Mom's Quote of the Moment

The Scene

I was in my room this morning getting ready for work, and my mother opened my bedroom door. (Yes, I still live with my parents, shut up).

Mom: What day is today?

Me: It's Friday.

Mom: Shit!

Ahhh, she has such a way with words.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Miranda: He kind of ... licked my butt.

Samantha: Be specific. Do you mean the cheeks, or...?

Miranda: It was more localized than that.

Carrie: Wait a minute. Are we ... are we talking tookus lingus?

Tyra-Tainment

Hi, I'm Tyra (aka The Unauthentic Oprah).

Y'all know that one of my favorite shows is America's Next Top Model ... don't throw stones just yet! My career is based in hardcore reality, so when I get home I love to watch nonsense, and that just what ANTM is ... nonsense. I love it!

This season is chock full 'o nonsense in the form of Tyra Banks. Every one knows that Tyra is in every episode, but she still tries to surprise the contestants by popping up places. Bitch, please, we know you are there, so do us a favor and stop popping out of closets and from under capes. I am a big fan of capes, but please, you are not David Copperfield. There ain't nothing special coming out from under that cape other than the same old tired Tyra that was here yesterday. I wish one day when she does her "surprise" visit, the contestants just stare at her and say, "Oh, hi Tyra," and go about eating their salad. Bitch would die.

As for the contestants, what is up with them having mini-strokes every time Tyra Mail appears? Ladies, it's an obscure clue regarding your next challenge, not an invite to Jesus' Second Coming extravaganza. Friggin' breathe, read the damn thing and move on.

This season the ladies are so-so, and only a few are what I would consider beautiful. And, as usual there is always a signature bitch in the group, and this season's pick is Monique. I told JohnPaul last night, if I was on the show, I would be the first chick sent home for giving another girl a busted lip. Monique walks around like every one should accommodate her ... um, no. And, then she's on the phone with her mother, I assume, and is talking about how she is a child of God and needs to be respected. Yes, schnuckums, you are a child of God, but you're not God. Now, I'm a child of God too, so that makes us sisters. As your sister, I should have to right to put a knot in your head for saying ignorant crap. Dumb ass.

Yesterday was the make-over episode, and THE Frederic Fekkai was doing their hair. These chicks had the nerve to complain! They didn't want to change too much. HELLO! You're competing to be a model ... models do just that ... stand there and don't speak. Models are blank slates that are supposed to express the vision of the artist. Shut your trap and friggin' deal with the fact that you're hair is one inch shorter and a little lighter. If you wanted to stay the same, you should have entered a pageant. Start practicing your wave, honey.

Last episode the ladies had to do a nude photoshoot, and of course there was one of those, "I'm a lady, I don't want to expose myself, boo hoo!" Have you ever watched ANTM before? Every season there is a nude photo shoot! Did you think they would change things for little old you? Hell no they ain't! They don't care about Molly Sue and her religious beliefs, so drop your drawers, show some ta-tas and smile pretty.

Damn, this show is getting me all emotional. I need a drink now.

Random Thought

In an unfortunate turn of events, football player Terrell Owens attempted suicide. I don't watch football that much, so I don't know much about Mr. Owens, but today my complaint is with headline writers.

I was introduced to this sad bit of news by a headline on MyWay.com that read, "Police Say NFL Star Owens Tried Suicide."

Okay, maybe my mind is just not capable of grasping the concept, but I thought you could either attempt or commit suicide, what's this trying business?

I realize that try is probably a synonym for attempt, but still, it doesn't sound right. You try jet skiing, you try Indian food ... and if you don't like them you don't try them any more. You don't try suicide, and say, "Wow, didn't really like that ... never gonna do that again."



On a serious note, suicide (whether attempted or committed) is difficult for everyone involved. I send out prayers to Mr. Owens and his family.

The Search is Over

Ladies, the search is over. I found a Big Hunk.

During my lunch hour today, I went to the candy store and saw a box of Big Hunks' (chewy nougat with peanuts). I said to the lady in front of me on the line, "Big Hunk? This is where he's been all this time?"

I grabbed one. Hey, I don't see Big Hunks that often, so when you see one, you take one. Plus, what makes him even more special is the fact that he's low fat! Hello! A hunk that cares about his health ... now that's hot.

Go out and get your Hunk today!

Sex and the CIty Quote of the Day

Charlotte: Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.

Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.

