Corrine's Corner

Smells Fishy

2008-01-05T11:51:00.000-05:00

A new cream has been created, and is now available over-the-counter, that skillfully removes and prevents Male Genital Odor (MGO).

I can appreciate the concept, really I can. But, there is a reason we have a sense of smell ... it's for protection. If things smell nice, yay, we gravitate toward it. If things smell bad, we stay the hell away, because it might hurt us. If your naughty bits smell horrendous, you don't need a odor removing cream, you need to get your ass to the doctor and get your pinga examined. Don't trick me with penis-perfume. That isn't right.

And, the same thing goes for the ladies, fellas. Despite what you've heard, Va-Jay-Jay is not supposed to smell like fish. If it does, tell your lady-friend to make a trip to the gyno. I'm not saying that there's a disease a-brewin', but it's work a check up.

Fragrances designed for the genital area are unnatural. No ones Whoo-Haa smells like roses. But, if you're a friend of a terrific invention called soap, all should be well.

Enough Already!

2008-01-05T11:32:00.000-05:00

I am so through with has-been models claiming that they were the first supermodel!

Now, Janice Dickinson (t0 the left) has always claimed she was the first, and I'm not going to dispute that because bitch is crazy, and I'm not trying to get on her bad side. But, I must dispute Carol Alt's claim.

I was watching The Celebrity Apprentice which premiered earlier this week, and Ms. Alt was introduced as the first supermodel. Um, no. Please stop.

Yes, you're beautiful. Yes, you were a big hit in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Yes, you're a health guru promoting the raw food movement, and all that jazz. But, that does not a supermodel make.

Carol, you must meet one (or more) of the following criteria to be considered a supermodel: 1. You slept with half the men in Hollywood, and weren't sure which one fathered your child (and mentioned it in your no-holds-barred tell-all book), 2. You were consistently cast in all George Michael videos in the 1990s, 3. You've been arrested for pelting your cellphone at your assistant, 4. Have a perfectly placed facial mole.

Which leads me to the question, why is Niki Taylor hosting a show on becoming a supermodel? She was on the cover of Seventeen millions of times and was a CoverGirl ... I don't recall Armani, Jean Paul Gautier or Versace begging her to model on their runways. I'm confused.

Happy 2008!

2008-01-02T19:54:00.000-05:00

Pammy, do you really expect me to believe that Chanel created the atrocity that you're wearing? Because it looks like you just glued that "Chanel" patch onto a large tank top. I've seen better counterfeit patch work on bootleg bags being sold on CoCo Canal Street. And from the look on your face, I don't think you like the outfit either.

Oh, and it's been over a decade, we all know you have big ta-tas. The gimmick is getting old (as are you), so please do us all a favor and cover those bitches up.

Happy new year everyone! Wishing you a safe, happy and healthy year!

Now, I have lots to write about (JohnPaul was here for almost 2 weeks, so you can imagine the debauchery that occurred), but I want to discuss it with my therapist before I expose it all to you guys. Stay tuned!

What was I thinking?

2007-12-13T20:49:00.000-05:00

Everything scares me, so I was quite surprised with myself when I decided to watch the new A & E show, Paranormal State (PS). PS is a reality show involving this group of Penn State students who started an organization that investigates paranormal activity. I was under the impression that PS would be similar to Vh1's Celebrity Paranormal Project or Mtv's Fear. I was wrong.

The premiere episode was about a family that moved to a new house and now their young son sees dead people. So, they called the students to conduct an investigation. Oh. Hell. No.

When a little kid wakes up in the middle of the night and stands in your doorway, waiting for you to wake up, that is unsettling. Being told by your son at breakfast that he couldn't sleep the night because some dead kid was tapping at his window ... that is f--king CRAZY! You don't investigate crazy. You pack your shit up and you leave. Then you hug your son, and tell him not to speak of this again.

In the second episode, a newly single mother and her son moved to a new house (I sense a pattern), and they believe it is haunted. Really? You think the house is haunted? You mean, the friggin' cemetary in your backyard didn't tip you off?

You know what was really messed up - after they bought the house, the previous owner give the mother a copy of an article stating that a family of 6 was brutally murdered in the home years ago. Ooooh snap! And, guess where they're buried ... no, seriously guess ... I'll give you a second ... la la la la ... IN THE BACKYARD!

How badly do you want to be a home owner, that you buy a house with the family still in it?

Needless to say, I had a problem sleeping that night. And, I do plan to watch the show next week. Call me a masochist.

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-13T20:26:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. Cold weather, greedy children, and disappointment. Ahhhh, I love Christmas.

This year I plan to have all my shopping done before the big day. Instead of what I usually do, which is tell everyone I celebrate 3 Kings Day (January 6th), just so I can benefit from the after-Christmas sales.

Speaking of the 3 Kings, do you think the other two were pissed when the 3rd one said he bought gold for the baby messiah? I mean, the other guys brought frankincense and myrrh. I'm sure one of them was like, "Dude! We said there was a $20 limit. What the hell!"

Dear Public Transportation Rider

2007-11-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Public Transportation Rider,

I support and encourage change. I really do. But for the love of all humanity, why must you decide that rush hour, on mass transit, is the best time to change your cell phone ringtone?

I realize choosing between the Halloween-Michael Meyers theme song, and Ode to Joy is a difficult decision. But 100 hundred strap-hangers, in a crowded NYC train/bus, don't want to be with you when you make your choice. Turn your cell phone off and read Metro or AM. I don't want to hear your cell!

Plus, does it matter what the ringtone is? Your cell won't ring in the subway ... ass.

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-11-04T21:09:00.000-05:00

What the hell is up with people sending forwards via text message?

Hey! I don't even want forwards when they are free and sent to my email address. What the hell makes you think I want to pay 5 cents for one on my cell phone?

Please stop.

If you truly feel that I am an angel sent from heaven/one of your best friends/whatever the hell else the forward says, just call me and tell me.

To the Moon and Back

2007-11-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

In 1969 astronauts supposedly landed on the moon.

Well then, riddle me this: why haven't we gone back there to visit?

Hey, if the landing really happened, then it shouldn't be a problem to go back. Especially now with 21st century technology.

Someone oughtta go back and check to see if the American flag is still a-waving.

Plus, why do we have a space station floating in space, when the moon has some prime, and available, real estate?

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-10-20T09:56:00.000-04:00

What the hell is up with smokers on the move; Those people that walk and smoke at the same time.

I'm not one of those people that walks up to smokers and tells them to quit; unless your names are Fred and Liz. If you want to die a horrible death with the added bonus of bad skin and teeth, that is on you. Puff away, my friend. Alls I'm saying is, stay in one frigging spot while you smoke.

My mother has a tendency of making her rounds through the apartment with a lit cigarette. All the damned smoke makes it look like she's in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. Mom, stay in one room. No one wants the scent of Eau de Nicotine in the house. My mother's poetic response would be, "Shut the f--k up Cory."

The outdoors isn't any better either.

Hey smoker in front of me! Yeah, you. I know this might surprise you, but when you go outside there is something called wind. And, you see, wind is funny, because it takes things like the smoke from your cancer-stick, and moves it around so that other people who aren't smoking have to breathe in the poisonous air that just spewed forth from your yellow-teeth infested pie-hole. So, pick a damned corner, turn your face away from the general public, and smoke your cigarette in peace. Thank you.

The Wonderful World of Disney

2007-10-17T19:54:00.000-04:00

Walt Disney World needs to stop making up shit to celebrate. Every year it's a a new celebration.

Millions of people visit Disney World/Land every year. It's a wonderland of joy and happiness. Apparently if you win the Super Bowl you get the sudden urge to go there. We get it.

You don't need to sell it any more. How many f--king celebrations are there? The next thing you know we're going to be celebrating Mickey's first colonoscopy and Minnie's first PAP.

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-09-10T19:41:00.000-04:00

The picture to your left is Chanel's Inimitable (i-nim-i-tuh-buhl) mascara.

What the hell is up with a friggin' 5 syllable word to describe mascara?

It's mascara ... a liquid that makes eye lashes fat and long. It's not that serious. It does not require an SAT level word to describe it.

Not only is the mascara unaffordable, but thanks to the marketing geniuses at Chanel it's unpronounceable.

Mtv Video Music Awards

2007-09-10T19:09:00.000-04:00

Last night the Mtv Video Music Awards aired, and I'm not even going to get into the travesty known as Britney Spears. Y'all saw it. I'm embarrassed for her. And, sadly I think we need to start "Countdown to 'Full-Blown' Meltdown" on this heifer.

What I am going to discuss is the apparent spat between crackies Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Like a classic episode of Jerry Springer, two pieces of trash fought over a chick. The prize in this fight being Pamela Anderson. According to tabloids, Kid Rock slapped Tommy Lee on the face during the awards ceremony. Tommy complains that security got to him before he could defend himself ... yeah, okay.

Now, I've seen the Tommy and Pamela sex tape, and I really don't see the appeal these men feel for her. Sure she has a nice body and face (scratch that), she has a nice body. But bitch didn't do anything by lay there like a human pin cushion. I don't think she should get fought over for being a star-fish.

Does Pamela win in this situation? You give me the choice between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and I'm going to choose what's behind Door #3; whatever the hell that is.

Who am I kidding! I'm taking Tommy ... if you've seen the sex tape you'll know why. Momma didn't raise no fool.

Gimme More

2007-09-05T21:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know who this bitch is in this picture, but they say it's Britney, so I'm posting it.

In case you haven't heard, Britney released a new single called, "Gimme More." And, I'll be the first to say that I like it. There, I said it.

Sure she's fucked up in the cabeza, and doesn't take care of her kids, but bitch can put out a good dance song. It's no "Toxic," but I'll take it.

As for Britney's ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake ... gimme less. Did y'all watch his HBO concert? It wasn't bad, but he ain't no Madonna. I'm not sure he can carry a concert on his own. Justin, I understand that you want to be portrayed as a mature gentleman. That's why you are always wearing a suit and tie. But, please, we want to see skin. Take it off! If I wanted to see a white man in a suit, I'd have lunch on Wall Street. Oh, and when you curse it's weird. You used to be in N'Sync, it just doesn't seem right.

