What was I thinking?

Everything scares me, so I was quite surprised with myself when I decided to watch the new A & E show, Paranormal State (PS). PS is a reality show involving this group of Penn State students who started an organization that investigates paranormal activity. I was under the impression that PS would be similar to Vh1's Celebrity Paranormal Project or Mtv's Fear. I was wrong.

The premiere episode was about a family that moved to a new house and now their young son sees dead people. So, they called the students to conduct an investigation. Oh. Hell. No.

When a little kid wakes up in the middle of the night and stands in your doorway, waiting for you to wake up, that is unsettling. Being told by your son at breakfast that he couldn't sleep the night because some dead kid was tapping at his window ... that is f--king CRAZY! You don't investigate crazy. You pack your shit up and you leave. Then you hug your son, and tell him not to speak of this again.

In the second episode, a newly single mother and her son moved to a new house (I sense a pattern), and they believe it is haunted. Really? You think the house is haunted? You mean, the friggin' cemetary in your backyard didn't tip you off?

You know what was really messed up - after they bought the house, the previous owner give the mother a copy of an article stating that a family of 6 was brutally murdered in the home years ago. Ooooh snap! And, guess where they're buried ... no, seriously guess ... I'll give you a second ... la la la la ... IN THE BACKYARD!

How badly do you want to be a home owner, that you buy a house with the family still in it?

Needless to say, I had a problem sleeping that night. And, I do plan to watch the show next week. Call me a masochist.

Happy Holidays!

It's that time of year again. Cold weather, greedy children, and disappointment. Ahhhh, I love Christmas.

This year I plan to have all my shopping done before the big day. Instead of what I usually do, which is tell everyone I celebrate 3 Kings Day (January 6th), just so I can benefit from the after-Christmas sales.

Speaking of the 3 Kings, do you think the other two were pissed when the 3rd one said he bought gold for the baby messiah? I mean, the other guys brought frankincense and myrrh. I'm sure one of them was like, "Dude! We said there was a $20 limit. What the hell!"

Dear Public Transportation Rider

Dear Public Transportation Rider,

I support and encourage change. I really do. But for the love of all humanity, why must you decide that rush hour, on mass transit, is the best time to change your cell phone ringtone?

I realize choosing between the Halloween-Michael Meyers theme song, and Ode to Joy is a difficult decision. But 100 hundred strap-hangers, in a crowded NYC train/bus, don't want to be with you when you make your choice. Turn your cell phone off and read Metro or AM. I don't want to hear your cell!

Plus, does it matter what the ringtone is? Your cell won't ring in the subway ... ass.

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with people sending forwards via text message?

Hey! I don't even want forwards when they are free and sent to my email address. What the hell makes you think I want to pay 5 cents for one on my cell phone?

Please stop.

If you truly feel that I am an angel sent from heaven/one of your best friends/whatever the hell else the forward says, just call me and tell me.

To the Moon and Back

In 1969 astronauts supposedly landed on the moon.

Well then, riddle me this: why haven't we gone back there to visit?

Hey, if the landing really happened, then it shouldn't be a problem to go back. Especially now with 21st century technology.

Someone oughtta go back and check to see if the American flag is still a-waving.

Plus, why do we have a space station floating in space, when the moon has some prime, and available, real estate?

What the Hell of the Moment

What the hell is up with smokers on the move; Those people that walk and smoke at the same time.

I'm not one of those people that walks up to smokers and tells them to quit; unless your names are Fred and Liz. If you want to die a horrible death with the added bonus of bad skin and teeth, that is on you. Puff away, my friend. Alls I'm saying is, stay in one frigging spot while you smoke.

My mother has a tendency of making her rounds through the apartment with a lit cigarette. All the damned smoke makes it look like she's in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. Mom, stay in one room. No one wants the scent of Eau de Nicotine in the house. My mother's poetic response would be, "Shut the f--k up Cory."

The outdoors isn't any better either.

Hey smoker in front of me! Yeah, you. I know this might surprise you, but when you go outside there is something called wind. And, you see, wind is funny, because it takes things like the smoke from your cancer-stick, and moves it around so that other people who aren't smoking have to breathe in the poisonous air that just spewed forth from your yellow-teeth infested pie-hole. So, pick a damned corner, turn your face away from the general public, and smoke your cigarette in peace. Thank you.

The Wonderful World of Disney

Walt Disney World needs to stop making up shit to celebrate. Every year it's a a new celebration.

Millions of people visit Disney World/Land every year. It's a wonderland of joy and happiness. Apparently if you win the Super Bowl you get the sudden urge to go there. We get it.

You don't need to sell it any more. How many f--king celebrations are there? The next thing you know we're going to be celebrating Mickey's first colonoscopy and Minnie's first PAP.

What the Hell of the Moment

The picture to your left is Chanel's Inimitable (i-nim-i-tuh-buhl) mascara.