Lessons I've Learned

They say you learn something new everyday. So, I wanted to share some of the new tidbits of knowledge that I have learned so far this week:

#1 I bought bag of quinoa (pronounced keen-wa, whatever. It's good in salads). Any way, I learned that when you buy a bag chock full o' tiny grains, you should cut the bag open with a scissor instead of ripping the bag open like a savage animal with your bare hands. Let's just say my dog Breeze had a field day and her nose looked like the cover of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces."

#2 Finger foods and bowling do not mix. I went to a staff bowling event today, and the bowling alley provided finger foods. Yeah, um, every few minutes I have to stick my fingers in the holes of a bowling ball that have been occupied by countless strangers before me; I really don't feel like sticking my piggies in my mouth right after I gutterballed. How about we invite some utensils to the festivities? I came to bowl, not to find a reason for a Hepatitis shot. Thanks.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

#1 What the hell is up with NASA saying that three objects from the shuttle came off and are now floating in space, but everything is okay for a landing?

Um, no. If those pieces weren't important, why the hell did they even need to be on the shuttle at all?

Bitches are crazy. Are you telling me that now we put things on the shuttle just for decoration? "No worries America, it's just the fuzzy dice that we hung from the shuttle dashboard that fell off." Fuzzy dice my ass.

#2 What the hell is up with former NJ governor Jim McGreevey. This bitch only came out of the closet two years ago and already has a life partner! Oooooh no! He didn't even have to work that hard, his man just emerged out of the mist and now they're living in a fab mansion in Jersey. Where the hell is my life partner? I've been "out" of the hetero closet for 26 years!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.

Charlotte: What happens to it?

Samantha: Nothing; I just never go back.

Carrie: Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?

Samantha: That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.

Miranda: And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

Freudian Slip?

About 45 minutes ago I went to Sissy's house to drop off Brandi's Mary Kay purchase. Side Note: Girl, you are gonna love the
mini-microdermabrasion kit ... your skin is gonna feel like a baby's ass, trust me. Moving on ... Sis asked me to walk her to the store so she could pick up a bottle of her "crack," aka Diet Pepsi.

As we were leaving the store, Sis starts telling me about this handsome young attorney at her law firm. Well, you know me, I start asking my usual question: Is he single? I added how I love legal terms, and shared some with Sis. Such as Habeas Corpus and E Pluribus Unum. In any case, Sis chimed in and said, "Yeah, what's that other one? Cum loud?"

Um, no Sis. That would be Cum Laude and it's pronounced "Koom Loudah." But, now that I know what's on your mind, I'll bid you good night.

Off Sissy went into the night, to that charmer of a husband, who told me when I was up in her apartment that he couldn't get up to kiss me hello because he had diarrhea.

Virtual Happy Hour

Despite the fact that we are on different coasts, and different time zones, JohnPaul and I have decided to do something special in order to remain connected by the hip ... we've implemented Virtual Happy Hour.

Although we talk pretty much 5 times a day, and IM/text each other at every possible hour (JP, sorry about that 8am Eastern/5am Pacific reminder that Orlando Bloom was going to be on the Ellen Show, but I just knew you HAD to be informed), yesterday afternoon we decided that at 9:30pm Eastern/6:30pm Pacific (yes, you're going to see this time difference thingee a lot) we were both going to make a cocktail, get on the phone, and drink it together over fascinating conversation ... such as Britney & KFed naming their new kid Sutton Pierce (yeah, I know), and Whitney's (13 years late) file for divorce from the ever so classy Bobby Brown ... he's single ladies, go grab him before he's arrested again!

Side Note: I love the fact that before our "date" JP left me a message telling me what he planned to drink later that evening.

Our Virtual Happy Hour included a toast to a thriving friendship despite distance, and a simultaneous "clink" of our glasses on our cells' mouthpiece on the count of 3.

Fifteen minutes into it, I was tipsy. I didn't think so, but JP said he could here it in my voice ... whatever. JohnPaul and his incredible tolerance were going strong. And, as my night was coming to a close, his evening was just beginning.

Bottom line, if you have a friend that you can't be with, give them a call and set up a virtual date. And, if you want to include alcohol it's even more fun ... YAY!

Bottoms up!

... Another Door Opens

"A memory lasts forever.

Never does it die.

True friends stay together.

And never say goodbye."

- Anonymous

As many of you know, a part of my soul is moving to Los Angeles to follow his dream. JohnPaul has been working on moving to LA for some time, and to see his dream come to fruition fills me with such happiness, as well as a stronger belief in the power of prayer. This blog entry is dedicated to one of the loves of my life: JohnPaul Rivera.