Fully Recovered

2007-09-05T20:49:00.000-04:00

Over a week ago, my best friend JohnPaul came to visit from Los Angeles. Oh, what a weekend it was! My liver hurts.

First, we all met at Benny's for dinner and drinks. It was also an opportunity to meet Raf's new "friend;" we shall call him Zeddy. Of course, any new friend is going to be analyzed by the group, that is just how it is. I was liking Zeddy, until he said that coke (and I'm not talking cola) is his weakness. Oh hell no. Chocolate is a weakness. Manolo Blahnik shoes are a weakness. Coke is an addiction, honey. And, FYI, denial is the first step, so congrats on meeting a milestone. Any way, from that point on I was trying to get Raf's attention by giving him the "death ray" stare. But, it was to no avail. In any case, a spot in my heart warmed up for Zeddy when he paid for dinner, and my drinks for the rest of the night.

Without going into too much detail about what happened later that night, suffice it to say that Raf needed to talk to someone badly in the morning. So what did he do? He texted (is that a word?) me from 5:30am until 9am about going to the beach, claiming he needed a friend. Please, he just didn't want to go to the nudie beach alone. He told me if I wanted to leave the beach as soon as we got there, then we would leave. Lies! We went to his mom's house first, and she packed enough food for us to camp on the beach for a week. I was a prisoner in Long Island!

We got to the beach, and planted ourselves next to a group of Raf's beach friends. My vagina was shy, so I didn't go nude this time. But the ta-tas were fine, so they were out and about. The waves were treacherous, and since I didn't want a repeat performance of my last nudie beach visit (stop laughing Raf), I decided to stay away from the ocean. But, no. One of Raf's friends apparently worked for the Atlantic Ocean Association and kept insisting that we go in the water. Every time we moved he was like, "Are you going in? Are you going in?" No bitch, I'm not going in! Now take your twig and berries and get the hell away from me! Luckily I got home (6 hours later) without a sunburn ... hooray for SPF 50!

Sunday afternoon it was brunch time at one of our favorite places. Truth be told, any place that keeps the liquor coming is a favorite of ours. Any way, we laughed, we drank, we talked, we drank, we cried from laughter, and we drank some more. It was fabulous. Then we left the restaurant, and went to Diana's to drink (see picture above). Speaking of that picture, Deni, why do you have your hand on my ankle? I wasn't going to go any where. Possessive much?

Alas, JP had to leave us on Monday, and after I got over my hangover, I was sad. Not sure if it was because I was sober, or because JP left NYC. Just kidding JP! You know from the message I left on your voicemail that I was missing you from the moment I left you in a drunken stupor on Diana's couch.

As is customary when JP visits, I had a wonderful time (from what I can remember). I can't wait until December! We are going to ring in the New Year like never before!!! Love you!!

Isn't It Ironic?

2007-09-05T20:40:00.000-04:00

On my bus ride to work this morning I noticed a wall of a brick building that was spray painted with a picture of the Earth, and a message about treating the planet well.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't spray paint have a crazy amount of chemicals that harm the planet?

Of course we have to treat the Earth better, now that your spray paint put a new friggin' hole in the O-Zone. Thanks.

Trapped in the Closet

2007-08-15T21:01:00.000-04:00

Can someone tell me why this bitch is still in the closet?

I was walking to the bus this morning and saw an advertisement for this crap. Wasn't R. Kelly in the closet when I was in high school?

R, nobody cares any more, so you can come out now. We're all still getting over the fact that you pee-peed on a 12 year old girl, do you really think we care about what's going in the closet?

Dear Criss ...

2007-08-15T20:46:00.000-04:00

You're 40. And no matter how much "bling" you wear, and how much gel you put in your spikey hair, you're 40. Please stop making a fool of yourself.

Oh, and, getting rolled over by a steam roller is not magic. You gettting away with that tired look, now that's magic.

Smooches,

Crush of the Moment

2007-07-29T20:44:00.000-04:00

John Barrowman

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have taken a liking to BBC-America programming. Well, starting in a few short weeks is a new show called "Torchwood," and John Barrowman is one of the main characters.

Now, me and John go way back, because I crushed on him when he was on the short-lived series, "Central Park West." I realize, I might be the only person that actually watched the show. In any case, I thought he was hot then, and he sure as hell is hot now.

And since I think he's hot, wouldn't you know it - he's gay. But, wait! He's not just gay. He's gay and married. Married to a man, of course. And I believe his partner is hot as well. So, go John and your hot man! I will respect your marriage, and not try to break you two up.

Side Note: Can someone do a check to find out how many of my Crushes are actually straight?

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

2007-07-29T20:28:00.001-04:00

I did it, people! After almost a decade of travelling via Amtrak, I finally got on a plane ... not once, but twice (had to come back home, of course)!

I went to Europe, y'all. Where did I go, you ask? Ireland. I spent a marvelous week with my father and my Aunt Emily on the Emerald Isle.

Words cannot express how beautiful and magical Ireland is; and a week is just not enough time to dwell there. I've been home for almost a week and I still can't believe I went there! But, I have the pictures to prove it.

My dad and I were unsuccessful in our search for the "wee" people. In fact, most of the Irish people we encountered were taller than us. However, I do believe that "wee" people exist, and some probably live in the nose-hair of our tour guide. Seriously, his nose-hair was out there.

Not only were the people tall, but I didn't see one unattractive Irish man. They are gorgeous. Of course, that could be all the Guinness talking, but who the hell cares! After a pint we're all hot, no?

Bottom Line: Ireland is amazing, and I can't wait to visit again!

PS: I'd like to give a shout-out to the makers of Ativan and Xanax; thanks to you I didn't go "Twilight Zone Shatner Crazy" on either flight.

Separated at Birth

2007-07-27T12:50:00.001-04:00

Captain Jack Sparrow

and

Britney Spears

[Britney's photo provided by PerezHilton.com]

Dose of Reality

2007-07-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

Charlie Sheen (41) is engaged ... again.

The lucky lady's name is Brooke Mueller (29). And why she said "yes" is unbeknownst to me, and probably every clear-thinking person in America.

Honey, seriously, have you ever heard the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." If any dog knows about tricks, it's Charlie. And, I'm not talking about the "sit" and "fetch" kinda tricks. Well, maybe I am, I don't know what those Heidi Fleiss bitches got paid to do for him.

Any way, don't believe him when he says he was only in Heidi's "black book" because they are in the same bowling league.

Oh, and good luck with the Baby Mama Drama that is bound to come your way home girl.

No seriously, I wish you crazy kids the best of luck.

Crush of the Moment

2007-07-15T19:19:00.000-04:00

Zac Efron

I'm not sure if crushing on Zac Efron makes me a craddle-robber or a lesbian. Dude looks purrty like a lady at times, don't 'cha think? I swear he wears blush. And check out his eyebrows! Can someone say "Anastasia?"

On another note, check out Zac's "Hairspray" co-star Queen Latifah at a recent premiere:

I thought she was P. Diddy's mother for a moment (see below).

Queen, save the wigs for the movie set. They ain't working anywhere else.

Headline

2007-06-21T20:49:00.000-04:00

During my lunch minute at work I like to visit CNN.com to get an update on the news, and because its the only website that isn't blocked by my job's computer system.

I was skimming through the headlines, and saw this one mixed in with the usual murders and political news - "100-foot deep Andes lake disappears." Uh, what?!

So, I click on the link, and this is the first sentence:

"SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) -- A five-acre glacial lake in Chile's southern Andes has disappeared -- and scientists want to know why." No shit.

Can someone explain to me how a body of water disappears and this isn't headline news? Was it on the CNN crawl? I haven't seen anything mentioned all night on the news channels.

How friggin' careless about the environment are we that nature can disappear and we just shrug it off as if Britney showed her hoo-haa again?

You know who should be the most pissed? The couple that thinks they just bought lakeside property. Come move-in day ... Where's the f--king lake!

Dear Joan

2007-06-17T14:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Joan,

I hate to break it to you, but it's 2007, not 1985, and frosted pink lipstick is not in style any more.

I realize it worked on Knots Landing, but you've been rocking the same lipcolor for decades, and I ask that you please stop.

You are a beautiful woman, don't let the other sexpots from the 1980s get all the camera time (especially that bitch Victoria Principal! She is looking fantastic, and bringing in the dough with her skin care line).

You're fab, just follow the rule that your lips should not be the same color as your skin, and you'll be fine.

The Name Game

2007-06-15T22:36:00.001-04:00

One of my nephews has a prom coming up, and his date's name is ... well, let's just say for her next birthday her parents should just get her a pole.

I'm sure she's a nice girl. But, what is up with parents naming their kids, especially their daughters, names that belong on the marquee at Scores?

Girls already have a bad rep, especially blondes, when it comes to intelligence. Naming your daughter Bambi isn't going to help her get taken seriously on job interviews.

I'm not leaving any one out here. There are parents that name their kids with names that are meant for grandparents. Have you ever seen a popular kindergartener named Harriet? I rest my case.

Parents, think about what you're gonna do to your unborn children. Think before you name. The only people that can carelessly name their children are celebrities, and if you're reading my blog, chances are you're not a celebrity.

Reality Shows

2007-06-13T20:39:00.000-04:00

I love "So You Think You Can Dance." Not just because there are lots of young, sweaty man-boys writhing on stage, undulating their bodies and questioning their sexuality. Not at all. What I appreciate is the fact that the judges are relative nobodies in Hollywood that actually know what they are talking about.

I'm tired of shows like American Idol and America's Got Talent with judges that wouldn't know talent if it kicked them in the winky. Well, except for Paula, I love me some "Cold Hearted Snake." And anyone who says they didn't rock to "Straight Up," or watch the video for "Rush, Rush" over and over sits on a throne of lies. Lies I say!

The judges on "So You Think You Can Dance" are actually dancer/choreographers, so they know what's up. Except for the English dude, who is he? Is it a prerequisite to have an English guy on the judges panel?

Kyle XY

2007-06-02T15:48:00.001-04:00

I'm sure you have seen the posters/advertisements for the show "Kyle XY." I've never watched the show, you know why? Because it takes more than a picture of a confused guy without a belly button to get me to watch a show.

