! Any who, let's get to the goods, shall we? I found myself thinking many important thingees while watching the ceremony... here we go:

1. I noticed that quite a few people who had no reason being at the Oscars, were indeed there. Such as, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. Now, I give Marc credit - he can act. No one plays a more convincing skinny Latino high school ruffneck better than him (I think the Oscar trophy weighs more than he does). But, ain't no reason for him to be taking up two seats with his wife at the Oscars. Hmm, who else? Jennifer Garner. I love her, but she's a tv star ... why is she there? I doubt "13 Going On 30" brought Academy members down on their knees in praise. If I marry a lawyer, that doesn't automatically make me one too. So, Jenny G, just 'cause you married an Oscar winner, don't mean you have one! On a side note, did you see when Jenny G slid on her way to the mic? That ain't right. How much you want to bet JLo did some brujeria on her ass? Latinas hold grudges, I wouldn't put it past her.

2. A whole section needs to be devoted to this -- Russell Crowe's damned curl. Ain't no reason a man over 2 feet tall should have a curl on his forehead. And, Russell, don't act like you woke up and it just happened that way! That curl took time and effort. That curl had spritz and gel on it. Fire your stylist, and brush your hair back, ugh. Side note: Did you see John Travolta's hair-tastrophe? Alls I'm saying is this - ch, ch, ch, Chia! It hurts to say that, because I love my Danny Zuko.

3. The technical achievement Oscars - um, we already know that particular ceremony took place about 3 weeks ago, so do us a HUGE favor and please stop trying to fool us into thinking that Rachel McAdams is talking to Jon Stewart in real-time. Idiots.

4. During the short technical awards portion of the show, I flipped through the channels, and on the Family Channel they were showing "Cruel Intentions." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't that movie promote like absolutely no family values?

5. Congrats to Reese. She wasn't my first pic for Best Actress, but she did a good job none the less. I just hope she can hold on to Ryan and Oscar simultaneously. If not, girl, I got your back .... oh, sorry, I meant I got your husband, whoops. (Apparently, I'm not above home-wrecking.)

6. Valentino-Gate - Here's the scandal: Valentino did a press release a day before the awards stating that approx. 3 female starlets would be wearing his designs. But, none of them did! Oh, it's on now! Valentino's gonna cut a b*tch (or just dress them in polyesther without telling them!).

Anyone Care for a Salty Nut?

I realize this is childish, but bear with me. I just finished lunch at work, and had a craving for something sweet. I grabbed my wallet (you need it nowadays because nothing is less than $5 in the vending machines), and headed to the office machine.

I was happy to see that it was fully stocked today; it's typically empty, with a row of DoubleMint gum, and a lone bag of SunChips. As I perused the selection, I decided to go with a 3 Musketeers bar, because I've seen the latest commercial and I felt like eating something that is so light, it floats. I mean, why eat a Snickers? That jammy goes straight to your ass. But, a 3 Musketeers is different ... it does tricks before it lands on your gut.

Any who, before I left the vending machine, I noticed a new product: Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut granola bars - emphasis on the "sweet and salty nut" part. I'm not going to comment too much ... just wanted to say kudos to the packaging designer for thinking this one up.