JohnPaul, I remember the first time we met in 1996; when you snuck up on me in the laundry room. According to your version of the tale, I was bitchy. Me? NEVER! In any case, something was there, and a friendship began. We couldn't be more different, yet we are incredibly alike. We've been through ups and downs, in our own lives and with one another, and because of my friendship with you I've known unconditional love and respect.

No matter what the issue was, good or bad, I would always say (and you can ask Dineen & Sissy), "I love that man." Ten years later, I still love you.

Not only are you talented, but you're funny as hell, a great shoulder to cry on, an incredible listening ear, and a fantastic critic. Together we make critiquing/analyzing others a fine art! And, you share ... through you I have met other great friends, and I thank you for that.

Although I'm sad to see you go, I'm so proud of you and wish you only success. I will visit you even if it takes a week on Amtrak! However, if anyone can get me on a plane, it's you (and a few Xanax).

No matter where you are on this big planet, you will always be the boy next door in the "G" building that I fell in love with.

I love you JohnPaul. Have a safe trip, and call me when you get there!

Jesus, is that you?

The other day on the "Today Show," they discussed a man who says that he is Jesus. His name is Dr. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Leave it to a hispanic to say that he is the Son of God ... geez, machismo has gone way too far. Moms and Dads, take heed: this is the shit that happens when you don't hug your kids enough. Or you hug them WAY too much. It's all about moderation.

During the "Today Show," they had clips of Dr. Miranda surrounded by security guards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're Jesus, I'm pretty sure you can dodge a bullet. So, what's up with the security?

Now, I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't shout himself out as the Son of God. Yes, he had an entourage, a posse if you will, but a microphone to call attention to himself and a security detail, He did not.

Any who, on the show this guy says that there is no such thing as sin (how convenient), and that the devil is not real; he's something made up by Hollywood. Has he even read the Bible, you might ask. But of course he has! Although he doesn't believe in sin or Satan, he sure as hell (no pun intended) believes in his followers paying tithes. His followers give him shares to their companies, and much more than the 10% discussed in the Good Book!

K, the Jesus I know and love doesn't seem like the type that comes back to Earth and says, "Hey! Yeah, you know that book you've been reading since, well, since forever? Yeah, um, chuck it, because, um, My Father and I decided to change a few things, and well, it's been decided that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Oh, and Satan's not real, we were just messing with your heads, funny huh? Don't get too excited, because we added some fine print, and you're gonna have to pay us double. Thanks, you're a peach!"

Oh, and as for this guy's followers ... don't get me started ... don't even get me started.

KFed-iquette

Kevin, honey, you must have missed a fews days in "Hardcore Rap 101," because rappers do not stick their pinkies out. That's only during tea-time in England, and since we both know you're not going to hang out with Queen Elizabeth any time soon, please put the piggy down.

Thanks, you're a peach.

Breaking News

Scientists are now saying that Pluto is not a planet, according to the new criteria of what makes something a planet.

Hey, here's my question: Who gives a shit?

After this news, Pluto is gonna mean the same to me now as it did in elementary school ... nothing. It was just the 9th ball we glued to our sad solar system projects.

I don't care about other planets, unless you need to let me know that one is coming toward Earth.

But, thank you scientists for this interesting nugget of information.

Random Thought

Whenever I have McDonald's for breakfast, I always feel like a whore leaving a cheap motel after a "date" - dirty, tainted with guilt, and wondering if I remembered to put my underwear on. All that, just from a sausage biscuit!

Maybe low self-esteem is McDonald's secret ingredient. You eat their food, start to feel like crap, so you go and eat some more of their food... it's a vicious cycle!

And, I'm still not over why they have McNuggets shaped like boots.

AIM Convo of the Moment

Goody: k, the dude that wrote he;s just not that into you is getting his own talk show

CallMe: ugh

CallMe: why?

CallMe: To remind people that others are just not into them?

My Day at Camp Crystal Lake

Last Thursday the agency I work for (which shall remain nameless) had Unity Day - an all day event for the entire staff at the agency's camp upstate, so we could "reconnect" outside of the office. Let's just call it what it really was - a day off from work, where individual program staffs could reconnect with their own cliques in a grassy area with insects.