A missing belly button, really? Is that supposed to pique my interest? How about a missing leg? Have you ever met Johnny One Leg? Well, I have. And, boy does he have some stories.

Crush of the Moment

2007-06-02T15:24:00.000-04:00

Craig. Daniel Craig.

I realize that I'm 20 years late in watching "Casino Royale," the latest James Bond flick. But, I was never a 007 enthusiast. However, things change.

Daniel Craig is hot. I throughly enjoyed watching him use his big gun.

And, really, is there anything better than a man in tailored clothes? I think not.

If you're looking for a new Bond Girl, I'm right here. My name can be: Coco Nutts, or Sandy Syphillis (guess what my weapon is).

Wiggy Wiggy

2007-05-31T22:20:00.000-04:00

What is up with movies that have amazing special effects, but the wigs that the actors wear look like shit?

I don't understand how you can make it look like the Silver Surfer is actually flying through a New York City sky, but Jessica Alba's hair looks like an ash-blonde rats nest. Jessica Alba is hot, couldn't they have done without the wiggy?

On another note, do you really expect the audience to believe that Jessica Alba's character wants to marry Mr. Fantastic? He's like 20 years older than her.

Random Thought

2007-05-31T22:13:00.000-04:00

Why is David Hasselhoff a judge on "America's Got Talent"?

Oh, and as for this picture I found, I never in my life wanted to see puppies abused in such a way.

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-05-23T21:44:00.003-04:00

What the hell is up with people wanting my dog to play with their dog during our morning walk?

People, it's 7am, I'm dressed for work and wearing heels! Do you not notice that my dog is an extremely energetic and nosey German Shepherd? Throw me a bone.

I apologize if I don't appear friendly and eager to allow my beast of a dog to pounce on your little dog. But, seriously, it's a work day. I realize you may have the time to frolic, but I don't. The morning walk is just for Breeze to do her business. If you want your dog to play with her, meet up with her at the dog run at around 3pm.

And, stop giving me dirty looks when I make Breeze turn the other way so as to avoid your dog. I don't want dirt on my shoes and dog hair on my clothes. It's nothing personal. Thanks.

Tragedy

2007-05-10T02:43:00.000-04:00

Barry Gibb was on American Idol yesterday, and he was wearing a sheer black button-down shirt. Why Barry? Why? Sure you were hot in the 70's, maybe even the 80's, but there comes a time when a Has-Been-Hottie needs to face Father Time. And that, Barry, means dressing your age and cutting your damned hair. We get it, you have a good head of hair. And yes, it was cute when it blew in the wind during the Staying Alive video as you and your brothers sauntered down the streets like ruffians. But, the hair isn't cute any more. Here's an idea, you want to look younger, how about you shave off that Grizzly Adams beard you've been rocking since 1973. Just a thought. As for the clothing, I have no desire to see 60-something year old chest. And no, 60-something year old chest does not look sexy underneath sheer clothing.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned!

2007-05-01T20:48:00.000-04:00

Take heed fellas, and realize that eventually all of your skeletons will pop out of the closet with a collective "Heeeeeeeey!" And, in the case of Dina McGreevey (estranged wife of former NJ governor, and self-proclaimed "Gay-American," Jim McGreevey), skeletons, as well as her husband, came out of the closet.

Taking the opportunity to share her side of the story, Dina appeared on Oprah this afternoon to discuss the debacle that was her marriage, and to promote her new book ("Silent Partner"), of course! No one goes on Oprah without having written a book ... FYI. I hope blogs count :o/

Oprah asked the important questions, like "Did you know he was gay?," "Were there any signs?", and "Why in the hell were you smiling during Jim's 'outing' speech?" Oprah, honey, that was no smile. That was holding back the "crazy", that's what that was.

As can be seen in the above picture, that is not the smile of a content woman. That is the smile of, "Okay motherf--ker, you want me to play 'happy' for your press conference, I will. But, when we get home I'm going to pluck out your pubes, one by one. That's right, your pubes." Can you blame the woman? Her husband basically told her that the life she knew was a sham. He's lucky to be alive!

And, now Jim's is trying to get sole custody of the couple's young daughter. Uh, what? Dude, you didn't know if you were coming or going until 3 years ago, you gotta be kidding, right? And, he's accusing Dina of being in denial. No shit! Her life was shattered, and she has to make a new one. That takes time. Plus, do you really want to point the "denial" finger, Mr. I married 2 women had 2 children, but then went to dirty rest stops on the highway to mess with men because I didn't want people to know I was gay? If Dina's in denial, at least she's in it alone. You're ass brought a load of innocent people into your Denial Extravaganza. No fair.

The Oprah interview was entertaining, but I could tell Oprah wanted to shake Dina, or something. And, I agree. You were scorned, woman! Get angry! Get even! Get everything! But, no. Dina was civilized, and that is when I realized why Jim married her. She really is the perfect political wife. This woman dated Jim for about 5 years, was never invited to Jim's parents home. And, she was never allowed to meet Jim's first daughter. What! Now that deserves a slap!

Girl, what were you thinking? You married a man who flat-out had secrets ... were you that surprised when he dropped the homo-bomb on you? It's like you had the word "Gullible" written on your forehead. Honey, he saw you coming, and I say that with love.

On another note, where were Dina's friends during the courtship? A good set of sisters, or girlfriends, would have solved this mystery a long time ago. I can see my sister Sissy now, "Girl, whatchu mean he hasn't let you see his parents house? He's got problems." Then Dineen would roll out a blueprint of his parents' home and how we were going to break in and do a little pre-marital investigation. All the while, Tonya would be saying that what we were thinking about doing is wrong and we should stop. And, then Sissy and Dineen would agree and put the blueprint away ... until Tonya left the room. Sisters are great.

Chin Fuzz

2007-04-30T21:29:00.000-04:00

I watch Dancing with the Stars. Let me know when you stop laughing, so I can continue ... you ready?

Two "stars" on the show are rocking a similar look, and I just don't get it.

Apolo Anton Ohno and Billy Ray Cyrus have chin fuzz. Why? Do you really think that is attractive? It's not.

You look like a vagina has grown on your face. And that, my friend, is something you do not need.

You are attractive men. The only time I want to see a man with chin fuzz is when I walk into a KFC ... Colonel Sanders, anyone?

I can understand Billy wanting to appear edgy and young for the Hannah Montana Disney crowd, but what the hell is Apolo's excuse? Other than he just started growing facial hair and he's just excited (he's like 22 years old).

Oh, and Billy please put down the flat iron. It will only lead to breaky ends, achy breaky ends. (Sorry, I just had to say that).

Peer Pressure is Alive and Well

2007-04-23T21:20:00.000-04:00

News flash ... peer pressure does not end in high school. Last Friday I was out to dinner and drinks (lots and lots of drinks) with Dineen and Erin.

Now, I'm not gonna say what it is they pressured me into. But I will say this ...

HONEY, IT DID NOT TAKE MUCH PRESSURE! Tee, hee, hee!

So what if I was 3-sheets to the wind! I had fun ... I think. Well, hell, from what I remember I had fun, and that's what counts!

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-04-23T21:05:00.000-04:00

What the hell is up with sushi being served at baseball games?

You read it correctly. Sushi was on the menu at Shea Stadium yesterday. Hot dogs, I get. Cheese fries, make sense. Beer and soda, stadium staples. But, sushi? And I love sushi! But at a baseball game? It just doesn't seem right. Who the hell are we trying to impress?

If you don't like a NY hotdog (made from God's knows what type of meat) than you just shouldn't be at a baseball game. I'm all for being healthy, but the only people who should be worrying about their weight at a game are the players as they run the bases. I'm happy to sit my chunky ass down and eat a fatty snack and sugar-filled soda while the people I paid to see run and sweat. Thank you very much.

Et tu, Oprah!

2007-04-18T20:54:00.000-04:00

After the horrific events that unfolded the other day at Virginia Tech, the media has done what it does best --- milk the situation for everything its worth. And, Oprah surprisingly joined the bandwagon.

Now, I agree that the public needs to know the pertinent information about what occurred. But, I do not need to see hours upon hours of the same videos, pictures, and interviews. What does that do for the public, really? It inevitably will cause the people who were there to relive it, and that doesn't help. And, it causes those who have experienced it from afar to vicariously relive it. That's not closure ... that's retraumatization.

News should be exactly what it is called ... new. So please stop showing me the same shit over and over again. Thank you.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected by this senseless act of violence.

On another note, all day today the issue of motive has been discussed. Why did he do it? I'll tell you why ... BECAUSE HE WAS CRAZY! Plan and simple.

We don't need to dress "crazy" up. "Crazy" is fine by itself. "Crazy" is an entree that doesn't require a sidedish.

There, I saved CNN a few hours.

Jeepers Cats!

2007-04-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

My sister Tonya sent me a forward with pictures of painted cats. Here are some of the pics:

Who in the hell paints their cats?

White people, that's who.

According to the forward, it costs about $15,000 to paint your cat.

What the #$%@!

There are people who have no food to eat, and we have people painting cats - something is just wrong with that.

I could understand if your cat asked you to paint them, but look at these animals ... they do not look like they are happy with their new looks.

The purple cat looks like a Skittle that was dipped in a hazardous material.

I appreciate the patriotism in the next cat, but what is that star in the middle of his forehead? A target?

As for the final cat, where are it's ears?

Random Thought

2007-04-16T19:26:00.000-04:00

What is in asparagus that makes your pee-pee smell so weird? There! I said it!

Don't get me wrong, I don't sniff pee. But, when you eat asparagus, it is hard to not notice the sudden change in the air. What is it? I want to know. Educate me, please.

Critic's Corner: 300

2007-04-15T18:36:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching a bootleg copy of "300," although on the DVD itself, it read, "Trescientos." In any case, I really have no idea what happened in the movie. All I know is that I saw a whole lot of writhing, sweaty, muscular abs. And, for that, "300" gets 4 stars.

I also want to give credit to the actress who played Leonides' wife (Lena Headey) because she had a furrowed brow the entire movie. Congratulations for not using Botox so that movie-goers could actually see emotion in your face. Nicole Kidman could learn a few things from you - her face is tighter than a drum. The only emotion she can portray at this point is constipation.

