Mom's Quote of the Moment

The Scene

I was in my room this morning getting ready for work, and my mother opened my bedroom door. (Yes, I still live with my parents, shut up).

Mom: What day is today?

Me: It's Friday.

Mom: Shit!

Ahhh, she has such a way with words.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Miranda: He kind of ... licked my butt.

Samantha: Be specific. Do you mean the cheeks, or...?

Miranda: It was more localized than that.

Carrie: Wait a minute. Are we ... are we talking tookus lingus?

Tyra-Tainment

Hi, I'm Tyra (aka The Unauthentic Oprah).

Y'all know that one of my favorite shows is America's Next Top Model ... don't throw stones just yet! My career is based in hardcore reality, so when I get home I love to watch nonsense, and that just what ANTM is ... nonsense. I love it!

This season is chock full 'o nonsense in the form of Tyra Banks. Every one knows that Tyra is in every episode, but she still tries to surprise the contestants by popping up places. Bitch, please, we know you are there, so do us a favor and stop popping out of closets and from under capes. I am a big fan of capes, but please, you are not David Copperfield. There ain't nothing special coming out from under that cape other than the same old tired Tyra that was here yesterday. I wish one day when she does her "surprise" visit, the contestants just stare at her and say, "Oh, hi Tyra," and go about eating their salad. Bitch would die.

As for the contestants, what is up with them having mini-strokes every time Tyra Mail appears? Ladies, it's an obscure clue regarding your next challenge, not an invite to Jesus' Second Coming extravaganza. Friggin' breathe, read the damn thing and move on.

This season the ladies are so-so, and only a few are what I would consider beautiful. And, as usual there is always a signature bitch in the group, and this season's pick is Monique. I told JohnPaul last night, if I was on the show, I would be the first chick sent home for giving another girl a busted lip. Monique walks around like every one should accommodate her ... um, no. And, then she's on the phone with her mother, I assume, and is talking about how she is a child of God and needs to be respected. Yes, schnuckums, you are a child of God, but you're not God. Now, I'm a child of God too, so that makes us sisters. As your sister, I should have to right to put a knot in your head for saying ignorant crap. Dumb ass.

Yesterday was the make-over episode, and THE Frederic Fekkai was doing their hair. These chicks had the nerve to complain! They didn't want to change too much. HELLO! You're competing to be a model ... models do just that ... stand there and don't speak. Models are blank slates that are supposed to express the vision of the artist. Shut your trap and friggin' deal with the fact that you're hair is one inch shorter and a little lighter. If you wanted to stay the same, you should have entered a pageant. Start practicing your wave, honey.

Last episode the ladies had to do a nude photoshoot, and of course there was one of those, "I'm a lady, I don't want to expose myself, boo hoo!" Have you ever watched ANTM before? Every season there is a nude photo shoot! Did you think they would change things for little old you? Hell no they ain't! They don't care about Molly Sue and her religious beliefs, so drop your drawers, show some ta-tas and smile pretty.

Damn, this show is getting me all emotional. I need a drink now.

Random Thought

In an unfortunate turn of events, football player Terrell Owens attempted suicide. I don't watch football that much, so I don't know much about Mr. Owens, but today my complaint is with headline writers.

I was introduced to this sad bit of news by a headline on MyWay.com that read, "Police Say NFL Star Owens Tried Suicide."

Okay, maybe my mind is just not capable of grasping the concept, but I thought you could either attempt or commit suicide, what's this trying business?

I realize that try is probably a synonym for attempt, but still, it doesn't sound right. You try jet skiing, you try Indian food ... and if you don't like them you don't try them any more. You don't try suicide, and say, "Wow, didn't really like that ... never gonna do that again."



On a serious note, suicide (whether attempted or committed) is difficult for everyone involved. I send out prayers to Mr. Owens and his family.

The Search is Over

Ladies, the search is over. I found a Big Hunk.

During my lunch hour today, I went to the candy store and saw a box of Big Hunks' (chewy nougat with peanuts). I said to the lady in front of me on the line, "Big Hunk? This is where he's been all this time?"

I grabbed one. Hey, I don't see Big Hunks that often, so when you see one, you take one. Plus, what makes him even more special is the fact that he's low fat! Hello! A hunk that cares about his health ... now that's hot.

Go out and get your Hunk today!

Sex and the CIty Quote of the Day

Charlotte: Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.

Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.

Lessons I've Learned

They say you learn something new everyday. So, I wanted to share some of the new tidbits of knowledge that I have learned so far this week:

#1 I bought bag of quinoa (pronounced keen-wa, whatever. It's good in salads). Any way, I learned that when you buy a bag chock full o' tiny grains, you should cut the bag open with a scissor instead of ripping the bag open like a savage animal with your bare hands. Let's just say my dog Breeze had a field day and her nose looked like the cover of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces."