What the hell is up with a friggin' 5 syllable word to describe mascara?

It's mascara ... a liquid that makes eye lashes fat and long. It's not that serious. It does not require an SAT level word to describe it.

Not only is the mascara unaffordable, but thanks to the marketing geniuses at Chanel it's unpronounceable.

Mtv Video Music Awards

Last night the Mtv Video Music Awards aired, and I'm not even going to get into the travesty known as Britney Spears. Y'all saw it. I'm embarrassed for her. And, sadly I think we need to start "Countdown to 'Full-Blown' Meltdown" on this heifer.

What I am going to discuss is the apparent spat between crackies Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Like a classic episode of Jerry Springer, two pieces of trash fought over a chick. The prize in this fight being Pamela Anderson. According to tabloids, Kid Rock slapped Tommy Lee on the face during the awards ceremony. Tommy complains that security got to him before he could defend himself ... yeah, okay.

Now, I've seen the Tommy and Pamela sex tape, and I really don't see the appeal these men feel for her. Sure she has a nice body and face (scratch that), she has a nice body. But bitch didn't do anything by lay there like a human pin cushion. I don't think she should get fought over for being a star-fish.

Does Pamela win in this situation? You give me the choice between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and I'm going to choose what's behind Door #3; whatever the hell that is.

Who am I kidding! I'm taking Tommy ... if you've seen the sex tape you'll know why. Momma didn't raise no fool.

Gimme More

I don't know who this bitch is in this picture, but they say it's Britney, so I'm posting it.

In case you haven't heard, Britney released a new single called, "Gimme More." And, I'll be the first to say that I like it. There, I said it.

Sure she's fucked up in the cabeza, and doesn't take care of her kids, but bitch can put out a good dance song. It's no "Toxic," but I'll take it.

As for Britney's ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake ... gimme less. Did y'all watch his HBO concert? It wasn't bad, but he ain't no Madonna. I'm not sure he can carry a concert on his own. Justin, I understand that you want to be portrayed as a mature gentleman. That's why you are always wearing a suit and tie. But, please, we want to see skin. Take it off! If I wanted to see a white man in a suit, I'd have lunch on Wall Street. Oh, and when you curse it's weird. You used to be in N'Sync, it just doesn't seem right.

Fully Recovered

Over a week ago, my best friend JohnPaul came to visit from Los Angeles. Oh, what a weekend it was! My liver hurts.

First, we all met at Benny's for dinner and drinks. It was also an opportunity to meet Raf's new "friend;" we shall call him Zeddy. Of course, any new friend is going to be analyzed by the group, that is just how it is. I was liking Zeddy, until he said that coke (and I'm not talking cola) is his weakness. Oh hell no. Chocolate is a weakness. Manolo Blahnik shoes are a weakness. Coke is an addiction, honey. And, FYI, denial is the first step, so congrats on meeting a milestone. Any way, from that point on I was trying to get Raf's attention by giving him the "death ray" stare. But, it was to no avail. In any case, a spot in my heart warmed up for Zeddy when he paid for dinner, and my drinks for the rest of the night.

Without going into too much detail about what happened later that night, suffice it to say that Raf needed to talk to someone badly in the morning. So what did he do? He texted (is that a word?) me from 5:30am until 9am about going to the beach, claiming he needed a friend. Please, he just didn't want to go to the nudie beach alone. He told me if I wanted to leave the beach as soon as we got there, then we would leave. Lies! We went to his mom's house first, and she packed enough food for us to camp on the beach for a week. I was a prisoner in Long Island!

We got to the beach, and planted ourselves next to a group of Raf's beach friends. My vagina was shy, so I didn't go nude this time. But the ta-tas were fine, so they were out and about. The waves were treacherous, and since I didn't want a repeat performance of my last nudie beach visit (stop laughing Raf), I decided to stay away from the ocean. But, no. One of Raf's friends apparently worked for the Atlantic Ocean Association and kept insisting that we go in the water. Every time we moved he was like, "Are you going in? Are you going in?" No bitch, I'm not going in! Now take your twig and berries and get the hell away from me! Luckily I got home (6 hours later) without a sunburn ... hooray for SPF 50!

Sunday afternoon it was brunch time at one of our favorite places. Truth be told, any place that keeps the liquor coming is a favorite of ours. Any way, we laughed, we drank, we talked, we drank, we cried from laughter, and we drank some more. It was fabulous. Then we left the restaurant, and went to Diana's to drink (see picture above). Speaking of that picture, Deni, why do you have your hand on my ankle? I wasn't going to go any where. Possessive much?

Alas, JP had to leave us on Monday, and after I got over my hangover, I was sad. Not sure if it was because I was sober, or because JP left NYC. Just kidding JP! You know from the message I left on your voicemail that I was missing you from the moment I left you in a drunken stupor on Diana's couch.

As is customary when JP visits, I had a wonderful time (from what I can remember). I can't wait until December! We are going to ring in the New Year like never before!!! Love you!!