Bottom line, if you're in the mood to see a group of men with hot bods, wielding swords and stabbing eachother, this is the movie for you. Enjoy!

Crush of the Moment

2007-04-09T21:59:00.000-04:00

Henry Cavill

Ugh, I can't even say anything.

He's just beautiful ... let's leave it at that.

Oh, and he's tall, and he has a British accent, and you can see him on Showtime's "The Tudors."

I need to go to Europe, this is ridiculous.

Por Favor, No Comer en la Funeraria

2007-04-04T18:34:00.000-04:00

As many of you may know, my fire-cracker of a grandmother, Mariana, passed away a few weeks ago. The funeral home where her arrangements were made did a good job overall, but here are some areas in which they were lacking:

1. There was no office for the "office". When you walked in there was a desk, that's it. And, behind that desk was a lady wearing her funeral-best, which included a pair of Chinatown dollar-store slippers. She wore these fashionable slippers with socks. At least do my family the decency, and not wear socks with your slippers! Lady, this a funeral home, have some respect and put on some shoes. Forgive me if I don't appreciate you welcoming guests as though you are chilling on your front porch. In addition to the footwear, since the office was out in the open, so was the sign that read "All fees must be paid on the day of funeral service." Thank you for that. There was also a sign that said to not eat in the funeral chapel. Really? Because I wanted to bust out my bag of Onion Rings and pop open a bottle of Tropical Fantasy. Are people that tacky that a sign is needed? That is sad.

2. The funeral service was to begin at 3pm. Little did we know, but my grandmother was being prepared in the Bronx, although the funeral home is in Manhattan. Was my grandmother in the chapel an hour before guests were to arrive? No. My grandmother arrived at 2:30pm, and she was brought in through the front door. Just what arriving mourners need to see. My mother and I waited in an unused chapel while Flip Flop and her lackey prepped the area. As we waited, I comforted my mother with words like, "These idiots are cutting it pretty close, aren't they?"

3. On the board in the front area, they had a sign with my grandmother's name. They spelled it incorrectly by one letter. As my mother is telling Flip Flop this tidbit of information, the woman is making excuses for the mix up. Hey, shut the hell up and take your little fingers and put an "A" where you put an "I." Are you seriously going to argue with the daughter of the deceased about a friggin' letter? I think she knows how to spell her mother's name. And mom, you need to stop ... you tried to blame the spelling mishap on dad by saying, "Mi esposo no sabe, es americano." Oh no you didn't.

4. Eventually, I had to use the bathroom in the joint. When I went down there, what did I find? The casket gallery is right next to the bathroom! What the hell! Get a door and put a sign that says DO NOT ENTER, don't have that shit all exposed to everyone who goes down there to take a leak! Needless to say, I used the buddy method every time I went down there. That's right ... Dineen and I were potty-partners.

Now, the next thing I am going to discuss happened in the limo at the cemetery. I was in the limo with Papi, Aunt Cookie, cousin Lisa, my mother and grandma's sister Elsa. As we are sitting in the car waiting to get out to sit by the grave my mother and Elsa are discussing how the grave is in a very nice area. So then my mother says, "Oh yeah, Elsa, there is a plot in there for you too." SURPRISE! What the hell kind of out-of-nowhere statement is that, mom? Why don't you just tell the woman to jump in and try it out? Gotta love my mother.

How do you even appropriately thank someone for a gift like a cemetery plot? "Gee, Liz, um, thank you for thinking of me ... dead. You're really too kind."

Dumb Ass Move of the Moment

2007-04-04T18:27:00.000-04:00

I hate to admit it, but I did something stupid last night.

My dog Breeze was barking, so I decided to use the scare tactic that always seems to work - putting the electric dog collar on her. Now before you get all PETA/Animal Rights on my ass, hear me out. We hardly ever use the electric charge, we just use the annoying sound option on the remote. But, if you knew Breeze, believe me, you would want to electrocute her!

In any case, I was putting the collar on her, but I didn't know if it was on. Well, honey, did I find out!

I unknowingly had my fingers on the electric prongs, and instead of hitting the annoying sound button, I hit the electric charge button ... WOAH! I jumped so high, high, high, I touched the sky, sky, sky and didn't think I was gonna come down until the 4th of July, ly, ly!

Needless to say, the collar was, in fact, on.

Please Stop

2007-03-26T10:37:00.001-04:00

Please stop making overalls for adults. There is no reason why a grown ass person should be wearing that type of contraption. If you are a woman, the make you look pregnant. If you are a man, they make you look like Farmer Joe.

If you are not a farmer, there is no good reason for you to be parading around town in an outfit that is primarily rocked by toddlers.

Accept for you Sissy ... you look hot.

Crushes of the Moment

2007-03-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

Jonas Armstrong

My crushes of the moment are two-fold. For one, I am now completely obsessed with BBC America and their Robin Hood series. At first I thought the guy who played Robin was unattractive and scrawny (Jonas Armstrong ). But, he has grown on me. I guess all that stealing from the rich/give to the poor crap does something for the ladies, 'cause it's working on me.

Next we have the fine specimen known as Kyle Schmid. He plays Henry the vampire on Lifetime's Blood Ties. He is hot. However, the last name "Schmid" is not. Honey, I'm not one for denying your culture and changing your last name, but if you're an actor and require something memorable ... Schmid ... hell, nevermind, it's memorable.

Kyle Schmid

Like White People Need Another Reason To Have A Party

2007-03-18T20:30:00.000-04:00

Have any of you heard about the new fad? They are called Purity Balls, and they are basically gatherings where daughters pledge to their fathers that they will remain virgins until marriage.

So, in a nutshell, fathers are spending a lot of money for their daughters to dress-up, have a nice meal, and lie to them in front of witnesses.

Of course some daughters will actually honor their pledges. And those daughters are ugly ... just kidding! I'm not saying they are all lying whores. What I am saying is that when you're 12 years old, you don't know what the hell you're gonna want to do when you are 17 and confronted with Todd the captain of the football team.

A silly pledge that you read to your dad at the age of 12 is not going to matter when you have to opportunity to play "5 mintues in the closet" at your friend's house. I'm just sayin'.

Having a ball (no pun intended), in an attempt to keep your daughter pure seems a little extravagant. I know a cheaper way ... show her a picture of a vagina/penis infected with an STD. Betcha she'll be running in the other direction next time the boy next door wants to play Hide the Salami.

And what about having their sons make a pledge of purity? Last time I checked girls don't get pregnant by themselves! Why do girls have to take on the responsibility of keeping their goods on lockdown? Not fair! Not fair, I say!

There's Always One

2007-03-12T19:39:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my father's surprise 60th birthday party, and it was fantastic! I cried, my sisters cried, then we stopped .... and then we cried some more. In any case, I bring the party up to discuss something about family gatherings - Why does there always seem to be one male family member/close friend of the family that lingers a little too long when you kiss/hug them "hello"? F@#KING LET GO OF ME! And, stop peering at me with your beady little eyes. Ick.

For those of you who attended the party, I will keep the man in question nameless, but y'all know who he is. If you don't, call me and I will tell you. Ugh, I felt so violated and exposed.

On another note, I realize that I'm not dating any one and I have no children, but that doesn't mean the only conversation I am capable of having is about college. I've been out of graduate school and working for almost 3 years, and still the only question I get asked at family functions is, "So, you done with school?" Yes, yes, yes! I've been out of school for three friggin' years! I told you that at the last family function!

Of course my favorite is, "No boyfriend yet?" No! No, there is no boyfriend yet! And, if you know where the hell he is, tell him I'm looking for him and that he's got a lot of explaining to do. What the hell, do I have to have some form of appendage (ie: boyfriend, child, etc.) to be worthy of a decent conversation? I can speak people! Especially about make-up, America's Next Top Model, and HBO Rome. My God, I think I just realized why I'm single. I need someone to take me to Home Depot ASAP so I can learn about power saws and shit like that.

Balance Your Aura

2007-03-09T22:22:00.000-05:00

JohnPaul sent me an email the other day about Aura Sprays. Of course he said he wanted them.

Basically, they are supposed to balance your aura.

Okay, so not only do I need to worry about balancing my checkbook, I need to also worry about balancing a whole mess of air around me that no one can see? Here just take my wallet, will you?

How many friggin' sprays are there? And, instead of spraying them on my aura, I would take them to work and spray them around people with attitudes, like they smell. Like, "Oh, you are moody today aren't you? Hold on one minute (take out an aura spray) [squirt, squirt] There you go. Now get your nasty ass aura away from my balanced one biatch."

Crushes of the Moment

2007-03-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

This might sound surprising, but Tom Cruise is one of my crushes of the moment.

I know, I know, you're shocked. But, I was watching Mission Impossible 2, and you must admit that Tommy was HOT. And his Hollywood Tan didn't hurt him neither. So what if my dog is taller than him when she stands on her hind legs. Hey, JohnnPaul, remember when we saw MI2 in the movie theater? I helped you understand the plot, and you helped me figure out when someone was wearing a mask ... I'm simple sometimes. I miss you.

Now, moving on to the other crushes: The mens from the new movie "300." Gerard Butler and Rodrigo Santoro (ugh, even his name is hot).

Can someone tell me how Gerard Butler never, ever looks like the characters he plays in the movies. Did y'all even know he was the Phantom of the Opera? No! Because his real-life pics look nothing like the Phantom! It's crazy. Google it, I swear you'll be amazed.

As for Rodrigo, he is just plain caliente. A tad skinny, but I'll deal with it. I get giddy because you know he's foreign and would probably say my name with the cutest accent. And, I'm not talking "Honduran Ex-Boyfriend" accent. I'm talking about an accent I actually want to hear!

Tired

2007-02-28T22:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the premiere of America's Next Top Model Season 88. Hey, when do you think the young chippies will realize that no one that ever won the competition is actually a top model? And no, those "This is my life as a CoverGirl" segments do not count!

Those are some of the cheesiest commercials! Can I get an Amen?

Now on to Jay Manuel. I think he's hot. BUT, you know what? Jay baby, the platinum hair is tired. Yes, it was cute the first time you had it, and maybe even the 2nd. But, now it isn't fun any more. Let it go. Please. How can anyone take your style critiques seriously when you are rocking a played out 'do? Exactly! So I say, you grab a chair as well when it's Frederic Fekkai makeover day on the show.