#2 Finger foods and bowling do not mix. I went to a staff bowling event today, and the bowling alley provided finger foods. Yeah, um, every few minutes I have to stick my fingers in the holes of a bowling ball that have been occupied by countless strangers before me; I really don't feel like sticking my piggies in my mouth right after I gutterballed. How about we invite some utensils to the festivities? I came to bowl, not to find a reason for a Hepatitis shot. Thanks.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with NASA saying that three objects from the shuttle came off and are now floating in space, but everything is okay for a landing?

Um, no. If those pieces weren't important, why the hell did they even need to be on the shuttle at all?

Bitches are crazy. Are you telling me that now we put things on the shuttle just for decoration? "No worries America, it's just the fuzzy dice that we hung from the shuttle dashboard that fell off." Fuzzy dice my ass.

#2 What the hell is up with former NJ governor Jim McGreevey. This bitch only came out of the closet two years ago and already has a life partner! Oooooh no! He didn't even have to work that hard, his man just emerged out of the mist and now they're living in a fab mansion in Jersey. Where the hell is my life partner? I've been "out" of the hetero closet for 26 years!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.

Charlotte: What happens to it?

Samantha: Nothing; I just never go back.

Carrie: Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?

Samantha: That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.

Miranda: And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

Freudian Slip?

About 45 minutes ago I went to Sissy's house to drop off Brandi's Mary Kay purchase. Side Note: Girl, you are gonna love the
mini-microdermabrasion kit ... your skin is gonna feel like a baby's ass, trust me. Moving on ... Sis asked me to walk her to the store so she could pick up a bottle of her "crack," aka Diet Pepsi.

As we were leaving the store, Sis starts telling me about this handsome young attorney at her law firm. Well, you know me, I start asking my usual question: Is he single? I added how I love legal terms, and shared some with Sis. Such as Habeas Corpus and E Pluribus Unum. In any case, Sis chimed in and said, "Yeah, what's that other one? Cum loud?"

Um, no Sis. That would be Cum Laude and it's pronounced "Koom Loudah." But, now that I know what's on your mind, I'll bid you good night.

Off Sissy went into the night, to that charmer of a husband, who told me when I was up in her apartment that he couldn't get up to kiss me hello because he had diarrhea.

Virtual Happy Hour

Despite the fact that we are on different coasts, and different time zones, JohnPaul and I have decided to do something special in order to remain connected by the hip ... we've implemented Virtual Happy Hour.

Although we talk pretty much 5 times a day, and IM/text each other at every possible hour (JP, sorry about that 8am Eastern/5am Pacific reminder that Orlando Bloom was going to be on the Ellen Show, but I just knew you HAD to be informed), yesterday afternoon we decided that at 9:30pm Eastern/6:30pm Pacific (yes, you're going to see this time difference thingee a lot) we were both going to make a cocktail, get on the phone, and drink it together over fascinating conversation ... such as Britney & KFed naming their new kid Sutton Pierce (yeah, I know), and Whitney's (13 years late) file for divorce from the ever so classy Bobby Brown ... he's single ladies, go grab him before he's arrested again!

Side Note: I love the fact that before our "date" JP left me a message telling me what he planned to drink later that evening.

Our Virtual Happy Hour included a toast to a thriving friendship despite distance, and a simultaneous "clink" of our glasses on our cells' mouthpiece on the count of 3.

Fifteen minutes into it, I was tipsy. I didn't think so, but JP said he could here it in my voice ... whatever. JohnPaul and his incredible tolerance were going strong. And, as my night was coming to a close, his evening was just beginning.

Bottom line, if you have a friend that you can't be with, give them a call and set up a virtual date. And, if you want to include alcohol it's even more fun ... YAY!

Bottoms up!

... Another Door Opens

"A memory lasts forever.

Never does it die.

True friends stay together.

And never say goodbye."

- Anonymous

As many of you know, a part of my soul is moving to Los Angeles to follow his dream. JohnPaul has been working on moving to LA for some time, and to see his dream come to fruition fills me with such happiness, as well as a stronger belief in the power of prayer. This blog entry is dedicated to one of the loves of my life: JohnPaul Rivera.

JohnPaul, I remember the first time we met in 1996; when you snuck up on me in the laundry room. According to your version of the tale, I was bitchy. Me? NEVER! In any case, something was there, and a friendship began. We couldn't be more different, yet we are incredibly alike. We've been through ups and downs, in our own lives and with one another, and because of my friendship with you I've known unconditional love and respect.

No matter what the issue was, good or bad, I would always say (and you can ask Dineen & Sissy), "I love that man." Ten years later, I still love you.

Not only are you talented, but you're funny as hell, a great shoulder to cry on, an incredible listening ear, and a fantastic critic. Together we make critiquing/analyzing others a fine art! And, you share ... through you I have met other great friends, and I thank you for that.

Although I'm sad to see you go, I'm so proud of you and wish you only success. I will visit you even if it takes a week on Amtrak! However, if anyone can get me on a plane, it's you (and a few Xanax).

No matter where you are on this big planet, you will always be the boy next door in the "G" building that I fell in love with.

I love you JohnPaul. Have a safe trip, and call me when you get there!