Isn't It Ironic?

On my bus ride to work this morning I noticed a wall of a brick building that was spray painted with a picture of the Earth, and a message about treating the planet well.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't spray paint have a crazy amount of chemicals that harm the planet?

Of course we have to treat the Earth better, now that your spray paint put a new friggin' hole in the O-Zone. Thanks.

Trapped in the Closet

Can someone tell me why this bitch is still in the closet?

I was walking to the bus this morning and saw an advertisement for this crap. Wasn't R. Kelly in the closet when I was in high school?

R, nobody cares any more, so you can come out now. We're all still getting over the fact that you pee-peed on a 12 year old girl, do you really think we care about what's going in the closet?

Dear Criss ...

You're 40. And no matter how much "bling" you wear, and how much gel you put in your spikey hair, you're 40. Please stop making a fool of yourself.

Oh, and, getting rolled over by a steam roller is not magic. You gettting away with that tired look, now that's magic.

Smooches,

C

Crush of the Moment

John Barrowman

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have taken a liking to BBC-America programming. Well, starting in a few short weeks is a new show called "Torchwood," and John Barrowman is one of the main characters.

Now, me and John go way back, because I crushed on him when he was on the short-lived series, "Central Park West." I realize, I might be the only person that actually watched the show. In any case, I thought he was hot then, and he sure as hell is hot now.

And since I think he's hot, wouldn't you know it - he's gay. But, wait! He's not just gay. He's gay and married. Married to a man, of course. And I believe his partner is hot as well. So, go John and your hot man! I will respect your marriage, and not try to break you two up.

Side Note: Can someone do a check to find out how many of my Crushes are actually straight?

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

I did it, people! After almost a decade of travelling via Amtrak, I finally got on a plane ... not once, but twice (had to come back home, of course)!

I went to Europe, y'all. Where did I go, you ask? Ireland. I spent a marvelous week with my father and my Aunt Emily on the Emerald Isle.

Words cannot express how beautiful and magical Ireland is; and a week is just not enough time to dwell there. I've been home for almost a week and I still can't believe I went there! But, I have the pictures to prove it.

My dad and I were unsuccessful in our search for the "wee" people. In fact, most of the Irish people we encountered were taller than us. However, I do believe that "wee" people exist, and some probably live in the nose-hair of our tour guide. Seriously, his nose-hair was out there.

Not only were the people tall, but I didn't see one unattractive Irish man. They are gorgeous. Of course, that could be all the Guinness talking, but who the hell cares! After a pint we're all hot, no?

Bottom Line: Ireland is amazing, and I can't wait to visit again!

PS: I'd like to give a shout-out to the makers of Ativan and Xanax; thanks to you I didn't go "Twilight Zone Shatner Crazy" on either flight.

Separated at Birth

Captain Jack Sparrow

and

Britney Spears

[Britney's photo provided by PerezHilton.com]

Dose of Reality

Charlie Sheen (41) is engaged ... again.

The lucky lady's name is Brooke Mueller (29). And why she said "yes" is unbeknownst to me, and probably every clear-thinking person in America.

Honey, seriously, have you ever heard the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." If any dog knows about tricks, it's Charlie. And, I'm not talking about the "sit" and "fetch" kinda tricks. Well, maybe I am, I don't know what those Heidi Fleiss bitches got paid to do for him.

Any way, don't believe him when he says he was only in Heidi's "black book" because they are in the same bowling league.

Oh, and good luck with the Baby Mama Drama that is bound to come your way home girl.

No seriously, I wish you crazy kids the best of luck.

Crush of the Moment

Zac Efron

I'm not sure if crushing on Zac Efron makes me a craddle-robber or a lesbian. Dude looks purrty like a lady at times, don't 'cha think? I swear he wears blush. And check out his eyebrows! Can someone say "Anastasia?"

On another note, check out Zac's "Hairspray" co-star Queen Latifah at a recent premiere:

I thought she was P. Diddy's mother for a moment (see below).

Queen, save the wigs for the movie set. They ain't working anywhere else.

Headline

During my lunch minute at work I like to visit CNN.com to get an update on the news, and because its the only website that isn't blocked by my job's computer system.

I was skimming through the headlines, and saw this one mixed in with the usual murders and political news - "100-foot deep Andes lake disappears." Uh, what?!

So, I click on the link, and this is the first sentence:

"SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) -- A five-acre glacial lake in Chile's southern Andes has disappeared -- and scientists want to know why." No shit.

Can someone explain to me how a body of water disappears and this isn't headline news? Was it on the CNN crawl? I haven't seen anything mentioned all night on the news channels.

How friggin' careless about the environment are we that nature can disappear and we just shrug it off as if Britney showed her hoo-haa again?

You know who should be the most pissed? The couple that thinks they just bought lakeside property. Come move-in day ... Where's the f--king lake!