As for Jay Alexander ... I don't even know where to start. If he was any more of a mess, the Red Cross would have to send in some aid. Yes, he has great legs and can teach a mean walk. But when in the hell was he granted the ability to give constructive criticism when it comes to style? He looks like a prison tranny. And, he makes Jay Manuel look butch ... and butch with tired platinum hair is hard to pull off. Now, Ms. Alexander isn't the gayest person out there; that lovely honor is held by the imcomparable Bobby Trendy. Speaking of which, Bobby needs to come out with a lip gloss line because that bitch wears it like it is life-blood. But I digress. Alls, I'm saying is after millions of years in the fashion industry, these are the gems that Tyra came up with? See, this is what happens when you piss off Naomi.

Finally, at the start of the show Tyra attempted to be cute and perform a step routine. "Attempted" being the operative word here. She was also wearing fatigues, and spewing out lines from military movies. Why? I'll tell you why. Because she's an ass. Can someone please up her dosage?

All this bitching, but you know I'm watching the show next week :o)

Sweet Jesus! What Happened to Britney?

2007-02-19T10:43:00.000-05:00

Exhibit A
Once upon a time there was a girl named Britney Spears, and she looked like Exhibit A.

Now she looks like Carol Channing (please see Exhibits B and C).

What the hell has happened?! If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is! I'm serious, in the bald picture Brit Brit looks like she is one stop away from Crazy-Ville. She actually makes Hannibal Lector look sane.

Where is A&E Intervention when you need them? And, where the hell is her mama? My mother, and three sisters, would have snuck up on me and beat my ass back into reality.

Then I would go home and my best friend JohnPaul would beat my ass for letting people take pictures of me looking like a damned fool.

Exhibit B (Ms. Channing with an impersonator)

For real, look like an ass all you want Britney, but don't do it in front of the papparazzi. Do you even want custody of your children in the divorce settlement? Because right now K-Fed is looking like the better parent. Ill, did I just say that? I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

And, where the hell is Jayden James? There are too many questions! It's like the mystery will never cease!

Exhibit C

Also, Britney, if you are going to shave your head, please make sure you have a nice shaped one. You're one step away from looking like Sloth from The Goonies.

Great Jobs

2007-02-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

I want to be a weather-person.

What other career is there where you can be wrong 50% of the time, and still keep your job?

Their job is to basically guess. I can so do that!

I think it's going to snow tonight. There I did it.

Now, where's my check?

Giving Credit When It's Due

2007-02-12T20:49:00.000-05:00

Things have been a little quiet for J. Lo and I don't think home-girl is getting any credit for some of her accomplishments:

She's been successfully married to the Ghost of Christmas Past for almost 3 years now.

Go Jennifer! I had faith in you from the beginning!

I love Marc Anthony, but you know it's not easy waking up to that face every morning. I know, I know, I'm no spring chicken either. But, have your chef give him an extra plate of chicharrones for heaven's sake! He's withering away before our very eyes.

Flur?

2007-02-11T15:23:00.000-05:00

I was on the bus the other day on my way to work when I noticed a woman wearing a fur coat sitting on the bus as well.

What's up with that? You can afford a fur coat, but not a car to drive your ass to work? Get your priorities in check! That chinchilla did not die so you could wear his ass on the M15.

I'm not hating. Although I'm not into wearing dead, furry creatures on my body. I'm just saying, if you are spending a pretty penny on mink, have the accessories to go with it. And, a MetroCard is not a sufficient accessory.

Unless you're wearing a flur-coat! That's it isn't it! You're wearing a flur not a fur! And I bet that bag you're wearing is from CoCo-Canal. Go on girl! Go on with your faux self!

Bringing Sexy Back

2007-02-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

I went to see "Hannibal Rising" with my sister Tonya last night, and must say that Gaspard Ulliel (the guy that plays young Hannibal Lecter) makes crazy look tres chic!

I didn't know whether I should be scared shitless, or go shopping with the guy. Seriously. He was obviously wearing designer clothes, and you don't see stylish psychotics too often.

Yes, yes, I know Hannibal is a lunatic. But, he has some good qualities. Besides having fantastic fashion sense, he has good taste in wine. I'm not too sure about his food choices, but no one's perfect. The guy is persistant as hell. I like a man with a goal. And, he's not afraid to get his hands dirty ... literally.

Only problem is, Hannibal has a problem letting go of the past. Honey, I have my own baggage, you need to drop that "my sister was eaten by war criminals" excuse at the door. It gets tired after a while. Move on, and stop trying to bite peoples faces off. Geez.

One Step for Mankind, Two Steps Back for Women

2007-02-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

I know you've heard the news about the female astronaut that went ape-shit over a male astronaut. Girl, what the hell were you thinking?!

This chick wore adult diapers for a 900 mile drive just so she wouldn't have to stop on the way! HELLO! Now that's what I call planning.

#1 - Don't ever chase a man. The whole reason its calling chasing is because the dude is running in the other direction ... let it go girl, he don't want you.

#2 - If anyone deserves to be kidnapped and beaten, it's the man not the other woman.

#3 - Don't astronauts make good money? Why not just fly to Orlando instead of driving and sitting in your feces? See, rocket scientists really aren't that bright.

Twig and Berries

2007-01-28T18:17:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who watches Rome on HBO? This show is CRAZY!

I'm no prude, but my goodness, this show is so debaucherous that even I blush.

People are constantly showing their twigs and berries, and there are boobies every where! And, Marc Athony! Don't even get me started on him!

The plot is good. But, seriously, I'm not gonna hide the fact that I watch it for the twigs and berries.

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-01-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

What the hell is up with traffic cops?

I agree they are useful, at times. However, all of the traffic police I have seen lately aren't doing anything that the traffic lights don't already do.

When the light is green, they motion for you to go. When the light is red, they tell you to stop.

If you're gonna stand in the middle of the street with your white gloves, friggin' do something productive! What the hell! We've had traffic lights for years - it's not like we don't know that green means go and red means stop.

Watch me get hit by a car now.

"Black boys are delicious ..."

2007-01-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

I took my neice to see "Stomp the Yard" yesterday. She is madly in love with Chris Brown, and I must say, after seeing this movie, I wouldn't think twice about pushing my neice to the ground to get to Mr. Brown. Hee, hee.

Chris Brown doesn't have a big role in the movie, but Columbus Short (the guy who plays his brother) does, and my, oh, my is he a cutie.

In fact all the cocoa mens is this movie were hot. The good guys. The bad guys. I didn't know whose side I was on! It was quite confusing.

Bottom line is, the movie was good. It had a good message. And, on a crass note, I wouldn't mind any one of them stomping my yard, so to speak. (I hope you like that one Sissy!)

PS: Chris Brown is cute. But doesn't he sort of remind you of Jim Carrey in "The Mask" when he smiles?

Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

2007-01-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend my sisters (minus Tonya) and I went to a surprise baby shower for a friend. It was almost time for the guest of honor to arrive, but she was by no means right outside the door. Well, my sisters and I were in a corner conversing with another guest, and my sister Sissy laughed out loud ... nothing earth shattering, but she obviously enjoyed what was being said. From across the room another guest says, "Shhhhhhhhh!" Sissy and I made the ONLY eye contact, honey.

Um, did you just "shush" a grown ass woman? I think you did, and that isn't cute.

Listen, little girl (the guest was by no means a child, but she was definitely younger than Sissy and I), you don't "shush" a grown woman unless you want to be punched in the forehead. You do not know The Sisters well enough to "shush" us or even joke about shushing us. And, for your sake it better have been a joke.

Although, joke or not, your ass is on my list of "People I Don't Like from The Get." And, that is not a good place to be. That means from now on, until you prove otherwise, you will receive dirty looks, rolling of the eyes, and snickering from where ever I am located when I'm in the same vicinity as you. But that is not all! No sirree! If you are on my list, that means you are on my sisters lists by default. BOO YAH! It's over honey. And think, this is only for shushing one of us. Get it together girl ... get-it-together!

Pigeons

2007-01-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

I was thinking, pigeons don't get enough credit.

They have masterminded this whole bird thing.

First, they deserve some respect for being like the only birds that stay up north during the winter. Pigeons are friggin' in NYC all year. Unlike other birds, pigeons must have some big cajones to do that.

Also, they aren't afraid of people any more. Those bitches will fly at you. Honey, it is you against them ... and until you are able to fly and shit on people's heads, I'm thinking they're gonna win.

Then you have to think about the fact that there are so many of them, yet they have tricked us into not hunting them or eating them. I mean, what the hell makes quail so special? Why do we eat those little birds, and not pigeons? I'll tell you why!

Pigeons have successfully created a public relations campaign to give themselves a bad image. Street Cred, if you will. Make people think you are nasty, scavaging, dirty, city pigeons and no one will mess with you. It's genius!

What the Hell of the Moment

2007-01-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

What the hell is up with religiously-based email forwards?

I know you know what I'm talking about. Those emails that are 8 pages long, are typically some sappy story about being a good person and all that jazz, at the end it says to send the email to 500 of your friends, and if you don't it means you don't love Jesus.

Listen here, I'm pretty sure Jesus knows I love him without me having to bombard my friends' mailboxes with cacamamie stories and a side of guilt. No thanks. I get enough guilt-trips from my own family. Seriously, I can't have lunch with one sister without the other making some guilt-inducing comment. Plus, what if I don't have 500 friends? Am I doomed to go to hell because I don't have a big enough network to shout-out my love for the Big "J"?

I mean, seriously, do you really think when you're at the Pearly Gates Jesus is going to be like, "Umm, sorry Frank, you can't come in ... remember that email you got 25 years ago that said if you deleted it you didn't love me? Yeah well, it was for real. I hope you like the heat ... toodles."

Crush of the Moment

2007-01-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

Cesar Millan aka The Dog Whisperer

At first I thought he was gay. I mean, any time I see a man that knows how to dress, is nicely groomed and has gel in his hair, I just assume. But to my surprise, Mr. Millan is straight, married and a father of two sons.

