Fire Down Below!

It's here! It's here!

The 2007 FDNY Calendar of Heroes has arrived for our viewing pleasure, as well as to help us plan our days for the next year ... my goodness the fire mens are so helpful!

I've seen the pictures, and I am pleased. However, there are some months where I'm like, "Hey there buddy, put your shirt back on!"

For the most part, the calendar has succeeded in its goal - To make women call in the fire department for no good reason except to see some mens.

I don't know about you, but I'm seriously questioning my ability to light a match. I just might need the fire mens this weekend to show me how to do it correctly so I don't set my apartment on fire.

Thank you six packs, I mean fire mens, for all your hard work. Go Fort Pitt!!

Pet Peeves

Hey, Dineen, you know what annoys me? When people have 8 friggin' methods of contact, and never answer any calls.

You know that piece of plastic that fits nicely on your ear? Well, when it makes a noise, pick it up!

What the Hell of the Moment

Although I hate it, I wore panty hose today.

As I removed the hosiery from the box, I noticed the size chart on the side - It goes from A to B, then B to Q. What?! Where the hell is C thru P?

I realize many women need a size larger than B, but Q? That's a stretch (no pun intended).

I assume the Q stands for Queen.

No doubt every woman wants to be a queen ... but no one wants to be called friggin' queen-sized. That shit should only be used when discussing mattresses.

This had to be a man's doing. Yeah, a man with an A sized pee-pee.

Insolence?

Hey Guerlain, how about giving your latest perfume a name that doesn't require a trip to the dictionary.

Insolence? It doesn't even sound pretty. It rhymes with impotence for goodness sake! I did my research and the definition of insolence is: Contemptuously rude or impertinent behavior or speech. What?! The friggin' definition needs a definition!

A perfume is supposed to have a simple pretty name, like Beautiful, or Lovely. What the hell do you plan on calling your next fragrance? Revulsion? How about Noxious? No, no Putrid ... that's a keeper.

Plus, you have Hilary Swank as the spokes model. I love Hil, but she isn't really well-known for being the most attractive of actors. So, you have 2 strikes against you. The only positive is that the bottle is nice. For your sake, I hope it smells good.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

What is so unclear about: a) Lights off, b) I'm under the covers, c) My eyes are closed, and d) I'm snoring?

Obviously I'm sleeping. Why do you continue to insist on having a conversation with me at midnight using your "day-time" voice?

And it's never a simple conversation, like "Cory, did you feed the dog?" It's always something like, "Cory, what do you think about the president's recent visit to Iraq? Do you think it was a good idea for scientists to demote Pluto from a planet to a star? What are you're thoughts about Martin Scorcese? Do you think he's been screwed out of an Oscar for political reasons?"

I DON'T KNOW MOM! I'M SLEEPING!

Why don't you try having these conversations with me in the morning between your marathon viewings of Cold Case and HBO Autopsy. Geez.

Oh, and I notice you have a cold with a cough. How about taking a break from sucking down your nicotine sticks? I kinda have a feeling that they might make the cough worse.

Love, Cory

When Animals Act Like Animals

Recently a lot of hullabaloo has occurred because Shamu went ape-shit on a trainer at Sea World.

Now, news channels are devoting loads of time to this issue, and showing a lot of footage of animals attacking people. Then they interview experts, and ask questions like, "Why did the animals attack?, What caused the animal to act in such a way?" Um, I don't know. Maybe it's because they're fucking wild animals!

Why are people surprised when animals do what comes natural to them? I don't care how many hoops Shamu can jump through, they don't call them Killer Whales for nothing.

Shamu has been doing this dog & pony show for years, bitch was probably fed-up with something and went "diva" on their asses. She was like, "Um, what kind of fish is this? Flounder! Oh no you didn't just feed me flounder! I told you I only eat salmon! I'll show you how to treat the star of your show!" Of course I know Shamu can't speak English, so it probably sounded more like this, "Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The same thing happened with Siegfried and Roy and the tiger attack a few years back. People were all shocked when the tiger went crazy during a show. Why? It's a tiger, not Morris the Cat. You can feed a tiger caviar, and have him living in the lap of luxury - it still doesn't take away from the fact that by nature, if Fluffy is hungry and mistakes your sequin-costume wearing ass for a snack, you're going down. Meow!

Here are some words of wisdom: 1) Stop trying to domesticate wild animals, no one wants to hang out with you and your pet lion. Thanks, but I like my limbs. 2) Wild animals were not meant to jump through hoops, etc., to entertain people. If you're not interesting enough to entertain a crowd on your own, don't train an animal to do your work for you. That's just sad. 3) Don't have a titty attack every time an animal fights back. How would you like it if someone starved you, and then whipped your ass until you jumped in the air and performed a flip that by nature you were not meant to do? I know I'd bite someone. Hell, even now, if I'm hungry and tired, you better keep away.