The day started off in front of the main office, where we waited for the buses to pick us up. A few co-workers and I boarded one bus, unaware that this was the designated "block party" bus. A group of older staff sat in the back of the bus with a boom box, and began playing Spanish music loudly, as they drank liquor. It was 9am. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Spanish music, but at 9am I could have gone without Marc Anthony's "Contra La Corriente." We got to the camp an hour and a half later ... thank goodness, because I think one of the block party groupies was about to start a conga line, and another one was itching to shake maracas down the bus aisle.

I got off the bus, and went to find a bathroom. There was one. The line was borderline "gub-ment" cheese, it was sad, but it gave me and some of my co-workers time to make fun of other people as they arrived. For example, the agency had us wearing matching lime green t-shirts, and some staff members decided to let their inner "Heatherette" out and redesign their shirts by cutting them up. Any who, this one staff member cut off a sleeve cuff and wore it around her head like a headband - she looked like she was about to shoot a new video for Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical." After about 30 minutes, I was able to piddle and move on to lunch.

I was enjoying my food (an array of outdoorsy goodies), when I almost barfed. A staff member from another program decided to be cute and wear a belly shirt and poom-poom shorts. Not a big deal, right? Umm, no. I gathered that this chick had children because of the layers upon layers of loose, stretch marked skin hanging over the top of her shorts. Oh, and she also had a belly button ring. FYI - if you have to lift up a flap of skin to see the belly button ring, you shouldn't have a belly button ring. Now, I know I don't have a model's physique, but I think I have the sense of what not to wear - especially to a staff event. Any who, after seeing this chick jiggle by me, I had to use the bathroom again. My co-worker and I decided to use the bathrooms that the campers have to use ... BIG MISTAKE.

The bathroom/shower cabin looked exactly like the bathroom/shower cabin in Friday the 13th Part I. The bathroom and shower stalls didn't have doors, they had curtains, and you had to move the curtain to see if any one was in there. No thanks, when I want to pee I don't feel like playing "Who's in the stall with the machete?". Oh, and the toilets didn't flush - you basically did your business in a communal bin, like a bus bathroom. Ill. My urban ass was ready to go home after that experience. But, unfortunately, we had a few more hours to kill (no pun intended) at Camp Crystal Lake.

I spent the remainder of the day hanging out with my co-workers, and witnessed belly-shirt girl play softball ... I cringe thinking about it. I also watched one of my co-workers get pissed off over a shish kabob. He was mad excited about getting a shish kabob, and the cook had quite a few on the grill. Well, once they were done, some lady from another program popped up and housed about seven kabobs. My co-worker was heated, but alas, the Kabob Caper got away without a fight.

By the time we were ready to board the bus back to NYC, I had lost my battle of trying to keep nature off of my city purse; I don't do nature. As everyone flocked to the buses, my goal was to get on the bus that didn't have the boom box. I thought I was homefree, until I heard a group of staff members cackling for the dude with the boom box to board my bus. Great, another hour of Elvis Crespo's "Suavamente!" I silently prayed for the batteries to die.

We got back to the main office, and everyone on the bus (excluding me) clapped like we were on a plane that just landed. Ugh, get me off of this bus NOW! I ran from that bus thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to intermingle with those people until next year. Next time, I'm bringing a water bottle filled with, um, "special" water. Bottoms up!

Crush of the Moment

Dane Cook


Dane is an incredibly talented, and popular comedian. He's my crush of the moment because not only is he hilarious ... he's hilarious and hot. He's tall too, so yay!

And, according to Dane's My Space account, he's single. (No, I am not one of his 3 million friends).

Visit Dane's site if you want a good laugh: www.danecook.com

Here's just a little smidgen of Dane's humor -

"No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst.. when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you know, you're like at a pool party or something... "I'm gonna go in the deep end, watch my dive. Watch my dive." Right, and then you dive in. And the second you get to the bottom you're like, "GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHERE'S THE SURFACE?!!" And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "Ohhh! Jesus Christ, Timmy! Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss!.. Your son almost killed me with his uh, Daffy Duck raft over here, John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool.. Float away from me! Float away!""

Please Stop

Dear Janet:

I don't know if you've been keeping track, but I have, and you're 40 years old. Now, I will be the first to agree that you look good. However, you need to stop dressing like you're 19.

Also, I've grown tired of seeing your ta-tas. Please put them away. They are losing their shape, and scare me.

Once you put your bitties in a safe place, inform the troll you call a boyfriend that there is a bridge that needs him to hide under it.

Thanks, you're a peach! -- Cory