I don't know what it is, maybe all that "pack leader" mumbo-jumbo, but whenever The Dog Whisperer is on, I must watch it.

I try his techniques, but my dog Breeze just isn't ready to hear any of that crap. She just stares at me with her head titled to the left.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

Happy 2007 every one!

I rang in the new year with my family yesterday, and boy was that fun. People got to my house about 12 hours before the ball dropped, so by midnight we couldn't stand the sight of one another.

Once 12am hit, people practically had their coats on when they went around to give each other kisses.

The night wasn't all bad. We played a board game, and I lost 5 minutes into it. And, we watched "Armageddon" - a movie about the end of the world ... just what I like to see 20 minutes before the new year is set to begin. Thanks STARZ channel.

Despite all this, I don't regret spending the last minutes of 2006, and the first minutes of 2007 with my fabulous family. One thing is for sure, we are never bored when we're together. Well, I can't speak for my father or my sisters' husbands, but I know the ladies aren't bored. And, let's face it, that's really all that matters.

Happy New Year!

Fire Down Below!

2006-12-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

It's here! It's here!

The 2007 FDNY Calendar of Heroes has arrived for our viewing pleasure, as well as to help us plan our days for the next year ... my goodness the fire mens are so helpful!

I've seen the pictures, and I am pleased. However, there are some months where I'm like, "Hey there buddy, put your shirt back on!"

For the most part, the calendar has succeeded in its goal - To make women call in the fire department for no good reason except to see some mens.

I don't know about you, but I'm seriously questioning my ability to light a match. I just might need the fire mens this weekend to show me how to do it correctly so I don't set my apartment on fire.

Thank you six packs, I mean fire mens, for all your hard work. Go Fort Pitt!!

Pet Peeves

2006-12-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

Hey, Dineen, you know what annoys me? When people have 8 friggin' methods of contact, and never answer any calls.

You know that piece of plastic that fits nicely on your ear? Well, when it makes a noise, pick it up!

What the Hell of the Moment

2006-12-06T21:38:00.000-05:00

Although I hate it, I wore panty hose today.

As I removed the hosiery from the box, I noticed the size chart on the side - It goes from A to B, then B to Q. What?! Where the hell is C thru P?

I realize many women need a size larger than B, but Q? That's a stretch (no pun intended).

I assume the Q stands for Queen.

No doubt every woman wants to be a queen ... but no one wants to be called friggin' queen-sized. That shit should only be used when discussing mattresses.

This had to be a man's doing. Yeah, a man with an A sized pee-pee.

Insolence?

2006-12-01T22:23:00.000-05:00

Hey Guerlain, how about giving your latest perfume a name that doesn't require a trip to the dictionary.

Insolence? It doesn't even sound pretty. It rhymes with impotence for goodness sake! I did my research and the definition of insolence is: Contemptuously rude or impertinent behavior or speech. What?! The friggin' definition needs a definition!

A perfume is supposed to have a simple pretty name, like Beautiful, or Lovely. What the hell do you plan on calling your next fragrance? Revulsion? How about Noxious? No, no Putrid ... that's a keeper.

Plus, you have Hilary Swank as the spokes model. I love Hil, but she isn't really well-known for being the most attractive of actors. So, you have 2 strikes against you. The only positive is that the bottle is nice. For your sake, I hope it smells good.

Dear Mom

2006-12-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Mom,

What is so unclear about: a) Lights off, b) I'm under the covers, c) My eyes are closed, and d) I'm snoring?

Obviously I'm sleeping. Why do you continue to insist on having a conversation with me at midnight using your "day-time" voice?

And it's never a simple conversation, like "Cory, did you feed the dog?" It's always something like, "Cory, what do you think about the president's recent visit to Iraq? Do you think it was a good idea for scientists to demote Pluto from a planet to a star? What are you're thoughts about Martin Scorcese? Do you think he's been screwed out of an Oscar for political reasons?"

I DON'T KNOW MOM! I'M SLEEPING!

Why don't you try having these conversations with me in the morning between your marathon viewings of Cold Case and HBO Autopsy. Geez.

Oh, and I notice you have a cold with a cough. How about taking a break from sucking down your nicotine sticks? I kinda have a feeling that they might make the cough worse.

Love, Cory

When Animals Act Like Animals

2006-12-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

Recently a lot of hullabaloo has occurred because Shamu went ape-shit on a trainer at Sea World.

Now, news channels are devoting loads of time to this issue, and showing a lot of footage of animals attacking people. Then they interview experts, and ask questions like, "Why did the animals attack?, What caused the animal to act in such a way?" Um, I don't know. Maybe it's because they're fucking wild animals!

Why are people surprised when animals do what comes natural to them? I don't care how many hoops Shamu can jump through, they don't call them Killer Whales for nothing.

Shamu has been doing this dog & pony show for years, bitch was probably fed-up with something and went "diva" on their asses. She was like, "Um, what kind of fish is this? Flounder! Oh no you didn't just feed me flounder! I told you I only eat salmon! I'll show you how to treat the star of your show!" Of course I know Shamu can't speak English, so it probably sounded more like this, "Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The same thing happened with Siegfried and Roy and the tiger attack a few years back. People were all shocked when the tiger went crazy during a show. Why? It's a tiger, not Morris the Cat. You can feed a tiger caviar, and have him living in the lap of luxury - it still doesn't take away from the fact that by nature, if Fluffy is hungry and mistakes your sequin-costume wearing ass for a snack, you're going down. Meow!

Here are some words of wisdom: 1) Stop trying to domesticate wild animals, no one wants to hang out with you and your pet lion. Thanks, but I like my limbs. 2) Wild animals were not meant to jump through hoops, etc., to entertain people. If you're not interesting enough to entertain a crowd on your own, don't train an animal to do your work for you. That's just sad. 3) Don't have a titty attack every time an animal fights back. How would you like it if someone starved you, and then whipped your ass until you jumped in the air and performed a flip that by nature you were not meant to do? I know I'd bite someone. Hell, even now, if I'm hungry and tired, you better keep away.

Rocky 6? Oh, come on!

2006-11-27T18:54:00.000-05:00

Dude, seriously, why? What would possess you to make another Rocky movie? Isn't your wife's skin care line doing well on The Home Shopping Channel?

For the love of God, Rocky 5 was stretching it a bit! And, the only reason I watched it was because some of it was filmed in my neighborhood, and I kinda had a crush on your son, Sage.

I'm all for under-dog stories, who doesn't love those? But this is a "dig up a dead dog and 'Pet Sematary' it back to life" type of story. And, we all know what happened to the family cat, the little kid, and that guy's wife when they came back to life in the movie... it wasn't pretty.

Listen, I'm proud of you for being in your 60's and still having pecks and six-pack abs. Go you! But when Talia Shire doesn't agree to come back and play Adrian, and your real son doesn't sign on to play your son in the movie (and we all know he isn't busy, the last thing we saw him in was "Daylight") then I say that is a sign from above that you shouldn't make part 6. Rocky is a lovable character, he isn't Freddy Kruger ... let his ass go. Mickey and Apollo must be rolling in their graves!

And, why is Paulie still around? Wasn't it his fault you went bankrupt in part 5 and had to move back into the slums? Send him packing. But, bring back that robot thing from Rocky 4 ... that was hot.

I'll probably go to the theater to see the movie, but I swear, if there is a scene where your old ass is punching slabs of meat, I am so outta there.

Ta-Da!

2006-11-20T21:42:00.000-05:00

This Thanksgiving holiday, David Blaine plans to wow us with his "magic" once again.

Apparently, he plans to remain shackled in a spinning ball thingee for a few days, and then he will attempt to de-shackle. All this, during a 2 day Target (Tar-Jay) sale. I guess Tar-Jay is sponsoring him or something. I'm more excited for the sale, really.

David, honey, spinning in a ball all shackled up is not magic. I know people who feel like they do that once they finally get their weekend hit of "E," and I ain't talking about the channel.

Don't get me wrong, you're good at what you do. But what you do is hold your breath, crash diet and pee through a catheter, not magic. I can hold my breath too .............................................................................................................. Oh damn, I almost blacked out. And half of Hollywood crash diets, but I won't name names ... [COUGH, Kate Bosworth, COUGH].

I kid, I kid. I wish you much luck on your new tricky. Perhaps I'll say hello to you when I'm taking advantage of the Tar-Jay sale.

PS: I love that whole "mysterious/sleepy" eye look you have going. It's very, "I come with a lot of childhood baggage, but I repress it and perform senseless acts for attention." It's hot.

Crush of the Moment

2006-11-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

Spartacus from Lazy Town

In many ways, this crush of the moment is wrong ... very, very wrong. I was watching my nephew a few days ago and began searching channels for something interesting to watch with him. I found a show on some Nickelodeon channel called "Lazy Town," and I see a grown ass man with rock hard biceps trying to teach kids about teamwork.

Look at this guy! I don't know whether I should be applauding him for working with children, or checking to see if he's on a pedophile website. There is just something about grown men and kids that gives me the skeevies.

On another note, take off that friggin' floppy hat and that "I stuck my finger in an electric socket" mustache, and he's hot! Plus, I think his eyes are trying to tell me something in this picture ... this is weird. I'm going to stop now.

Fat Suits

2006-11-14T20:33:00.000-05:00

Can someone please tell me why beautiful people on entertainment shows are still dressing up in fat-suits in order to show their viewers that big people are discriminated against?

The past few weeks I have seen both Maria Menounos and Vanessa Minnillo parade around in fat/ugly suits to prove that big and unattractive people aren't embraced by society. DUH!

Ladies, I realize you're trying to do your part for society and all, but please stop. We knew big and unattractive people were discriminated against before your skinny asses were born.

Plus, you do this segment every year, did you think people's perceptions were going to change? Hello! Plus, of course you weren't able to get into Hyde in a fat-suit ... Tara Reid couldn't even get in there.

On another note, is there a shortage of fat people or something? Why do you have to dress some skinny bitch up in a suit to prove discrimination? Why not just put a camera on an authentically large individual? Idiots. And why do they always dress them up in ugly clothes? Not all big people have bad style, geez. Did you ever think that maybe people are discriminating against you because your clothes look horrendous and your wig is bad?

What are you possibly gaining from this research Entertainment Tonight/Access Hollywood? The segment always ends with, "They were so mean to me, I almost cried," and that's it! What the hell! Give me something a little more profound, like how you want Hollywood to embrace real women. Don't waste my time with a skinny tart crying.

What the Hell of the Moment

2006-11-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

I realize this is a very random "What the Hell?" but, it must be shared. Now that the holidays are coming, more and more Thomas Kinkade images are popping up.

We've all seen his work - little babbling brooks, with a cottage that has one light on, lighthouses in the distance, etc. The images are found in the form of mugs, commemorative plates, AVON products and such. My "What the Hell?" has to do with his paintings.

Are you aware that Kinkade-lovers pay top dollar for his paintings, and they aren't even originals ... and they know this! Trust me, I saw an expose on 60 Minutes!

Mr. Kinkade makes one real painting, and then his factory reprints them and sells them for hundreds of dollars. They even have galleries of reprinted paintings for patrons to purchase (say that 3 times fast!). Isn't a store filled with reprinted paintings called a poster shop, not a gallery? Dress it up with a nice frame all you want, it still doesn't take away from the fact that thousands of the same painting were created and when you want to sell your shit, it will be worth about a buck fitty.

Crushes of the Moment

2006-10-28T13:53:00.000-04:00

Hello all, I'm back from my vacation in Chicago, and must say it was Chi-tastic! I'll give you all the interesting details in a little bit. For now, I will give you my two new crushes of the moment.

It has been a while since I've had a crush, so enjoy!

Crush #1: John Legend

A lot of people say that he's gay, and since I think he's cute, he probably is.

Crush #2: Simon Baker

I was watching "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan and Mr. Baker. So, I got into the spirit of things and decided to try something new too. And, that is to actually consider a blonde man attractive.

My kind of town ... Chicago

2006-10-14T11:29:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I'm heading to Chicago, Il to see one of my best friends, AJ.

I'm Amtrak-ing it, so you know what that means ... AJ, anything I say to you once I'm off the train tomorrow morning is going to sound mean and angry - please don't take it personal :o) It's only because I spent almost 20 hours sitting next to a stranger who smelled like cheese and looked "un-sundry" (remember that word from New Orleans?) I really need to get back into flying ... this is ridiculous.

I will try my best to blog while I'm away about my escapades in the Windy City!

People ... people who run the risk of losing fans!

2006-10-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard already, Barbra Streisand dropped the "F" bomb on a audience member because he didn't want to hear any more of her political banter and hatred toward Bushy at a concert during her 15th farewell tour.

I don't like Bushy either, honey, but I paid thousands of dollars to hear you sing like a good little birdy, so friggin' sing!

If I wanted to see political skits or hear political commentary, I would be watching Saturday Night Live and Meet the Press for FREE at home. So, take a sippy of water, cue the orchestra, and get to singin'!

When you start adopting babies like Brangelina and not having a titty-attack when your microphone isn't pure eggshell white, than we will really care how you think politically. Right now all you are is a talented celebrity that donates money to Democrats.

It's appreciated, and all, but for right now, let's just sing. Thanks, you're a peach.

Happy Christopher "I raped and pillaged an already discovered land" Columbus Day!

2006-10-09T13:10:00.000-04:00

I know this is a big deal, I mean, there was an entire Sopranos episode devoted to it, but I feel wrong celebrating the discovery of America, when it was discovered long before Columbus and his syphilis-infected brethren arrived.

I definitely agree that we should celebrate Italian heritage because there were so many things that they introduced to this country, such as Madonna and tiramisu. But, I don't think we should celebrate a guy who was going the wrong way in the first place. What are we congratulating him for? Bad navigation skills?

What the Hell of the Moment

2006-10-09T12:59:00.000-04:00

What the hell is up with genetically enhanced fruit? Last week a coworker brought in peaches the size of bowling balls, and today I got something in my fruit salad that could be one of 3 things: A genetically enhanced grape, a genetically enhanced blueberry, or a blue testicle.

I'm not even joking. I plan to carry the blue thingy home and show it to others.

Who is going around telling people that we need large fruits? We have so much food in this country, that people friggin' hang out at the grocery store, why the hell do we need big ass fruit?

Make big chocolate cupcakes, not big fruit.

Special Crush of the Moment

2006-10-09T12:40:00.000-04:00

I watched "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," last night, and let me just say that Paul Newman was muy caliente. And, I'm not just saying that because I love his salad dressing!

He's an asshole for 95% of the movie, but my goodness he is gorgeous!

Side note, this is the second Tennessee Williams movie I've watched in one week, and I must say that he was not shy about showcasing dysfunctional families. And, I mean, seriously dysfunctional.

Crush of the Moment

2006-10-07T16:13:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to see Marty Scorsese's, "The Departed." It's a must see, my friends.

My crush of the moment is Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio. Gone are the days when Mr. DiCaprio looked like a skinny, pre-pubescent boy sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean because Kate Winslet couldn't make some room on the piece of wood she was floating on.

Today, Leo is a robust specimen! He's 32, 5'11", and the only faults I know of are that he's a modelizer, and a smoker. I'd learn to deal with the smoking real quick ... but I sure ain't taking up anorexia for his ass. So, I guess we wouldn't work out.

If you're interested in a few more calories, give me a call Leo.

Let's call it what it really is

2006-10-05T12:50:00.000-04:00

Today's headline reads, "Rice Makes Surprise Visit to Iraq." Let's call it what it really is ... a "secret" trip to Iraq so that she wasn't shot down or otherwise attacked.

Please, calling it a "surprise" makes it seem like Condi woke up yesterday morning and said, "Let's go to Iraq and surprise our friends!"

In all honesty, this trip was probably planned well in advance and kept on the D.L.

Honey, it's not a "surprise" visit when you arrive in the dead of night in an unofficial jet, dressed like someone else.

Why is Hollywood doing this to me?

2006-10-02T20:10:00.000-04:00

Recently a slew of horror prequel movies have been made with the goal of explaining the roots of the original movie.

Practically every one who knows me, knows how I feel about scary movies, especially The Exorcist, so they know I'm not happy about this new fad.

My question is this: Who the hell is losing sleep because they need to know how the dude from Chainsaw Massacre got screwed up enough to kill people? I guessing he was abused ... really, really badly. Can't we just assume that's what happened and move on with our lives?

I know I'm not waking up at night thinking, "You know, the original Exorcist, didn't scare the shit out of me enough. I really don't spend enough time in therapy talking about how it's affected my adult life and my need to sleep with the light on at all times. I think they need to make another one so I never have a good night's rest ... ever."

Yeah, that's what I need. Hollywood keep 'em coming. War and terrorism aren't scary enough, I need to know about the inner workings of the mind of a southern serial killer and how to thwart demonic possession. Thanks. By the way, Step Up sucked.

My Oprah "Break Up" Theory Rings True ... Again

2006-10-02T19:23:00.000-04:00

Several months ago I had a theory, and I posted it on this blog (see Feb. 4, 2006 entry). Basically, my theory was that celebrity couples break up soon after they go on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Well, my theory has been proven true once again because Tony Parker and Eva Longoria have officially called it quits.

We all saw this one coming, so it shouldn't be a surprise ... Oprah's energy had something to do with it, I just know it.

In any case, Eva, seriously, when you aren't married to a man, refrain from publicly talking about marrying him, having kids with him, etc. Because when the break up occurs, you look like an ass. Especially when he isn't running around and shouting you out as THE one. And, as far as I know, Tony wasn't doing that. In fact, I don't even recall hearing him speak. I just remember him standing next to you smiling. Did he even know he was dating you?

As for my theory, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw must be doing some serious praying for their relationship, because they were on Oprah several times. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys!

Mom's Quote of the Moment

2006-09-29T09:25:00.000-04:00

The Scene

I was in my room this morning getting ready for work, and my mother opened my bedroom door. (Yes, I still live with my parents, shut up).

Mom: What day is today?

Me: It's Friday.

Mom: Shit!

Ahhh, she has such a way with words.

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

2006-09-28T20:15:00.000-04:00

Miranda: He kind of ... licked my butt.

Samantha: Be specific. Do you mean the cheeks, or...?

Miranda: It was more localized than that.

Carrie: Wait a minute. Are we ... are we talking tookus lingus?

Tyra-Tainment

2006-09-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm Tyra (aka The Unauthentic Oprah).

Y'all know that one of my favorite shows is America's Next Top Model ... don't throw stones just yet! My career is based in hardcore reality, so when I get home I love to watch nonsense, and that just what ANTM is ... nonsense. I love it!

This season is chock full 'o nonsense in the form of Tyra Banks. Every one knows that Tyra is in every episode, but she still tries to surprise the contestants by popping up places. Bitch, please, we know you are there, so do us a favor and stop popping out of closets and from under capes. I am a big fan of capes, but please, you are not David Copperfield. There ain't nothing special coming out from under that cape other than the same old tired Tyra that was here yesterday. I wish one day when she does her "surprise" visit, the contestants just stare at her and say, "Oh, hi Tyra," and go about eating their salad. Bitch would die.

As for the contestants, what is up with them having mini-strokes every time Tyra Mail appears? Ladies, it's an obscure clue regarding your next challenge, not an invite to Jesus' Second Coming extravaganza. Friggin' breathe, read the damn thing and move on.

This season the ladies are so-so, and only a few are what I would consider beautiful. And, as usual there is always a signature bitch in the group, and this season's pick is Monique. I told JohnPaul last night, if I was on the show, I would be the first chick sent home for giving another girl a busted lip. Monique walks around like every one should accommodate her ... um, no. And, then she's on the phone with her mother, I assume, and is talking about how she is a child of God and needs to be respected. Yes, schnuckums, you are a child of God, but you're not God. Now, I'm a child of God too, so that makes us sisters. As your sister, I should have to right to put a knot in your head for saying ignorant crap. Dumb ass.

Yesterday was the make-over episode, and THE Frederic Fekkai was doing their hair. These chicks had the nerve to complain! They didn't want to change too much. HELLO! You're competing to be a model ... models do just that ... stand there and don't speak. Models are blank slates that are supposed to express the vision of the artist. Shut your trap and friggin' deal with the fact that you're hair is one inch shorter and a little lighter. If you wanted to stay the same, you should have entered a pageant. Start practicing your wave, honey.

Last episode the ladies had to do a nude photoshoot, and of course there was one of those, "I'm a lady, I don't want to expose myself, boo hoo!" Have you ever watched ANTM before? Every season there is a nude photo shoot! Did you think they would change things for little old you? Hell no they ain't! They don't care about Molly Sue and her religious beliefs, so drop your drawers, show some ta-tas and smile pretty.

Damn, this show is getting me all emotional. I need a drink now.

Random Thought

2006-09-27T13:18:00.000-04:00

In an unfortunate turn of events, football player Terrell Owens attempted suicide. I don't watch football that much, so I don't know much about Mr. Owens, but today my complaint is with headline writers.

I was introduced to this sad bit of news by a headline on MyWay.com that read, "Police Say NFL Star Owens Tried Suicide."

Okay, maybe my mind is just not capable of grasping the concept, but I thought you could either attempt or commit suicide, what's this trying business?

I realize that try is probably a synonym for attempt, but still, it doesn't sound right. You try jet skiing, you try Indian food ... and if you don't like them you don't try them any more. You don't try suicide, and say, "Wow, didn't really like that ... never gonna do that again."

On a serious note, suicide (whether attempted or committed) is difficult for everyone involved. I send out prayers to Mr. Owens and his family.

The Search is Over

2006-09-21T13:26:00.000-04:00

Ladies, the search is over. I found a Big Hunk.

During my lunch hour today, I went to the candy store and saw a box of Big Hunks' (chewy nougat with peanuts). I said to the lady in front of me on the line, "Big Hunk? This is where he's been all this time?"

I grabbed one. Hey, I don't see Big Hunks that often, so when you see one, you take one. Plus, what makes him even more special is the fact that he's low fat! Hello! A hunk that cares about his health ... now that's hot.

Go out and get your Hunk today!

Sex and the CIty Quote of the Day

2006-09-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

Charlotte: Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.

Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.

Lessons I've Learned

2006-09-20T19:32:00.000-04:00

They say you learn something new everyday. So, I wanted to share some of the new tidbits of knowledge that I have learned so far this week:

#1 I bought bag of quinoa (pronounced keen-wa, whatever. It's good in salads). Any way, I learned that when you buy a bag chock full o' tiny grains, you should cut the bag open with a scissor instead of ripping the bag open like a savage animal with your bare hands. Let's just say my dog Breeze had a field day and her nose looked like the cover of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces."

#2 Finger foods and bowling do not mix. I went to a staff bowling event today, and the bowling alley provided finger foods. Yeah, um, every few minutes I have to stick my fingers in the holes of a bowling ball that have been occupied by countless strangers before me; I really don't feel like sticking my piggies in my mouth right after I gutterballed. How about we invite some utensils to the festivities? I came to bowl, not to find a reason for a Hepatitis shot. Thanks.

"What the Hell" of the Moment

2006-09-20T10:56:00.000-04:00

#1 What the hell is up with NASA saying that three objects from the shuttle came off and are now floating in space, but everything is okay for a landing?

Um, no. If those pieces weren't important, why the hell did they even need to be on the shuttle at all?

Bitches are crazy. Are you telling me that now we put things on the shuttle just for decoration? "No worries America, it's just the fuzzy dice that we hung from the shuttle dashboard that fell off." Fuzzy dice my ass.

#2 What the hell is up with former NJ governor Jim McGreevey. This bitch only came out of the closet two years ago and already has a life partner! Oooooh no! He didn't even have to work that hard, his man just emerged out of the mist and now they're living in a fab mansion in Jersey. Where the hell is my life partner? I've been "out" of the hetero closet for 26 years!

Sex and the City Quote of the Day

2006-09-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.

Charlotte: What happens to it?

Samantha: Nothing; I just never go back.

Carrie: Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?

Samantha: That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.

Miranda: And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

Freudian Slip?

2006-09-14T21:29:00.000-04:00

About 45 minutes ago I went to Sissy's house to drop off Brandi's Mary Kay purchase. Side Note: Girl, you are gonna love the
mini-microdermabrasion kit ... your skin is gonna feel like a baby's ass, trust me. Moving on ... Sis asked me to walk her to the store so she could pick up a bottle of her "crack," aka Diet Pepsi.

As we were leaving the store, Sis starts telling me about this handsome young attorney at her law firm. Well, you know me, I start asking my usual question: Is he single? I added how I love legal terms, and shared some with Sis. Such as Habeas Corpus and E Pluribus Unum. In any case, Sis chimed in and said, "Yeah, what's that other one? Cum loud?"

Um, no Sis. That would be Cum Laude and it's pronounced "Koom Loudah." But, now that I know what's on your mind, I'll bid you good night.

Off Sissy went into the night, to that charmer of a husband, who told me when I was up in her apartment that he couldn't get up to kiss me hello because he had diarrhea.

Virtual Happy Hour

2006-09-14T08:40:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that we are on different coasts, and different time zones, JohnPaul and I have decided to do something special in order to remain connected by the hip ... we've implemented Virtual Happy Hour.

Although we talk pretty much 5 times a day, and IM/text each other at every possible hour (JP, sorry about that 8am Eastern/5am Pacific reminder that Orlando Bloom was going to be on the Ellen Show, but I just knew you HAD to be informed), yesterday afternoon we decided that at 9:30pm Eastern/6:30pm Pacific (yes, you're going to see this time difference thingee a lot) we were both going to make a cocktail, get on the phone, and drink it together over fascinating conversation ... such as Britney & KFed naming their new kid Sutton Pierce (yeah, I know), and Whitney's (13 years late) file for divorce from the ever so classy Bobby Brown ... he's single ladies, go grab him before he's arrested again!

Side Note: I love the fact that before our "date" JP left me a message telling me what he planned to drink later that evening.

Our Virtual Happy Hour included a toast to a thriving friendship despite distance, and a simultaneous "clink" of our glasses on our cells' mouthpiece on the count of 3.

Fifteen minutes into it, I was tipsy. I didn't think so, but JP said he could here it in my voice ... whatever. JohnPaul and his incredible tolerance were going strong. And, as my night was coming to a close, his evening was just beginning.

Bottom line, if you have a friend that you can't be with, give them a call and set up a virtual date. And, if you want to include alcohol it's even more fun ... YAY!

Bottoms up!

... Another Door Opens

2006-09-03T22:35:00.000-04:00

"A memory lasts forever.

Never does it die.

True friends stay together.

And never say goodbye."

- Anonymous

As many of you know, a part of my soul is moving to Los Angeles to follow his dream. JohnPaul has been working on moving to LA for some time, and to see his dream come to fruition fills me with such happiness, as well as a stronger belief in the power of prayer. This blog entry is dedicated to one of the loves of my life: JohnPaul Rivera.

JohnPaul, I remember the first time we met in 1996; when you snuck up on me in the laundry room. According to your version of the tale, I was bitchy. Me? NEVER! In any case, something was there, and a friendship began. We couldn't be more different, yet we are incredibly alike. We've been through ups and downs, in our own lives and with one another, and because of my friendship with you I've known unconditional love and respect.

No matter what the issue was, good or bad, I would always say (and you can ask Dineen & Sissy), "I love that man." Ten years later, I still love you.

Not only are you talented, but you're funny as hell, a great shoulder to cry on, an incredible listening ear, and a fantastic critic. Together we make critiquing/analyzing others a fine art! And, you share ... through you I have met other great friends, and I thank you for that.

Although I'm sad to see you go, I'm so proud of you and wish you only success. I will visit you even if it takes a week on Amtrak! However, if anyone can get me on a plane, it's you (and a few Xanax).

No matter where you are on this big planet, you will always be the boy next door in the "G" building that I fell in love with.

I love you JohnPaul. Have a safe trip, and call me when you get there!

Jesus, is that you?

2006-08-25T08:56:00.000-04:00

The other day on the "Today Show," they discussed a man who says that he is Jesus. His name is Dr. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Leave it to a hispanic to say that he is the Son of God ... geez, machismo has gone way too far. Moms and Dads, take heed: this is the shit that happens when you don't hug your kids enough. Or you hug them WAY too much. It's all about moderation.

During the "Today Show," they had clips of Dr. Miranda surrounded by security guards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're Jesus, I'm pretty sure you can dodge a bullet. So, what's up with the security?

Now, I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't shout himself out as the Son of God. Yes, he had an entourage, a posse if you will, but a microphone to call attention to himself and a security detail, He did not.

Any who, on the show this guy says that there is no such thing as sin (how convenient), and that the devil is not real; he's something made up by Hollywood. Has he even read the Bible, you might ask. But of course he has! Although he doesn't believe in sin or Satan, he sure as hell (no pun intended) believes in his followers paying tithes. His followers give him shares to their companies, and much more than the 10% discussed in the Good Book!

K, the Jesus I know and love doesn't seem like the type that comes back to Earth and says, "Hey! Yeah, you know that book you've been reading since, well, since forever? Yeah, um, chuck it, because, um, My Father and I decided to change a few things, and well, it's been decided that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Oh, and Satan's not real, we were just messing with your heads, funny huh? Don't get too excited, because we added some fine print, and you're gonna have to pay us double. Thanks, you're a peach!"

Oh, and as for this guy's followers ... don't get me started ... don't even get me started.

KFed-iquette

2006-08-24T12:53:00.000-04:00

Kevin, honey, you must have missed a fews days in "Hardcore Rap 101," because rappers do not stick their pinkies out. That's only during tea-time in England, and since we both know you're not going to hang out with Queen Elizabeth any time soon, please put the piggy down.

Thanks, you're a peach.

Breaking News

2006-08-24T11:14:00.000-04:00

Scientists are now saying that Pluto is not a planet, according to the new criteria of what makes something a planet.

Hey, here's my question: Who gives a shit?

After this news, Pluto is gonna mean the same to me now as it did in elementary school ... nothing. It was just the 9th ball we glued to our sad solar system projects.

I don't care about other planets, unless you need to let me know that one is coming toward Earth.

But, thank you scientists for this interesting nugget of information.